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unwritten

In moments like these
I wish for a choice
I wish I could be free
In moments like these
My head is heavy with delirium
With the struggle to end existence
Dope me up
Send me home
But I can’t because I can’t even get up now
How could I end it
When I can’t do more than write these words
And think these thoughts
Drink these lies and
Sleep away time
I need freedom
But I feel even more
That I will never receive it
That I carry this
Which will haunt me forever

Unwritten on 12/16/18 1:56 am

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My heart rockets out of my body
Back. And forth
I pant without anyone else around
I’ve been alone
For all this time
The glare over taking my eyes
You don’t understand
You couldn’t know
This lack of intimacy poisons my soul
I writhe in depression
Cravings hunger for my next obsession
As I crumple completely empty endlessly
Seeking fulfillment in a world
Where it can’t be bought
Has never been sold
I’m alone alone alone again
My own breath my only companion
The grease from my hair
The growing stench in my bed
All these things
As I claim to rest
Lies fester
No one will ever find me beautiful
My life is a small hamster wheel
That turns again and again
I can’t break this cycle
I was made for this small feat
To impress people outside
But to never let anyone in
I have no more time
I have no more energy
To fight these lies
I allow them to consume me
To drown in them in vices I taunt and tease
I got nothing done that I said I would
I can now but I refuse
Will showering and jumping on this train and wearing make up with slightly seductive clothes make me happy
I think not
I think not
Will these people on my phone whom I have to set up to meet
Make me happy?
I think not
Nothing else exists in this world
I will just let this bitterness in
I will just become jade itself
Fragile and cynical
Destroyed from view
I mourn the death of my innocence
I mourn the days of youth

unwritten 6/15 6:39 pm

maybe one day. i’ll be old and happy. i’ll have lived a full life. i’ll have nothing more to achieve.
maybe one day. things won’t feel so heavy. it won’t be so hard to wake up. and pretend like im free.
maybe one day. i won’t breakdown so much. i won’t cry or yell or scream or curse.
maybe one day. i’ll be tired but fulfilled. and so then i’ll be satisfied not burdened with guilt.
or maybe one day. all this will end. i will let uglies take the best of me. and i’ll never see you again.

1.10.19
posting all my unwritten drafts #1

before me lies
two choices
each time
to live or die
to breathe some more
or find a way to stop
each time
i enter this hallway
with doors on either side
whether i pick the door on the left
or the door on the right
life passes me by
each time
until again
death’s corridor asks
to select a ride
yet with each door i choose
on the other end i always arrive
again and again
again i try
and yet
each time
here i stand
confronted by
a whispering truth
that before me are lies
i have just one choice
each and every time
to choose Him who lives
He who hung crucified
who conquered death’s aim
so that i never walk these halls alone
i simply walk through His door
life, truth, way

a new series ~ of writings i start but never finish. those that are left unwritten.

im floating away
to nowhere
unseen
im lost inside
these worldly memories
defined by previous
inconsistencies
carved immovable
my past lies
lifeless
irredeemable
half complete