A LOT has been happening people. to start. I am terribly sick. it’s the kind of sickness where i feel functional. i feel like i can do things. i feel like i can go to work and sit at my cube. and then i get there and the sky starts falling down. my brain shuts off. headaches start piercing through my eyes and into the back of my skull. and i just can’t move. let alone think or breathe or turn in work to get approved. or take care of anything.

this being sick has made me stop and think. and realize that i’m losing it. i’m losing everything. i don’t remember who i am or what i wanted to do or who i wanted to do it with.

i started a dating app. and by “a” i mean two. and by two i mean. i’m on two dating apps but i’m contemplating downloading a third. and by on i mean i can’t stop looking at it and replying to messages. all while feeling completely in a dream. because none of those conversations feel real. and my self-esteem just wobbles in between wow i have an amazing profile why wouldn’t all these guys like me to wow the guys that like me are weird and what does that say about me to wow even if these guys love me it’s based on a shallow profile. i want to throw my phone across the room and just be a married grandma already with grand kids and crocheting to do and church functions to attend.

and that’s the other thing. i have no Christian friends. i don’t remember what it’s like to be around Christians in person anymore. and i don’t know if i would like it if i went back. and i feel like running. i want to run from everything and everyone. i want to disappear all the time. every day.

i feel so lost. and it’s so dramatic. it’s ridiculous how i’m feeling. because my feelings are telling me to freak out and to cry and to roll around on the ground and sob until i can’t my eyes get all puffy and impossible to open. my feelings are telling me that i’m never going to be good at my job and that i don’t even like the work that i’m doing at my job and that i am all alone. completely alone. and that there’s no point. in all of this.

while my brain is saying. i’m here because i’m learning how to be faithful. i’m learning how to be consistent. i’m learning that it’s difficult to wake up every day and commit to something especially when you aren’t good at it right away. but that’s what character is built from. that’s where grit is made. and i need more grit. my brain tells me that friends take time to make. and that i have so much to be thankful for. my brain tells me that this sickness is a time to rest and get better and not push my body but let it heal.

when i do pray and ask God to speak to me. he declares that he has plans for me. he declares that those plans are not meant to harm me but are filled with hope. he declares that he wants me to commit to him every day like Daniel did. even when Daniel’s company turned against him. even when Daniel was all alone, he remained faithful to God. and in return, God never broke his promises. God has been reminding me that I am being prepared for my lions den. for the place where he’s going to show me his POWER to shut the mouth of lions. his PEACE in the pit of betrayal, loneliness, and weeping and gnashing of teeth. and his PRESENCE.

SO with all of this. i am in the midst of a daily fight. one that if i don’t listen to my brain and attempt to listen to God. I get overwhelmed by my emotions. by the weight of sickness and my circumstances. it’s a poison that tastes bitter but changes my palette so that I only crave more poison. until im brainless and dying.

it’s hard to keep fighting though. it’s especially hard when i feel no community around me. i can think all the right things but nothing encourages you to do it like people standing tall next to you. i honestly feel that this is one of the hardest times in my life. this transition has been far from easy. there is so much that i need to learn. and so much that i was not prepared for.

it’s occurring to me now that i am being massively humbled. and that i need Jesus. i just need him. so desperately. and i only hope he’ll continue to take me back. and continue to be my rock.

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pink bleak aura
daily she sings
remind me blessing
of paradoxical things
roaming find lonely
ignore console friend
destitute room mating
(with the)
ever dreaded end
stuffed objective treasures
provoking loved endeavors
such useless objects
such meaningless dreams
throat scratched chokes
over thrown truth
tonight she dies
tomorrow she cries
yesterday she emerged
brand spanking new

im freaking out. my spirit is dying. i hate looking around my room and seeing all the things i have. all the things im not using to their fullest potential. it all reminds me of the meaninglessness in front of me. in my life.

i have no idea what im here for. i have no idea what he wants from me. and i am so alone.

im shutting out all the things that are trying to tell me positive things. because none of them make any sense. it’s all a distraction from the truth. or maybe this is the lie. see i’m all fucked up.

