“Here I stand before You now
As honestly as I know how
Broken by the days gone by
Spirit help my soul to rise
I try my best but still I fail
And even then
You’re with me there
You remind me I’m a child of God
Regardless of the things I’ve done
My hope is found in perfect love
Your mercy triumphs over judgment
Love wider than horizons
Stronger than all sin
Lord Your kindness
Leads us to repentance
To the heart of God
Your heart oh God
Is all I want
All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

 

“You pulled me from the clay
Set me on a rock
Called me by Your Name
And made my heart whole again
So here I stand
High in surrender
I need You now
Hold my heart
Now and forever
My soul cries out
Once I was broken
But You loved my whole heart through
Sin has no hold on me
‘Cause Your grace holds me now
Healed and forgiven
Look where my chains are now
Death has no hold on me
‘Cause Your grace holds that ground
And Your grace holds me now”

“How I live for the moments
Where I’m still in Your presence
All the noise dies down Lord speak to me now
You have all my attention
I will linger and listen
I can’t miss a thing
Lord I know my heart wants more of You
My heart wants something new
So I surrender all
All I want is to live within Your love
Be undone by who You are
My desire is to know You deeper
Lord I will open up again
Throw my fears into the wind
I am desperate for a touch of heaven
I open up my heart to You I
open up my heart to You now
So do what only You can
Jesus have Your way in me now”

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climbed this touristy peak today
went alone, but left with old friends
I feel like I learned the meaning of soul friends
even though we were strangers before I sat next to you on that tram
we connected, we shared, we laughed, we prayed
like we were real friends
which got me thinking
that I’m so busy trying to fit in with my group of friends
that I never check to see if they are true friends
and don’t get me wrong I have great friends
I just never realized how much I compromise to be friends
because when your friends drink and you don’t
but then you start because they do
because when your friends are totally comfortable with sex
and you’re kinda curious, lonely, and confused
but also sure you don’t want to hook up with some rando
you end up with things you’re proud to tell but ashamed to admit
and when you go to church and invite them along
it’s awkward, it seems you are pretending to belong
because your friend has seen your absolute worst
but now you’re lifting hands while singing some Christian song
why should they pretend to be a goodie like you
at least their honest and proud of what they do
there’s so much compromise there
like I’m jumping fences between who I am and what I believe
because my friends have very different values from me
but today these people I met and traveled with
God fill my life with more people like these
who remind me of your glory
of your presence
of peace

5/25/2016

maybe one day. i’ll be old and happy. i’ll have lived a full life. i’ll have nothing more to achieve.
maybe one day. things won’t feel so heavy. it won’t be so hard to wake up. and pretend like im free.
maybe one day. i won’t breakdown so much. i won’t cry or yell or scream or curse.
maybe one day. i’ll be tired but fulfilled. and so then i’ll be satisfied not burdened with guilt.
or maybe one day. all this will end. i will let uglies take the best of me. and i’ll never see you again.

1.10.19
posting all my unwritten drafts #1

hello all.
i’m coming back.
get pumped. get excited. get HYPE.
because
you . haven’t . seen . anything . yet .

it’s 12:23 am on m a y f i r s t .
month of may. is my new beginning.
because
im searching. he keeps telling me to stay here. and i keep running away
so im wrestling.

it’s going to be song sharing. poem writing. bible reading. prayers written.
it’s going to be random.
but above all
it will be raw
it will be honest
it will be true

i’m not going to be afraid to post multiple times in one day (i’ve always been afraid of that…)
im not going to be afraid of when i finally publicly associate this blog on my real life facebook / social media and people finally read through all my words. not going to be afraid of the backlash.

this is an outlet i have not used to it’s full potential.

which is why
i’m coming back
IM COMING BACK

~end trailer

fuck this shit
fuck it all
my insides are screaming and searching
i want to be crying
i want to be exclaiming
but my face is frozen
my eyes are dead
i can’t explain to you how everything is trapped in me
i will be extreme

my grandma is dying. my dad is suffering. he is fine but he’s also not fine. my mom is hurting. she’s working. she’s doing it all. she’s unheard. my brother is silent. my brother is carrying annoyance and unknown. my other brother is trying to figure out how to be who he wishes to be.

and me. i am stuck in this state. in this job. with no prospects.

i am amazed at my ability to say that i’m fine. because i am fine. because i can laugh and i can care for other people. but i spend so much of my time so fucking alone. i was walking down the grocery store aisle late at night today. and i was trying to decide which healthy microwavable bowl i should purchase for a whopping $5. and i realized that only really sad people buy these. only people who live by themselves and don’t cook and still want to be “healthy” and i really almost started crying in that aisle with no one else in the whole freaking store. because i in this gut wrenching instance never realized so intensely how alone i was. how i spend so much of my time. of these last six months alone. and how these thoughts are just echoing inside of my soul.

