these controversial days

these last 2 weeks have been a lot. im not even sure what to write here. i want to write everything on my mind. the way that i promised i would here. but each time i sat down to write, the problem wasn’t that there wasn’t anything to say, but that i had absolutely no idea how to say it.
no idea how to process the sadness and anger and hurt and pain in my body. the genuine desire to love those who wanted to pin me down and feed me their rhetoric. to convince me that the fibers of my being are hateful and the basis of my faith is discriminatory. which i’ve been finally processing. and maybe, honestly, maybe it is.
even though they only see inevitable conflict, stark incompatibility between my desire to care and what i believe. if i believe this, then i am incapable of truly loving. and i am not sure i agree with them on that.

but i realized. that this platform is not meant for me to be ashamed. this platform is for me to express my inner most. though it may be raw and ugly. though the world may hate me for it. i am writing here for me. and for God. He is my audience of one.

the next few days I will be releasing some writings that have come out of this time. im tempted to copy and paste some of the articles that have been written to provide you all with some context. but i am afraid. im afraid that will immediately launch this into a debate again. with sides and with hurts and with a war and with absolutes. where i must absolutely agree that this was wrong, otherwise i am a stupid fool on the wrong side of history who oppresses the marginalized.

i guess i’ll just say. that a group on my campus invited a controversial speaker. leading to a petition and a protest. afterwards more news emerged about a controversial decision. and though it’s unclear what has led to what, this group is now under probation. which has yet to be defined. see i think that’s enough for now. do your research if you’re curious. it’s all out there for you to find.

but please i ask for your respect. i ask for your open mind. i ask that you not immediately pick a side. i ask that you see me as a human. and you see everyone involved as human too. even the institutions we want to tear down are full of humans, some who really don’t have a clue. and i pray for this tension in my heart to stop. my arms can only stretch so far. before they completely detach from my body, like my mind has begun to from my heart. i can’t remain silent. because silence talks. it’s read as indifference while I scream defenseless. hands covering my mouth, my eyes, i must protect myself. a hardness develops. and a cloudy mist surrounds. death to logic. death to individual thought. do i not deserve these shouts for help. do i deserve to rot. stop telling me im exaggerating. i already know i am. but that’s what emerges when im responding to these festering hurts. burnt bridges. and constant messages. God, where are you. in all the times i’ve said i need you. i have never meant it so deeply nor been so sure. that i need you now. i can’t on my own endure.

~~ posted on 2.28.18

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12 comments
  1. Keep praying and keep trying. God just doesn’t make things happen for no reason. Sometimes it’s a learning lesson, and other times he is trying to use us for HIS glory! Don’t ever give up on your faith. Lay your burdens down at the cross because that is one of the reasons why Jesus laid down his life for us. God is always there for us, we just don’t always feel like He is. But I promise you, He is there. He is in the waiting. And He will use you for something incredible. When I started my journey, I never even thought to share it on a blog! I was petrified because I had friends who had different beliefs than I did. A voice popped into my head and said that You aren’t doing this for you. You are doing this for Me. I knew that it was God talking. My fear went away instantly. Maybe about 4 nights after that, I had a break down in my friends car because like you, I felt like He wasn’t there, that He wasn’t listening. But He was. I kept telling myself He was. I know we’ve never met, but if you ever need to talk, my email is on my blog. Shoot me an email and I will try to help guide you in the best way that I can. From one fellow Christian to Another. God Bless.

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  2. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and those crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Psalms 34v18-20 be blessed !

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  3. Prayers to you dear. I know this feeling all to well but you will get through this without a doubt

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  4. Shelby Erin said:

    Also, I think I felt the Lord ask me to share this with you:
    “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.”
    ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:3-7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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  5. Shelby Erin said:

    I am a silent reader of yours most of the time, and I just want to say, you will be persecuted for speaking out your faith. It’s a given. Jesus said we will be hated as He was hated. They don’t understand who God is; they think the Bible is hateful because they have a twisted mindset on what love is. The only kind of love they know is self-love; love that pleases the flesh and their own desires. They don’t know God’s love, which is pure and holy. They don’t understand that in order to find God, you must give up everything that makes you “you” and allow the Spirit of God to conform you the image of Christ, who died for us so that we might live for Him. They find their identity in worldly things and ideas, but a Christian’s identity is in Jesus. Hold fast to your faith, and accept that not everyone will like you for what you believe. Like you said, we live for an audience of One. We seek His approval and love, not the approval of the world. And remember, when you suffer for the name of Christ, rejoice! The Spirit of God rests upon you and will help you. Learn His voice, that you may be able to reject and rebuke the voices of demons that try and destroy your faith by speaking lies and doubts and fear and discouragement. Arm yourself with the Word of God. This is a spiritual war, and we can’t fight if we don’t have a sword; the Word of God is our greatest weapon against the enemy. You can do this. Be strong! I will be praying hard for you Kira. Find others who share your love for God; and if you don’t have anyone around you that is on fire for God, pray that the Lord will lead you to others who are strong in faith. Fellowship is very important. We weren’t meant to do it all alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I know me saying dont worry would not stop your worry but atleast it will make your heart calm your not alone

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    • Kira said:

      yes, yes. thank you for that reminder. and thank you for taking the time to read ❤

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