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it’s always hard to start writing. especially when you haven’t in a while.

my lack of posting from this blog has mostly been because my heart has been singing. and i’ve discovered that i’m much better at writing about pain than joy.

from my journal, 6.28.18:

“i feel happiness
i feel it permeating
i feel it solidifying
i feel it latching
it’s stemming from thankfulness
a recognition that i have so much to be thankful for
that there is so much to be thankful for
and it’s even coloring the old times a different shade
one with roots connecting to a source
lighter. brighter.
it quiets my soul
and i don’t want to move
because this is exactly where i’ve always wanted to be
and where i was last happy and free”

“here there is an openness
a willingness
to go where i am led
to detach from hopelessness
a desire to reform
in fact
transform
a desire to go deeper
because as happy as
freedom eyes feel
with them i see and
with them i realize
i can’t stay
it’s not a greed for more of the same
but an unveiling of redemptive triumph
but right now in this moment
i sit here and revel and breathe and soak
in pure joy
thankfulness
worry-less
carefree
grace”

“jesus,
i have dreams
did you know
i had dreams
a lot of them died
disappeared
melted away
or beaten down
my foggy future
sometimes feels
impossible
because i don’t have the
piercing light
of a dream
a goal
a vision
a place to be
a thing to do
accomplish
become
i say you are enough
but do you know what i mean
when i say
that i need
a dream
i just want to know
have a sense
have a feeling
of what i’m fighting towards
besides your glory
or specifically
for your glory”

from 6.30.18:

“healing, healing
i had cuts i didn’t know
bloods been leaking out
my smile never changed
but it also never grew
into a jumping joy
the kind i have now
as my feet leave the ground”

“you see the hurts i am trying to cover up
you see the joy
you see it all
God, you see right through me
you pierce through this facade i have been creating
the super suit i put on
the image i bolster
and you said
no, not that one
that’s not my daughter
that’s not the one chosen to be anointed
it’s that one
the girl who stole
the girl who bullied
and even you, writer, who holds this girl to her past pains with the words you ink
she is beyond those
but also
broken still
inside breathes a you that will be
is being
used
that’s my daughter
and with her I am well pleased
I am forming her
you, God, you’re not done with me yet
you God want more from me
because i have more to give
i have questions
i have angers
i have annoyances
i have sadness
i have mistakes
do none of those matter
do those really go away”

Here is what I wrote down when i felt like God was speaking to me:

“Home. you want to go home. you want to die to go home. your home is in your heart. your home is in your body. your home is in ME and I am HERE. Be where I am. I will always be with you and I AM your home.

Try your best. you feel like you have been trying your best. you feel like you failed trying your best and you are processing failure, but hey at least you tried your best. but deep down. you know you did not give your best. you did not rebuke sin to the point of shedding your blood (hebrews). you promised me your best. that’s all I ask. you know I am not asking for perfection. we rebuke perfection. but we are asking for your best. and in your best there will be forgiveness for when you don’t try. there will be grace for when even that falls short. but try AND

I will give you the strength to give your best. I will give more patience. more sincerity. but you must try.
recently you have not been trying. for a while you have been trying to get away with less to conserve energy. to be smarter.
give generously
love patiently
don’t give up
I have not given up
I AM not a judge who will reject offering
but you know when you have not given me ALL that you can give
like the monopoly money trick (as a kid i used to hide money when we played monopoly and use it in the end. people didn’t realize i had more money than i was showing)
ask me what more there is and I will tell you
– your work in the mundane assignments
– your living situation
– your friendships … esp those reaching out to you

Give ALL and I will sustain you
Do not be afraid of the world
for I have overcome the world

my perfect love is casting out your fear

not just a mushy love, a challenging love
that pushes for your potential

not a performance
not an evaluation
but a relationship
has give
has sacrifices
I AM God
I commanded for fruit

Great is not mustered by effort alone
but by growth
because growth points to and reflects on the status of the stalk”

what do you guys think? i have a lot of thoughts that i will probably share in future posts. but i’m curious to hear what you guys think.

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back on campus. I had a rough flight coming back to Boston. but the moment I landed, snow started falling on my face. and all i could do was smile. i felt like a gift was falling down on me. reminding me that i can do this. that this semester is going to be all about hope. hope.

the ski trip was fine. a lot more fun than i thought it was going to be. skiing is one of those things that feels like privilege. because really only people with money can ski. and people who are good at skiing are usually good because they’ve gone more than once. and again that costs money.

for myself. i almost died while skiing in 2014. so whenever i start going too fast a terrifying rush enters my body and i just want to get off the freaking mountain and stop moving so fast. and so i basically sliiiiiiiiiide very carefully down every slope. bunny hill, green circle, blue square. and on black diamonds i lay on my back and sliiiiiiiiiide on down.

but this trip. i was able to get better. it felt like a weird metaphor for my life. yes, i’ve had traumatic experiences. and yes, those experiences still trigger fear and extreme caution and sometimes crazy reactions. and yes, there are moments when i want to just get off this ride and i’m ashamed that people can see what a terrible skier i am. but im doing things at my own pace. im getting down this mountain. and when i get to the bottom, i’m full of hope. hope.