all i know is. right now. i don’t see why. i don’t see how. i don’t care. except i do. because if i didn’t care i wouldn’t be weeping my eyes out. i wouldn’t be screaming my head off. i wouldn’t be sobbing for meaning.

what am i doing here. can someone please tell me.

the little things used to satisfy. “oh im just being faithful. one step at a time. all the little interactions with people matter. that’s how i am making my impact” but maybe they don’t. maybe everyone’s too busy with everyone’s own selfish face taking up all the view. so that you can’t see anything but yourself. myself included.

im having a hard time transitioning. and i know it. i was terrified of this moment. these moments. because at the end of the day. it’s me here. by myself. it’s me here. unable to see past the end of my day. it starts becoming harder and harder to see the answer to why. so then the reason to move stops becoming clear too.

all of this
is a storm passing by
the kind you wait out until
only the drizzling rain dribbles on your shirt
as you scamper to your car
the only problem is
this storm comes every night
after a whole day of work
sitting in a cubicle
powering through assignments
powered solely by approval of the man
that 6:25 pm headache hits
and that mindless roommate chatter
the weekends with coworkers getting drunk and high
it’s the worst being in a room full of people and not wanting to be there
after all that
in my room alone
my demons come to taunt me
my bad habits rise to play
everything within me is fading
im losing any reason to stay
im grasping for that glowing memory
of what i thought was truth
but im being tortured here
and in this delirious state i can’t remember which way i came in
so i have no idea which way is home
and i feel pitiful
because i feel like if i were stronger
i would have a gut feeling
i would know how to get back home
but maybe it’s not even worth it at this point
because home would just be disappointed
fuck, im disappointed in myself.
who am i anymore
im losing that too
is this as serious as it feels
all my measurements are off
someone come help me
find me
and save me.
this isn’t like before
i don’t know what to say
maybe this storm isn’t passing
maybe all that’s left is for me to pass and decay

the number one prevailing thought coursing through my brain right now
is that i should do this on my home computer, not my work computer
but every time i go home. i don’t have the energy to pull out my laptop
because i spend all day at work on the computer

THAT’S RIGHT.
your girl has become a working girl
no longer college girl
goodbye 16 years of being a student
hello forever years of working

not that i know what i’m working for or towards
but that im trying to be faithful in the little things

there’s a lot to say and update
im in a new state, a new house, new roommate
driving a car, with only me in the car … that’s 10 days new

im pretty sure my work can read all of this.
maybe somewhere they have a monitor that mirrors your screen
and someone is watching at all times

or maybe they have a system that flags whenever you go on sites that you’re not supposed to…

at some point, i feel like i won’t care.
and i will just post

but this is it for now.
my small rebellion is over.
look forward to more work posts, more updates on my life, more writings
and as always this is for me

im afraid i might love you
or maybe not
maybe im afraid that you love me
or that you never did
or that you chose not to
so let me choose for both of us
let me say no first
before your rejection crushes
something i didn’t know i wanted
all i know is
when everyone’s in the room
i want to sit next to you and
feel the light touch of your warmth against my arm
all i know is
you make me laugh constantly
you say things i never thought of before
im never not smiling
when im with you
all i know is
we speak the same language
and when i talk
your eyes are listening
searching for what im really saying
responding with your heart
all i know is
right now we are apart
and besides that
im not sure what we are
so all i really know
during those pauses in our face time is
im scared to ask
can you take me there baby
when maybe our best is right where we are

©Kira Shymn

it’s always hard to start writing. especially when you haven’t in a while.

my lack of posting from this blog has mostly been because my heart has been singing. and i’ve discovered that i’m much better at writing about pain than joy.

from my journal, 6.28.18:

“i feel happiness
i feel it permeating
i feel it solidifying
i feel it latching
it’s stemming from thankfulness
a recognition that i have so much to be thankful for
that there is so much to be thankful for
and it’s even coloring the old times a different shade
one with roots connecting to a source
lighter. brighter.
it quiets my soul
and i don’t want to move
because this is exactly where i’ve always wanted to be
and where i was last happy and free”

