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fuck this shit
fuck it all
my insides are screaming and searching
i want to be crying
i want to be exclaiming
but my face is frozen
my eyes are dead
i can’t explain to you how everything is trapped in me
i will be extreme

my grandma is dying. my dad is suffering. he is fine but he’s also not fine. my mom is hurting. she’s working. she’s doing it all. she’s unheard. my brother is silent. my brother is carrying annoyance and unknown. my other brother is trying to figure out how to be who he wishes to be.

and me. i am stuck in this state. in this job. with no prospects.

i am amazed at my ability to say that i’m fine. because i am fine. because i can laugh and i can care for other people. but i spend so much of my time so fucking alone. i was walking down the grocery store aisle late at night today. and i was trying to decide which healthy microwavable bowl i should purchase for a whopping $5. and i realized that only really sad people buy these. only people who live by themselves and don’t cook and still want to be “healthy” and i really almost started crying in that aisle with no one else in the whole freaking store. because i in this gut wrenching instance never realized so intensely how alone i was. how i spend so much of my time. of these last six months alone. and how these thoughts are just echoing inside of my soul.

and yet. i meant it when i said that jesus is satisfying me. maybe you don’t believe me. maybe you think i can’t mean it when i curse and when i say i’m lonely. because if jesus was satisfying me then i wouldn’t say such things.

but i mean it when i say that jesus is satisfying me. that i am growing in my relationship with jesus. and it hurts. it hurts to be so alone. it’s incredible to discover that loneliness can exist while still loving jesus so much. while still understanding with my whole body and mind and soul that he loves me and that he saved me and that i have victory in him.

and still i am lonely. still i wish for more. still i feel. i see all the brokenness. i am not afraid to admit it. i boldly proclaim that there is so much wrong here.

there are huge things going on in my life. and yet those don’t seem to bother me. it’s the petty stuff. it’s the not being invited to her wedding stuff. it’s the does he like me or does he not stuff. it’s the stuff that’s laughable when juxtaposed against the fact that this might be the last 30 days that i have with my grandma on this earth. that her presence. her breath will soon be gone. that i won’t be able to ask her anything anymore. and that instantly triggers guilt for not asking her everything i could have asked her before.

and yet. i’m tormented daily in this sunless cubicle. i deal with jewelry and selling more and making more money for someone else. i deal with problems that mean nothing to me. i deal with listening to my housemate talk about things that don’t sink in. i deal with texting these boys that i have never met that i swiped yes on an app and that i wish i could drop without ghosting.

i deal with trying to keep up with my real friends. and not finding the desire to have to. because it’s always me. listening. always me. making them laugh. i get so much out of helping them. and yet i can simultaneously be selfishly upset that they don’t help me. that they can’t and will never be able to understand me the way that i can understand them. and those few few people who can. i feel bad for taking up their time and i wish that i could give to them the way they give to me.

Jesus, jesus. you know me. you know how much i love you. i trust you. and i want to trust you more. i have never been less suicidal since i started this journey. something about all of this is steering me away from thinking about death. or at least my own death. but at the same time. i don’t have the capacity to hold everyone. you do. you do. take this from me. i wish you would take away all the pain. but i know you are king. you are making this beautiful even as it is broken. i ask for my daily bread. i ask for strength to do one more day. you are answering all my prayers even in the midst of this. i know a boy won’t satisfy me. i know there is a depth of loneliness that only you can fulfill. and possibly an even deeper aspect of loneliness that will only be filled in heaven. i await eagerly and desperately to see your face. to worship you endlessly. in home. in all that you are preparing for me.

please speak to me. i only want to hear your voice. and when i hear it help me to obey. are you pleased with me? are you pleased with me? when you see me what do you see?

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a boy likes me. time to freak out. it’s for real this time. at least i’m pretty sure. but i guess you can never be sure until it falls out of his lips. does the fact that he likes me mean that i like him. are you allowed to not know. it’s funny cause i have always been the one to crush on someone else. and wait and hope that he feels the same. but now im on the receiving end. and i just don’t know!

do i enjoy hanging out with him? yes i do. but not when i’m trying to analyze if i enjoy hanging out with him!

i’m also really tired. so not going to be able to type out all the details. but for tomorrow.

