9.8.18

im freaking out. my spirit is dying. i hate looking around my room and seeing all the things i have. all the things im not using to their fullest potential. it all reminds me of the meaninglessness in front of me. in my life.

i have no idea what im here for. i have no idea what he wants from me. and i am so alone.

im shutting out all the things that are trying to tell me positive things. because none of them make any sense. it’s all a distraction from the truth. or maybe this is the lie. see i’m all fucked up.

all i know is. right now. i don’t see why. i don’t see how. i don’t care. except i do. because if i didn’t care i wouldn’t be weeping my eyes out. i wouldn’t be screaming my head off. i wouldn’t be sobbing for meaning.

what am i doing here. can someone please tell me.

the little things used to satisfy. “oh im just being faithful. one step at a time. all the little interactions with people matter. that’s how i am making my impact” but maybe they don’t. maybe everyone’s too busy with everyone’s own selfish face taking up all the view. so that you can’t see anything but yourself. myself included.

im having a hard time transitioning. and i know it. i was terrified of this moment. these moments. because at the end of the day. it’s me here. by myself. it’s me here. unable to see past the end of my day. it starts becoming harder and harder to see the answer to why. so then the reason to move stops becoming clear too.

all of this
is a storm passing by
the kind you wait out until
only the drizzling rain dribbles on your shirt
as you scamper to your car
the only problem is
this storm comes every night
after a whole day of work
sitting in a cubicle
powering through assignments
powered solely by approval of the man
that 6:25 pm headache hits
and that mindless roommate chatter
the weekends with coworkers getting drunk and high
it’s the worst being in a room full of people and not wanting to be there
after all that
in my room alone
my demons come to taunt me
my bad habits rise to play
everything within me is fading
im losing any reason to stay
im grasping for that glowing memory
of what i thought was truth
but im being tortured here
and in this delirious state i can’t remember which way i came in
so i have no idea which way is home
and i feel pitiful
because i feel like if i were stronger
i would have a gut feeling
i would know how to get back home
but maybe it’s not even worth it at this point
because home would just be disappointed
fuck, im disappointed in myself.
who am i anymore
im losing that too
is this as serious as it feels
all my measurements are off
someone come help me
find me
and save me.
this isn’t like before
i don’t know what to say
maybe this storm isn’t passing
maybe all that’s left is for me to pass and decay

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3 comments
  1. Hi Kira, I love your honesty in this piece. Thank you for sharing your heart. I know things look dark now, but there is a light at the end. You will find it. Please don’t give up. I’m here if you need to talk. And God’s got you. Don’t be afraid to let go and fall into His arms. If you want, you can send me an email at crystal.knauss@gmail.com. Take care. 💜

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  2. I’m sorry you are struggling. Don’t really know why, but I hope you can find the strength inside yourself to navigate further forward into a bright future. ❤

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  3. Purpose: to have a relationship with God and saved by God who made and loves you and use your talents for Him and other people to love them. That is it. Truth. The rest is distraction. We change in life, transition, screw up. No worries, your purpose is still there. God still adores you and is open to talk 24/7. I have been where you are and know it, lived it. You were made for more. Start with prayer and Bible and go from there. Love❤

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