“here there is an openness
a willingness
to go where i am led
to detach from hopelessness
a desire to reform
in fact
transform
a desire to go deeper
because as happy as
freedom eyes feel
with them i see and
with them i realize
i can’t stay
it’s not a greed for more of the same
but an unveiling of redemptive triumph
but right now in this moment
i sit here and revel and breathe and soak
in pure joy
thankfulness
worry-less
carefree
grace”

“jesus,
i have dreams
did you know
i had dreams
a lot of them died
disappeared
melted away
or beaten down
my foggy future
sometimes feels
impossible
because i don’t have the
piercing light
of a dream
a goal
a vision
a place to be
a thing to do
accomplish
become
i say you are enough
but do you know what i mean
when i say
that i need
a dream
i just want to know
have a sense
have a feeling
of what i’m fighting towards
besides your glory
or specifically
for your glory”

from 6.30.18:

“healing, healing
i had cuts i didn’t know
bloods been leaking out
my smile never changed
but it also never grew
into a jumping joy
the kind i have now
as my feet leave the ground”

“you see the hurts i am trying to cover up
you see the joy
you see it all
God, you see right through me
you pierce through this facade i have been creating
the super suit i put on
the image i bolster
and you said
no, not that one
that’s not my daughter
that’s not the one chosen to be anointed
it’s that one
the girl who stole
the girl who bullied
and even you, writer, who holds this girl to her past pains with the words you ink
she is beyond those
but also
broken still
inside breathes a you that will be
is being
used
that’s my daughter
and with her I am well pleased
I am forming her
you, God, you’re not done with me yet
you God want more from me
because i have more to give
i have questions
i have angers
i have annoyances
i have sadness
i have mistakes
do none of those matter
do those really go away”

Here is what I wrote down when i felt like God was speaking to me:

“Home. you want to go home. you want to die to go home. your home is in your heart. your home is in your body. your home is in ME and I am HERE. Be where I am. I will always be with you and I AM your home.

Try your best. you feel like you have been trying your best. you feel like you failed trying your best and you are processing failure, but hey at least you tried your best. but deep down. you know you did not give your best. you did not rebuke sin to the point of shedding your blood (hebrews). you promised me your best. that’s all I ask. you know I am not asking for perfection. we rebuke perfection. but we are asking for your best. and in your best there will be forgiveness for when you don’t try. there will be grace for when even that falls short. but try AND

I will give you the strength to give your best. I will give more patience. more sincerity. but you must try.
recently you have not been trying. for a while you have been trying to get away with less to conserve energy. to be smarter.
give generously
love patiently
don’t give up
I have not given up
I AM not a judge who will reject offering
but you know when you have not given me ALL that you can give
like the monopoly money trick (as a kid i used to hide money when we played monopoly and use it in the end. people didn’t realize i had more money than i was showing)
ask me what more there is and I will tell you
– your work in the mundane assignments
– your living situation
– your friendships … esp those reaching out to you

Give ALL and I will sustain you
Do not be afraid of the world
for I have overcome the world

my perfect love is casting out your fear

not just a mushy love, a challenging love
that pushes for your potential

not a performance
not an evaluation
but a relationship
has give
has sacrifices
I AM God
I commanded for fruit

Great is not mustered by effort alone
but by growth
because growth points to and reflects on the status of the stalk”

what do you guys think? i have a lot of thoughts that i will probably share in future posts. but i’m curious to hear what you guys think.

if you don’t know it’s purpose
does that mean it shouldn’t exist
if you didn’t understand
then shouldn’t words have left your mouth
shouldn’t i have heard what you were confused about
if you aren’t here to support
then why did you come at all
but if you know the meaning of support
is it support to watch me fall
if you don’t want to be here
don’t
point your fingers at me
blame is all in the name
of this one man game
you done played
if you’re asking me to stay
i’m telling you i already left
you just never knew
you never wanted to know
your words want me
but your heart said no

©Kira Shymn