just a lot of thoughts.

there’s a lot to say. there’s a lot to share. i don’t know where to start.

my emotion right now.
is blocked somehow
it’s a murky stew of many desires
spewing unknown attempts of expression
with a layer of rest and joy on top
like the way fat cakes into white lard chunks
when hotness cools
but the bubbling of flavor is more
restless than restful
like how this morning when i was sleeping past 11 am
it started to hurt to keep on forcing my eyes to close
and keep on sleeping, with spurts of five minute dreaming
so intense i was afraid to wake and face reality

i want to contact you
i want to see you
i want you to hug me
and remind me
why we called each other
even more than friend
but i’m sitting here
now i’m waiting here
my heart spilling here
the cuts and bruises refuses
to accept that i need you here
or that i want you now

it’s scary how fast the days pass.
i’m not sure what i’m supposed to keep track of
but without measuring something
hours are leaking
and they feel so silky smoothly slipping through
without knowing i’m moving
on into a place i didn’t ask to be

i’m writing here right now because i feel something i can’t put words to
maybe it’s that i’m afraid to be tied down
i’m afraid of looking at all these apartments because i don’t want to move into a place i’m going to hate being for the foreseeable future
there’s a brewing anxiety of not liking what i’m heading towards
maybe it’s that i want to be left alone
i don’t want to deal with people and drama
i want everything to start new again
when i walk through this door i don’t want any of the old stuff to be attached to me
i don’t want to find old baggage wandered in
i want to incinerate it all and pretend i can live
maybe it’s that i just see so much that was about to tip over
and now i’m stuck in between


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