you’re asking me out
but you won’t call it a date
so i won’t call it a date
at least not to your face
but believe me my circle knows
and they’re all watching you
and if im being honest
im making myself confused since
i just don’t think i’ll end up with you
but how can i be so short sighted
decided, judgemental, so rude
why do you think im letting you slide in these dms
and pretending like this is just what friends do
cause im four “dates” ahead of your sly frog-in-a-pot moves
and im already imagining you confessing your love
and im already dreading what i’ll have to say then
so im kinda of hoping you’ll help me out
change my mind
change my image of men
specifically the man i thought was meant to be
or accept that i am not who you thought i would be
not the one, not your one, no i am not she

i’m just going to start typing. start writing. without regard to this monitoring work computer that has become my life. don’t even remember how to use macs anymore. give me that pc life.

every day has been strung together so that i could be convinced ive just been experiencing one long day. today, i sit here frustrated at all the little tasks and all the little steps and all the interactions that are involved in all those parts. and for what. for something im not sure i care to fight for. something im not sure why it needs to happen in the first place. he asks for passion. i have just barely enough motivation to scrape by what you need. to give you the facade of a dream. to scribble words on these postit notes and numbers in the cell that formulate the donuts that i don’t care to eat.

it’s 6:41 and the office is empty. and im sitting here with enough work i could stay here until the fluorescent lights sleep for the night and flicker back on. it’s not that i hate it. it’s that i don’t love it. it’s that some moments are fun. care-free. like this is a team or a rag-tag family. but some days, like today, are hard to swallow. in fact it’s hard to think at all. my brain is stiff. i wouldn’t be surprised if brain lobes were squeezing out of my ears.

i wouldn’t be surprised if i stay here forever. because im being lulled into sleep. im being hardened and one could call it trained but i call it grinded into a system. but i’m pretty sure it would be the same no matter where i went.

so here i am. im not unhappy. but i guess im not content. and i guess im not alive with excitement. im just moving. taking steps. typing words. writing plans. answering emails. being called out on my mistakes. hearing people’s problems. all the while it feels like im stuck in a time where the world moves on without me.

i just want to know my purpose. i just want to find what i was made for. i want to find people who inspire me to strive for that. is it too much to ask for every day to be filled to the brim? to every day to wake up knowing you’re doing what you were always supposed to do. is it too much to ask. to feel fulfilled.

it’s interesting because i don’t feel like i’m rotting here. i feel like when i was in college i could let myself rot. but here i have to keep moving. i have to wake up i have to go i have to turn in something i have to keep the machine churning. so it’s been good. learning how to build faithfulness.

im rambling, but im trying to say something. im trying to pin point this something in me that has been calling. i havent been able to access that data. it’s like it’s under four feet of rock that has now calloused over the four months of this time. it’s a weird feeling to feel that dead inside. because sometimes when i wish to run away from life it’s an intense feeling that stops me from doing life. but here i am deadened to my own feelings and so i have been able to just keep doing life.

yeah. now i’m just not making sense. but that’s what you get. at the end of another day of the longest day of my life.

A LOT has been happening people. to start. I am terribly sick. it’s the kind of sickness where i feel functional. i feel like i can do things. i feel like i can go to work and sit at my cube. and then i get there and the sky starts falling down. my brain shuts off. headaches start piercing through my eyes and into the back of my skull. and i just can’t move. let alone think or breathe or turn in work to get approved. or take care of anything.

this being sick has made me stop and think. and realize that i’m losing it. i’m losing everything. i don’t remember who i am or what i wanted to do or who i wanted to do it with.

i started a dating app. and by “a” i mean two. and by two i mean. i’m on two dating apps but i’m contemplating downloading a third. and by on i mean i can’t stop looking at it and replying to messages. all while feeling completely in a dream. because none of those conversations feel real. and my self-esteem just wobbles in between wow i have an amazing profile why wouldn’t all these guys like me to wow the guys that like me are weird and what does that say about me to wow even if these guys love me it’s based on a shallow profile. i want to throw my phone across the room and just be a married grandma already with grand kids and crocheting to do and church functions to attend.

and that’s the other thing. i have no Christian friends. i don’t remember what it’s like to be around Christians in person anymore. and i don’t know if i would like it if i went back. and i feel like running. i want to run from everything and everyone. i want to disappear all the time. every day.

i feel so lost. and it’s so dramatic. it’s ridiculous how i’m feeling. because my feelings are telling me to freak out and to cry and to roll around on the ground and sob until i can’t my eyes get all puffy and impossible to open. my feelings are telling me that i’m never going to be good at my job and that i don’t even like the work that i’m doing at my job and that i am all alone. completely alone. and that there’s no point. in all of this.

while my brain is saying. i’m here because i’m learning how to be faithful. i’m learning how to be consistent. i’m learning that it’s difficult to wake up every day and commit to something especially when you aren’t good at it right away. but that’s what character is built from. that’s where grit is made. and i need more grit. my brain tells me that friends take time to make. and that i have so much to be thankful for. my brain tells me that this sickness is a time to rest and get better and not push my body but let it heal.

