Archive

Tag Archives: journal

im ranting now. i live in this house where i rent a room. the woman who owns my house decided to sell it. i still have a bit of anger about the fact that she didn’t really tell me she was going to do it. i mean i’m sure she was planning on it eventually, but i found out because i saw her looking at houses and asked her what she was doing and she told me she was thinking about selling the house.

so now we are in this phase where i have to keep my room clean. basically i have to live as if i don’t live in the room/bathroom/house. then there are times when im not allowed to come home because someone is seeing the house. it’s not that those 30 min are going to end my life. it’s that i all of a sudden can’t go home and lie down. it’s taking away that comfort of a home. which is a total first world problem, but is also triggering so much else.

so im trying to move. already a difficult process i think. i got paired up with this girl. what happened was i posted myself on a roommate website and she saw my face and recognized me from a coworker’s party. she texted me and we started looking at rooms together. unfortunately she wants to keep living in the downtown area which is more expensive than the area i wanted to live in. she also is a bit … she is very on top of things. she has an excel sheet that keeps track of all the apartments we’ve looked at, she has notes from all the phone calls she’s made, when we saw places in person she was definitely the leader and she was very on point in asking the necessary questions. i’ve just found that she also doesn’t have much empathy. she operates pretty much entirely on logic. she wasn’t able to put herself in my shoes or in the shoes of a person who had to take a loft instead of a bedroom. she was fighting back saying that a person should be more than happy to get in a loft in such a nice apartment. regardless, it just reminded me that i don’t know her. and i’m about to commit to living with her. which is fine but not ideal. again a first world problem.

so i feel trapped. i feel like if i back out of living with her now it will be annoying for both of us. but quite honestly thinking about moving makes me realize that i don’t want to move. i really don’t want to pack all my things. resettle. move my bed. i don’t want to have to deal with that.

and then speaking of things i don’t want to deal with. work is pretty bad. it’s just a whole day full of shit i don’t want to deal with. i mean is everyone’s work truly like this?? I was talking to one person at work today and she jokingly said “wow, you have such a millennial bad attitude” … and i laughed it off and told her i try my best to have a good attitude, but sometimes the bullshit burns through the good and reveals a bitter, jaded underbelly. but yeah i’m sure she has a point. im sure all of this is me not having a lot of grit. me not understanding how to have endurance and put up with struggle. put up with unknowns, bullshit, tension, and transition. but also am i allowed to say that this sucks? am i allowed to say that i don’t want to be here, or maybe more accurately that i don’t want to stay?? i think it’s one thing to complain about where you are. i think it’s another thing to feel a depth, a never ending tunnel, a darkness into an abyss when it comes to thinking about where you are going. and i quite honestly feel like i’m continuing to walk down this path that leads to nowhere, that keeps getting darker, that keeps me eating myself alive.

so then at what point am i having a bad attitude? and at what point am i just a fool who doesn’t know how to change my circumstances and dig out of this hell?

and i’m scared. that im just running away again. that my only consistent move has been to run away from things i don’t like. from things that have been difficult. that’s really the core of why i think about death so much. because death to me in those instances is like a game over in a video game. who cares if you die at least you aren’t in the same place as you were. at least you get to start over again. except i wouldn’t start over. but that’s the thing the thought of ending these small issues feels more comforting to me then tackling them. which is ridiculous. i know. you don’t need to lecture me. why do you think i’m writing this? it’s because i can’t just die. but also i’m writing this to admit that i wish i could.

when i work here. and im feeling good. or im feeling something motivating me. it’s because im motivated to make a change in this place. im motivated that as much as i want to change the world i need to change the world im actually participating in right now. and i need to chip away at what that means right here. because if i can’t do it here and now then why in the world would i be able to do it somewhere else. yes maybe a different wall or a different mountain is where i’ll ultimately find my potential, but at least in some capacity, maybe it’s minuscule, but in some capacity i can grow here too.

