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Most times I don’t understand
Most times I echo lies
Most times I’m crippled, stuck in my head, completely paralyzed
But then you paint these sights around me
And I am in awe of your light
As something stirs, whispers that I just might be worth it because you graced me with your life
Pierce my heart deeper still
Piece me back together
Wash me in this river, fill me without measure
Daily I choose to leave the past behind
Daily I fight against this pain that numbs and chains me stupefied
Day to day leads to today
But here hopelessness will end
Because today I will fight to feel your love
Not because it doesn’t exist but because without it I won’t know how to live.

river

©Kira Shymn

~~ picture also taken and edited by me (for the first time)

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i love you
but i can wait
just another day
maybe in another time
when you and i
are more than fantastical
fanciful flight
a dream
i’ve finally let go
because i’m becoming alive
on my own
i’ll see you again
when our paths align
just another day
maybe in another time

©Kira Shymn

~posted on 1.13.2018

speaking to me
you are and
loving on me
you are and it’s
occurring to me
that these past sufferings
are helping me connect unlike before
you are overwhelming me
and it’s a bizarrely wondrous feeling
you are building back in me
a fighting fire, pursuing purpose
you are hearing me
not for the first time
here this whole time
and it’s me
you set free
again and again
I’ll fall, I’m blind, I constantly
come back to hopelessness
meaningless seasons of empty distress, but
you are
waking me alive
unbeknownst to me, you are not surprised
by my hostility or repeated doubts
life breathed in, hope pours out
release of judgement on myself
you are the I AM and
I am not all I thought I was but
depending on you
I am
yearning for you
I am
in desperate need of you and all
you are
immeasurably more
always

Done
I’m done
I’m really done this time
I’m not coming back
no re-run and no re-try
your number’s been blocked, my eyes are dry
my heart’s been cleansed, not a guilt in mind
and the best part is that I’m feelin’ supa fine
because you were the rain and now I’m sunshine
because the tumor’s been removed and I’m still alive
tangled in your limbs I thought I needed you to survive
so I tried to keep you around, I tried to compromise
but my red flags kept raising, I actually ran out of red dye
and I just kept coming back to that question of why
did it have to be this hard to get you to admit
that I wasn’t any body, not even close to some body
I was just a body that you threw out when you were done using it, so why
do I feel bad for my honesty, for my sincere mistrust and uncertainty, why
do you ignore me when I’m right in front of you, as if I’m not worth your day time
only worth a text past 1 am last night time, just in case I might be down time, and why
when I ask to talk you don’t have a clue, like you’re so above my dilemma and struggle and you
obviously can’t afford to lose power by speaking the truth
so I’m not listening anymore, not playing fair or nice
do you hear the sound of redemption exiting your life
because I need to escape this amnesia that clouds my mind
that appears when I forget how done I am and how desperately I need
the best for you and for me which is to truly, truly be
done
I’m done
really done this time
no re-run and no re-try
no second chance, no quick flyby
done
I’m done
really done next this time

identifying the snake in the grass
the cancer before it spreads
have the courage to cut it out
before it lies with you in bed
my body is sacred, a spirit lives inside
I am more than a text message
more than this one night
don’t trick me into feeling that I owe something to you
yes we’re both at fault, but why am I the only one left duped
I think before I regretted not exploring more
not experiencing that side of life “popular” people adore
but I’ve come to realize very clear and simply
a person who doesn’t share my values
can’t be the one for me
someone warned me to guard my heart
to flee from this kind of thing
so why am I so drawn to fall
as if a force pulls me backwards by a string
every time we meet like this, I start burning in my mind
in that moment there is a ferocious battle that I am unable to verbalize
and in that moment, in every action, it feels like morality is on the line
but the thing that gets me most is how I’m affecting you as well
because I know I look indecisive and I know that you can tell
and I know you know the beliefs I’m breaking, so you must think I’m a fraud
because how could someone who falls so often also believe in a God
naiveté ran away the second I said we could meet
I knew what I was doing and I guess today I chose defeat
but I didn’t travel around the world to land in the exact same place
I didn’t cleanse myself of wounds and hurts to re-enter this rat race
I’m sorry to all of you (who care) for making this dumb choice
but it’s time to stand back up, forgive again, and rise above the noise
consequence will come I’m sure, temptation will return
but I’m thankful to be alive in grace and for new mercies that cover every burn
so yes I believe that friends should be beneficial, that’s true
but let’s be real, this friendship is really only benefiting you

~goodbye

leaving soon
I have to remind myself that I’m leaving
soon I’ll be back home in my old room
back with the family I miss so much
even though after a week back I’ll want to leave
soon, I’m leaving
soon I won’t really remember this place
where I was challenged to grow
where I fell in love with His grace
this city, can’t you leave with me
let’s leave
soon because I’m leaving
soon I’ll be looking at you
maybe for the last time
and I’ll want to say how much
how amazing
how I can’t seem to say enough
so nothing at all but that look I’m giving you
will do
I keep forgetting that I’m leaving
soon, yes I’m leaving
soon after a year away
lived in 6 countries through 268 days
who knows what really happened
or how time ran by
all I know is that I’m leaving
soon we should say goodbye
soon I might cry
once I remember that I’m leaving
soon

secretly I’m in love with you
not even trying not to
thinking of you makes my insides queasy
and I get all fidgety and say stupid, cheesy
things to myself about
the possibility, the doubt
that maybe one day
you would look at me and say
secretly I’m in love with you too

 

~a silly poem to no one