relationships are tough. especially friendships. my least favorite feeling is that hot burn in my cheeks fueled from regret of saying something i want to suck back in. words that are flying away from me and causing a chain of reactions i didn’t anticipate. i want to pause those moments. i want to go back in time in those moments. i want time to move faster faster, fast forward to a time when people have completely forgotten what i said. most of the time this happens when i’m trying to be funny or i get too comfortable or i’m trying to portray something im not, make someone feel a certain way, manipulative.

but i proclaim hope. i cling to hope. i will fight to hope. that this semester won’t end like the last. this semester though my last will be as it should be. and at the end i’ll leave here, shedding the me that couldn’t and rising with the one who can.

crazy. it’s been absolutely crazy. I just returned back to campus after being away for a year. Seeing people that I haven’t seen in a year, people that I am not sure I want to see, people that I hurt and was hurt by. Fighting with family, getting annoyed and making up all over again. and all around is the fear that I might fail miserably, that I can’t learn from past mistakes.

I want to be grounded in you
I want you to be behind everything I do
I don’t need anything else but you
I am back in the hot pot of boiling pressures
back in old circumstances with new priorities
back with a chance at redemption
but regardless of all my plans to start fresh
take this semester and give me hope instead
take my anger and give me the beginnings of forgiveness
please be at the center of my spirit
for you are always where I want to be
and you are always where I am

hope to be posting more as the semester goes on. thanks to those of you who have been supporting and following me. there’s lots to come.

 

Cause I keep thinking
Maybe if I were smarter
Maybe if I ran harder
Maybe if I were thinner
Skipped dinner
Wasn’t a quitter
Then my regrets wouldn’t be this baggage that drowns me, the permanent stitched frown on me, the embarrassment that surrounds me
Maybe I wouldn’t have missed my chance
Maybe you would have found me
Enough to have wanted me and not have let me go
I’ll never tell you, but I came here to see you and be with you and
I’m just the fool who thought
I could be the catch
We were both looking for
Cause I keep thinking
This bus home I just missed, as I sit on the concrete city floor, was more than bad timing
It was my incessant striving
To be anyone I’m not
To have anyone I can’t have
To never be content or happy
Because it takes actual effort to be hungry at a buffet
It takes effort to be beaching without touching sand
To fail with the right freaking answers in hand
So I must be trying extra to screw up this bad
To chase disappointment in exchange for all I had
Cause I keep thinking
Maybe this whole trip was a sign
It’s time for me to stop playing divine
And leave that task to the one who is always able
The one who is more than capable
Of turning the proud, burdened likes of me into a child, innocent and free
Completely unworthy of the grace and love dousing me
Only then do I taste a bit of security, forgetting who I’m not and remembering who You are
Cause I keep thinking
That’s where I truly want to be

got nothing to do, so I’m thinking of you
remembering our time, once upon that time
when we became us, interests intertwined
first come sweet memories, relived subconsciously in sleep
but here comes cold truth, shattered dreams bittersweet
you aren’t thinking of me, I’m no one to you
holding onto wisps, wishing I could go back and redo
fighting against what’s best for me, starting anew
forgetting who we were, were we even anything to you?
no don’t answer that, I’m too busy pretending not to care
done coloring the dark spots rosy, you’re not really there
sick of wasting thought time in the past, but I’m sick that way
alone with memories, sad pathetic hope ever last

my daughter
I have never forgotten you
I heard your cries then
I hear them now
I know the walls you have built
not just the one, but the other four as well
the first one built when he touched you
the second one when she criticized you
the third when they abandoned you
the fourth when you thought I did too
the fifth now just in case, because building walls
that’s just what you do
for protection
against danger, against murderous anger
to keep out the bad people who took advantage of you
but daughter you’re keeping me out too
you’re forcing out people who truly care about you
I know about the lost baby
I know trust is just as dead as the innocent child inside you
my daughter
however many walls you build
that’s how many I will break through
to find you
to love you, my daughter
I love you
I am always here for you
do not be afraid as
your sturdy built sheltering walls, those I will break
hidden chains that bind, evil lies, those I will break
even your pride, I will break
until you yourself might feel completely broken too
but only then will you discover
that I built you
and I build you now
and I will keep on building upon you
building my love into you
showing my love through you
my daughter, my creation
you were not built to break
you were made with purpose
for something eternally great
I have already claimed victory
cast your cares on me
because those walls you build
those were built to break
but you were built for eternity.

beaten badly, broken
habit of looking down
as if eyes were always meant to be glued to the ground

shoulders slumped, shivering
chilly, gaping hole
where pride was punched out – now there’s an empty soul

darkness darkness, dear
welcome back old friend
come bring the chains, bind motivation to the bed

nonsense numbing, nothing
ever forgotten, never free
inside dead indifference, outside laughs happily


what if the person in this piece is sitting next to you
she thinks she’s all alone, never knows what to do

what if it’s that guy who got everythin’ he need
but when the cutting started, only God saw him bleed

of course every story is different
i’m not trying to know it all
i only know how i felt with so many contacts but no one to call

brother sister, people
let’s fight against this pain
the one we often write about, but can never fully explain.