the problem is that as much as this place and these people are the things i feel motivated to change. they are the exact thing that completely overwhelms me. i get so annoyed and then so angry about the situations that happen at work. i get so bogged down by bad/outdated systems or by the blame culture or by the monotony or the meaninglessness. and then i get so frustrated by incompetency in people. people who’ve been doing the same thing the same way for 25 years, people who aren’t motivated to run hard and run fast. why should i give my best when it’s being thrown into the wind like this? and then i get really mad at myself too. because my work is not something i’m proud of here. i feel like i was thrown into another foreign country, and as much as i’ve done to assimilate, sometimes the papers that get sent back to my desk all crossed out and edited for my silly spelling errors or mathematical mistakes, sometimes those hurt the most, are the most demotivating.

so then sometimes i just sit here and say fuck it all. and i want to be okay with that. i want to be okay with this “no prospect” life i’m leading right now. it’s just that the reason why i’m not is because i don’t think i can ever be okay without purpose.

so im just here. ranting. complaining. trying to make sense of what can trigger tears into my eyes. what has caused me to feel so down. and yet why i also keep coming back. mind you, not a “come back” i see very little if any redemption here. just coming back. like the way you get in your car and start driving and before you know it you’re at work and you didn’t even remember which way you turned to get there because you’re just at the same place in the same routine as you always will be until you’re not. and right now that’s all i have. and it’s driving me insane.

Advertisements

13 Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. 14 As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16 for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”[a]

17 Since you call on a Father who judges each person’s work impartially, live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear. 18 For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, 19 but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. 20 He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.21 Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.

22 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.[b] 23 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. 24 For,

“All people are like grass,
    and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall,
25     but the word of the Lord endures forever.”[c]

And this is the word that was preached to you.

fully sober – recently i have been thinking back and forth about how seriously the bible takes sobriety. it seems to be pretty clear that we are to be of sober mind. however i also have a problem with the way Christians legally and judgmentally approach people who drink or smoke. I don’t like that someone feels totally fine about a person and then once they discover that they drink/smoke that changes the way they feel about that person. Or that that person is somehow less of a Christian. I also think that Christian people can stumble others by drinking too much or smoking too much. SO again. I am torn. I think the easiest and most straight forward answer is for myself personally, that I want to refrain from drinking to drunkenness and smoking to be high. However I am open about my struggle here. Especially recently because i haven’t been in consistent christian community, I find myself wanting to “escape” and hang around non christians who i know smoke a lot or get drunk to have fun. in their presence i feel a release of myself and allow myself to run away from something. and at the same time i build of this plaque on my teeth kind of guilt about being a bad representation of Christ to them. WHILE at the same time also brushing that off and telling myself that Naomi was telling Ruth to run away from God and that still brought Ruth to God. All of this to say … this is on my mind.

set your hope – interesting that hope can be “set.” Hope is something you have in/on something, so you have to set it in that thing. it’s not just an abstract concept that floats in the air when you’re sad and someone’s like “have hope!” you have to have something to be able to set your hope in/on

as obedient children – this is kind of tied to my thoughts on “sober mind.” i think recently there have been things that God is clearly just asking me to be obedient about and i think these are definitely things that I choose to be ignorant about. Like I always say to myself, if God clearly asks me “don’t drink” “don’t smoke” then I wouldn’t. It’s only because to me, in my opinion, he hasn’t said that to me … but then i challenge myself by saying ok well let’s pretend like he has said it to you … could you even do it?? and then i try to go for a while of not doing these things and i just fall back into them … and my excuse for falling back in is because i don’t want to be a “legalistic” pharisee. but maybe the truth is just that i need to be an obedient child. it’s funny that they say child because a child is SO obedient! they just trust and do what they are told! they haven’t thought yet about why they do or don’t want to do what they are told. i think it’s also really clear here that your desires can be evil. sometimes i think i don’t like to admit that my desires can be evil … i want desires to always be “natural” but maybe just because they are natural doesn’t mean they aren’t evil!

be holy in all you do – i think there are other bible passages that talk about this, but my main question here is ok … what does that mean then? how do i do that?

father who judges; reverent fear – this verse is interesting to me … if God is our Father, then why is he judging us? I guess my dad judges me too? I think by judge it doesn’t mean “thinks badly of” it just means assesses or evaluates? and also if he’s my father than why do i need to fear him? I think I need a deeper understanding of why and how we fear God.

perishable v imperishable – i like this theme of what is perishable and what is not. God is not perishable whereas our own glory is.

