these last 2 weeks have been a lot. im not even sure what to write here. i want to write everything on my mind. the way that i promised i would here. but each time i sat down to write, the problem wasn’t that there wasn’t anything to say, but that i had absolutely no idea how to say it.
no idea how to process the sadness and anger and hurt and pain in my body. the genuine desire to love those who wanted to pin me down and feed me their rhetoric. to convince me that the fibers of my being are hateful and the basis of my faith is discriminatory. which i’ve been finally processing. and maybe, honestly, maybe it is.
even though they only see inevitable conflict, stark incompatibility between my desire to care and what i believe. if i believe this, then i am incapable of truly loving. and i am not sure i agree with them on that.
but i realized. that this platform is not meant for me to be ashamed. this platform is for me to express my inner most. though it may be raw and ugly. though the world may hate me for it. i am writing here for me. and for God. He is my audience of one.
the next few days I will be releasing some writings that have come out of this time. im tempted to copy and paste some of the articles that have been written to provide you all with some context. but i am afraid. im afraid that will immediately launch this into a debate again. with sides and with hurts and with a war and with absolutes. where i must absolutely agree that this was wrong, otherwise i am a stupid fool on the wrong side of history who oppresses the marginalized.
i guess i’ll just say. that a group on my campus invited a controversial speaker. leading to a petition and a protest. afterwards more news emerged about a controversial decision. and though it’s unclear what has led to what, this group is now under probation. which has yet to be defined. see i think that’s enough for now. do your research if you’re curious. it’s all out there for you to find.
but please i ask for your respect. i ask for your open mind. i ask that you not immediately pick a side. i ask that you see me as a human. and you see everyone involved as human too. even the institutions we want to tear down are full of humans, some who really don’t have a clue. and i pray for this tension in my heart to stop. my arms can only stretch so far. before they completely detach from my body, like my mind has begun to from my heart. i can’t remain silent. because silence talks. it’s read as indifference while I scream defenseless. hands covering my mouth, my eyes, i must protect myself. a hardness develops. and a cloudy mist surrounds. death to logic. death to individual thought. do i not deserve these shouts for help. do i deserve to rot. stop telling me im exaggerating. i already know i am. but that’s what emerges when im responding to these festering hurts. burnt bridges. and constant messages. God, where are you. in all the times i’ve said i need you. i have never meant it so deeply nor been so sure. that i need you now. i can’t on my own endure.
~~ posted on 2.28.18