leaving home 2.11.18

I DON’T. I CAN’T. I am not sure what is wrong. but there is a force in my gut that doesn’t want to move on. and all that I hear in my brain is that I CAN’T.

i don’t want to leave my house. i don’t want to leave my mom. i want to rest here forever. i want to see him more. even though he hurt me this time. even though it was clear this time. that i need to move on.

i can’t go back to school. i can’t go back to routine. i can’t take this exam. i am not ready. i will never be clean. i won’t lose any weight. my goals should just die. because i can’t do this. i can’t do this. why do i attempt why do i try. im afraid to see you. im afraid to enter that prison. i can’t go back. don’t make me please.

please hear this cry. of a soul that is afraid of change. the colors before me seek to hurt me. pain and suffering all pursue me. my brain is clouded with this weight of incapability. i won’t make it. that’s all i hear. from myself. alive is every fear. feasting on my flesh. eating away at my dreams. blank stare i bleed heartless.

the smallest person within me. all curled up inside. holds a toothpick sized sword. takes a stand. wants life. and everything i just wrote kinda laughs in his face. cause he’s so tiny and my anxiety is so great.

i believe.

i don’t fight this battle alone. i believe. i believe. i will come out of this. im not sure what im shouting. im not sure if this is real. but i believe. i believe. that i can. that i will. that somehow i’ll make it through.

 

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