and yet. i meant it when i said that jesus is satisfying me. maybe you don’t believe me. maybe you think i can’t mean it when i curse and when i say i’m lonely. because if jesus was satisfying me then i wouldn’t say such things.

but i mean it when i say that jesus is satisfying me. that i am growing in my relationship with jesus. and it hurts. it hurts to be so alone. it’s incredible to discover that loneliness can exist while still loving jesus so much. while still understanding with my whole body and mind and soul that he loves me and that he saved me and that i have victory in him.

and still i am lonely. still i wish for more. still i feel. i see all the brokenness. i am not afraid to admit it. i boldly proclaim that there is so much wrong here.

there are huge things going on in my life. and yet those don’t seem to bother me. it’s the petty stuff. it’s the not being invited to her wedding stuff. it’s the does he like me or does he not stuff. it’s the stuff that’s laughable when juxtaposed against the fact that this might be the last 30 days that i have with my grandma on this earth. that her presence. her breath will soon be gone. that i won’t be able to ask her anything anymore. and that instantly triggers guilt for not asking her everything i could have asked her before.

and yet. i’m tormented daily in this sunless cubicle. i deal with jewelry and selling more and making more money for someone else. i deal with problems that mean nothing to me. i deal with listening to my housemate talk about things that don’t sink in. i deal with texting these boys that i have never met that i swiped yes on an app and that i wish i could drop without ghosting.

i deal with trying to keep up with my real friends. and not finding the desire to have to. because it’s always me. listening. always me. making them laugh. i get so much out of helping them. and yet i can simultaneously be selfishly upset that they don’t help me. that they can’t and will never be able to understand me the way that i can understand them. and those few few people who can. i feel bad for taking up their time and i wish that i could give to them the way they give to me.

Jesus, jesus. you know me. you know how much i love you. i trust you. and i want to trust you more. i have never been less suicidal since i started this journey. something about all of this is steering me away from thinking about death. or at least my own death. but at the same time. i don’t have the capacity to hold everyone. you do. you do. take this from me. i wish you would take away all the pain. but i know you are king. you are making this beautiful even as it is broken. i ask for my daily bread. i ask for strength to do one more day. you are answering all my prayers even in the midst of this. i know a boy won’t satisfy me. i know there is a depth of loneliness that only you can fulfill. and possibly an even deeper aspect of loneliness that will only be filled in heaven. i await eagerly and desperately to see your face. to worship you endlessly. in home. in all that you are preparing for me.

please speak to me. i only want to hear your voice. and when i hear it help me to obey. are you pleased with me? are you pleased with me? when you see me what do you see?

before me lies
two choices
each time
to live or die
to breathe some more
or find a way to stop
each time
i enter this hallway
with doors on either side
whether i pick the door on the left
or the door on the right
life passes me by
each time
until again
death’s corridor asks
to select a ride
yet with each door i choose
on the other end i always arrive
again and again
again i try
and yet
each time
here i stand
confronted by
a whispering truth
that before me are lies
i have just one choice
each and every time
to choose Him who lives
He who hung crucified
who conquered death’s aim
so that i never walk these halls alone
i simply walk through His door
life, truth, way

a boy likes me. time to freak out. it’s for real this time. at least i’m pretty sure. but i guess you can never be sure until it falls out of his lips. does the fact that he likes me mean that i like him. are you allowed to not know. it’s funny cause i have always been the one to crush on someone else. and wait and hope that he feels the same. but now im on the receiving end. and i just don’t know!

do i enjoy hanging out with him? yes i do. but not when i’m trying to analyze if i enjoy hanging out with him!

i’m also really tired. so not going to be able to type out all the details. but for tomorrow.

you’re asking me out
but you won’t call it a date
so i won’t call it a date
at least not to your face
but believe me my circle knows
and they’re all watching you
and if im being honest
im making myself confused since
i just don’t think i’ll end up with you
but how can i be so short sighted
decided, judgemental, so rude
why do you think im letting you slide in these dms
and pretending like this is just what friends do
cause im four “dates” ahead of your sly frog-in-a-pot moves
and im already imagining you confessing your love
and im already dreading what i’ll have to say then
so im kinda of hoping you’ll help me out
change my mind
change my image of men
specifically the man i thought was meant to be
or accept that i am not who you thought i would be
not the one, not your one, no i am not she