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On the fly

i do love you
i know i do
i know because it doesn’t make sense
but my lips never stop uttering your name
my heart lusts after things it can’t have
my mind sets up mental dominos like walls to keep you away from me
but my being, my spirit, my soul
long for you
i love you
i am who i am because of you
im sitting here disgusted with what i’ve done
maybe i push you away because i don’t believe i deserve your love
and even if i can’t deny how i love you
i can at least admit that i don’t deserve you
why are you still running after me
why are you still dying for me
why are you still calling me
to fully grasp unconditionality is to let go of perfecting worth
to surrender ego and be valued simply because you love me
simply because you made me in your image
i cannot ever understand how much you love me
in the same way i will always love you
beyond any feeling and the words that carelessly stumble out of my mouth
beyond physical sight and intimacy
take my small grain of sincerity
in this moment that may be all i have to give
but only you can make it multiply fruitfully

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pink bleak aura
daily she sings
remind me blessing
of paradoxical things
roaming find lonely
ignore console friend
destitute room mating
(with the)
ever dreaded end
stuffed objective treasures
provoking loved endeavors
such useless objects
such meaningless dreams
throat scratched chokes
over thrown truth
tonight she dies
tomorrow she cries
yesterday she emerged
brand spanking new

cause today today
it’s all about today
it’s all about right now
not those stale promises
from a time of equal sincerity
without executed obedience
i’m thankful today
for how far you’ve brought me
and the people around me
and the gifts i’ve received
even those unboxed and thrown away
i’ve erased the line graph predicting my trajectory
i’m done looking for progress in process of perfecting me
i’m excited to take one step by step
in forward truth stretching patience beyond virtue
filled with strength beyond youth
my lungs expanding as poured drink offerings run through
this vessel so empty
alive, a live, a living sacrifice
i shall transform into
and in so doing regain my love
my precious child like wonder and everlasting fruit

©Kira Shymn

it’s not about the views
it’s not about who likes this
i need an awakening again
i need a weight loss program again
i have so much that needs to melt off my bones
i need a taste of that quenched thirst
because right now i’m a bottomless pit
something’s not right
because i’m not declaring anything wrong
everything’s permissible
yet nothing is satisfying
nor glorifying
i’m trapped in a glass that bends my vision into a round tension
dismiss my hurts
your experience is superior
i’ll just cut these ties
without any regrets
to the feelings you murdered
out back, left for the dirt
roast me up
and i promise you
i burn

©Kira Shymn

i am going to get healthy
i’ve got my eyes on that prize
it’s not about perfection, but about progress
and i am finally on the rise
my body longs to be cleansed
my heart pumps a new beat
one that accepts failure
but never accepts defeat

©Kira Shymn

hanging out with people
i come home alone
and i feel so empty
i feel so unknown
i can feel the creases in my face
when i laughed as if i were happy
because i think i was happy
in that moment
now it’s gone
and left here is a deep sadness
that erodes at my heart
it weighs me down
something feels so wrong
i want to cry
but weariness has completely dried my eyes
i want …
i want to run away from here
i want to feel free
i want someone to hold me
and tell me what i did is forgotten
who i am is beloved
but the truth is
i’ve been here before
and i’ll be back again
today is tomorrow
tomorrow will end

i love you
but i can wait
just another day
maybe in another time
when you and i
are more than fantastical
fanciful flight
a dream
i’ve finally let go
because i’m becoming alive
on my own
i’ll see you again
when our paths align
just another day
maybe in another time

©Kira Shymn

~posted on 1.13.2018