when i do pray and ask God to speak to me. he declares that he has plans for me. he declares that those plans are not meant to harm me but are filled with hope. he declares that he wants me to commit to him every day like Daniel did. even when Daniel’s company turned against him. even when Daniel was all alone, he remained faithful to God. and in return, God never broke his promises. God has been reminding me that I am being prepared for my lions den. for the place where he’s going to show me his POWER to shut the mouth of lions. his PEACE in the pit of betrayal, loneliness, and weeping and gnashing of teeth. and his PRESENCE.

SO with all of this. i am in the midst of a daily fight. one that if i don’t listen to my brain and attempt to listen to God. I get overwhelmed by my emotions. by the weight of sickness and my circumstances. it’s a poison that tastes bitter but changes my palette so that I only crave more poison. until im brainless and dying.

it’s hard to keep fighting though. it’s especially hard when i feel no community around me. i can think all the right things but nothing encourages you to do it like people standing tall next to you. i honestly feel that this is one of the hardest times in my life. this transition has been far from easy. there is so much that i need to learn. and so much that i was not prepared for.

it’s occurring to me now that i am being massively humbled. and that i need Jesus. i just need him. so desperately. and i only hope he’ll continue to take me back. and continue to be my rock.

the number one prevailing thought coursing through my brain right now
is that i should do this on my home computer, not my work computer
but every time i go home. i don’t have the energy to pull out my laptop
because i spend all day at work on the computer

THAT’S RIGHT.
your girl has become a working girl
no longer college girl
goodbye 16 years of being a student
hello forever years of working

not that i know what i’m working for or towards
but that im trying to be faithful in the little things

there’s a lot to say and update
im in a new state, a new house, new roommate
driving a car, with only me in the car … that’s 10 days new

im pretty sure my work can read all of this.
maybe somewhere they have a monitor that mirrors your screen
and someone is watching at all times

or maybe they have a system that flags whenever you go on sites that you’re not supposed to…

at some point, i feel like i won’t care.
and i will just post

but this is it for now.
my small rebellion is over.
look forward to more work posts, more updates on my life, more writings
and as always this is for me

it’s always hard to start writing. especially when you haven’t in a while.

my lack of posting from this blog has mostly been because my heart has been singing. and i’ve discovered that i’m much better at writing about pain than joy.

from my journal, 6.28.18:

“i feel happiness
i feel it permeating
i feel it solidifying
i feel it latching
it’s stemming from thankfulness
a recognition that i have so much to be thankful for
that there is so much to be thankful for
and it’s even coloring the old times a different shade
one with roots connecting to a source
lighter. brighter.
it quiets my soul
and i don’t want to move
because this is exactly where i’ve always wanted to be
and where i was last happy and free”

“here there is an openness
a willingness
to go where i am led
to detach from hopelessness
a desire to reform
in fact
transform
a desire to go deeper
because as happy as
freedom eyes feel
with them i see and
with them i realize
i can’t stay
it’s not a greed for more of the same
but an unveiling of redemptive triumph
but right now in this moment
i sit here and revel and breathe and soak
in pure joy
thankfulness
worry-less
carefree
grace”

“jesus,
i have dreams
did you know
i had dreams
a lot of them died
disappeared
melted away
or beaten down
my foggy future
sometimes feels
impossible
because i don’t have the
piercing light
of a dream
a goal
a vision
a place to be
a thing to do
accomplish
become
i say you are enough
but do you know what i mean
when i say
that i need
a dream
i just want to know
have a sense
have a feeling
of what i’m fighting towards
besides your glory
or specifically
for your glory”

from 6.30.18:

“healing, healing
i had cuts i didn’t know
bloods been leaking out
my smile never changed
but it also never grew
into a jumping joy
the kind i have now
as my feet leave the ground”

“you see the hurts i am trying to cover up
you see the joy
you see it all
God, you see right through me
you pierce through this facade i have been creating
the super suit i put on
the image i bolster
and you said
no, not that one
that’s not my daughter
that’s not the one chosen to be anointed
it’s that one
the girl who stole
the girl who bullied
and even you, writer, who holds this girl to her past pains with the words you ink
she is beyond those
but also
broken still
inside breathes a you that will be
is being
used
that’s my daughter
and with her I am well pleased
I am forming her
you, God, you’re not done with me yet
you God want more from me
because i have more to give
i have questions
i have angers
i have annoyances
i have sadness
i have mistakes
do none of those matter
do those really go away”

Here is what I wrote down when i felt like God was speaking to me:

“Home. you want to go home. you want to die to go home. your home is in your heart. your home is in your body. your home is in ME and I am HERE. Be where I am. I will always be with you and I AM your home.

Try your best. you feel like you have been trying your best. you feel like you failed trying your best and you are processing failure, but hey at least you tried your best. but deep down. you know you did not give your best. you did not rebuke sin to the point of shedding your blood (hebrews). you promised me your best. that’s all I ask. you know I am not asking for perfection. we rebuke perfection. but we are asking for your best. and in your best there will be forgiveness for when you don’t try. there will be grace for when even that falls short. but try AND

I will give you the strength to give your best. I will give more patience. more sincerity. but you must try.
recently you have not been trying. for a while you have been trying to get away with less to conserve energy. to be smarter.
give generously
love patiently
don’t give up
I have not given up
I AM not a judge who will reject offering
but you know when you have not given me ALL that you can give
like the monopoly money trick (as a kid i used to hide money when we played monopoly and use it in the end. people didn’t realize i had more money than i was showing)
ask me what more there is and I will tell you
– your work in the mundane assignments
– your living situation
– your friendships … esp those reaching out to you

Give ALL and I will sustain you
Do not be afraid of the world
for I have overcome the world

my perfect love is casting out your fear

not just a mushy love, a challenging love
that pushes for your potential

not a performance
not an evaluation
but a relationship
has give
has sacrifices
I AM God
I commanded for fruit

Great is not mustered by effort alone
but by growth
because growth points to and reflects on the status of the stalk”

what do you guys think? i have a lot of thoughts that i will probably share in future posts. but i’m curious to hear what you guys think.

2 years ago i started this blog. 2 years ago i was in Singapore sitting at a 13 year old girl’s white wooden desk with cold tile cooling my feet and hot air frizzing my hair. 2 years ago i was an emotional zombie. i was carrying around a hurt that dragged on the ground when i walked around. a hurt that collected all the muck from my past. a weight that i couldn’t shake, i just walked slower, forgetting that i used to run, convincing myself that i hate to run, convinced that walking forward one inch was impossible.

it’s weird how i can remember that pain. that state of being. of numbness. i remember how i couldn’t even smile or lift my head. i was determined to not be happy because happiness hurts. people take away happiness. they beat that shit out of you. they give you opportunities and right when you start to believe you can, they take it back. spit in your face. cut into your gut and rub their superiority in your throbbing wounds. they don’t see that their selfishness is the knife in your back and that their forgetfulness is the final twist that seals it there.

it’s not that my life is a 180 better now. if anything, i struggle with the same exact things that i did back then. so what’s different? besides the 2 years of breath that has left and entered my body.

im graduating college in 30 days. that’s different. i feel like the time i spent, the hurts i collected are worth something. and that’s different. not worth something like if i took them to a pawn shop, i’d find out i was actually a millionaire. but worth connecting. my life experiences have been the most powerful connecting tool i’ve ever had. my deep hurts are what drives my compassion for the hurting people around me. it’s just that. when i’m hurting, when my wounds open up again, when i’m being petty and passive aggressive or just plain aggressive, when i’m giving up and regressing. i’m back in Singapore. trapped inside that prison in my mind.

so i guess the biggest difference has been that i’ve escaped that prison. that i believe. whether that belief fills my entire body or just barely fits into a mustard seed. i believe that prison is not my home. i believe i can be free.

the first time i was somewhat suicidal (in my runaway sense) was in the spring of 2015. and even after that time, i couldn’t shake my desire to die inwardly. do you know what i mean? not that inside of me i felt like dying. i mean, i wanted to disappear from the inside. like how a cool swishy jacket can be pushed into one of its own pockets and become really tiny. like how a black hole eats itself. i wanted to disapparate from the world so that there wasn’t a trace of me at all. not a stain of my existence. this was the prison i found myself in. and even when i had good days and was functional and everything else. it was like i was on parole. i just wasn’t convinced that i had a reason to be in the real world.

and i guess that’s the difference. no, i haven’t found my reason to be in the world exactly. besides knowing that i am living for God’s glory. and i’ve found that just living to not let things get as bad as they’ve been before burns out pretty quickly too. the difference is that i believe. this blog helps me to believe. your comments, your support helps me to believe. the Bible and the time i spend with him grounds me in my belief. because at the end of the day i have nothing. i am nothing. if not for what i believe.

happy 2 years. here’s to many more.