Jesus,

Things have been better in the last few days. I feel more stable. I feel like I just have to keep going. I feel like a source of support for other people. It’s always funny how it shifts like that. How either i’m doing so so badly and i can’t think of anyone else but myself. and i’m crying and struggling. or im doing great but then get all these things from other people.

praying for D as she tries to sell the house. i’m not sure how i’m supposed to tell her about you. does it count if i don’t say your name at all but am just a good roommate and a loving person? or do you call me to be blunt and say something about you? and say that I think it’s important that she knows you? how do i do that? is that on my heart as something to do? is that something you are commanding me to do? is there a time for that? show me please. i do care about her. i do get annoyed by her. but i also know that this time that i lived with her was important. she is in my prayers. i know she is someone that you love deeply. teach me how to show sincerely love to her from my heart.

praying for my new rooming situation. please help me get cheaper rent haha. help me to get along with the girl that i live with. im not sure if it will work out. im not even sure if i want to keep living in this state. but

thank you Jesus. thank you for all of the privilege you have given me. thank you that i have a computer to type on and a phone to use and a job to work at. thank you that i have money to buy food and a car to drive. thank you for these material things. help me not to be defined by these material things. Jesus I only want to be defined by you. I don’t want the most important thing in my life to be chasing after the things you call perishable. i want to be growing from an imperishable seed. i want to be rooted firmly in your everlasting WORD. i want to be purified through obedience so that i can set my hope in YOU in something that’s faithful. help me to be more like an obedient child who just does what you are asking me to do. not one who conforms to what is easier or what is comfortable or what i want to do just because i want to do it.

please see my heart Jesus. with all of the struggles and sin and disobedience, please see my heart and that it yearns for you. let my words not just be words. let this time that i’ve been here in connecticut be one where i become grounded in my relationship with you. in the midst of loneliness and more loneliness. in the midst of boring work or weird people or death or drama. God i just want to be closer to you. i am tired of pretending like you aren’t there and that i can figure this all out without you. i want to come back to resting in your presence. sharpen me. i am still just a christian that speaks christianese. i am still just a double agent that fades in the background when i want to fit in. i am still a depressed fool who denies you even as i spent so much time with you and know that you are my savior. thank you for your mercy and grace. use this time of my singleness for your glory. remind me again that i’m not the star of this show. you are and you have always been!

climbed this touristy peak today
went alone, but left with old friends
I feel like I learned the meaning of soul friends
even though we were strangers before I sat next to you on that tram
we connected, we shared, we laughed, we prayed
like we were real friends
which got me thinking
that I’m so busy trying to fit in with my group of friends
that I never check to see if they are true friends
and don’t get me wrong I have great friends
I just never realized how much I compromise to be friends
because when your friends drink and you don’t
but then you start because they do
because when your friends are totally comfortable with sex
and you’re kinda curious, lonely, and confused
but also sure you don’t want to hook up with some rando
you end up with things you’re proud to tell but ashamed to admit
and when you go to church and invite them along
it’s awkward, it seems you are pretending to belong
because your friend has seen your absolute worst
but now you’re lifting hands while singing some Christian song
why should they pretend to be a goodie like you
at least their honest and proud of what they do
there’s so much compromise there
like I’m jumping fences between who I am and what I believe
because my friends have very different values from me
but today these people I met and traveled with
God fill my life with more people like these
who remind me of your glory
of your presence
of peace

5/25/2016

maybe one day. i’ll be old and happy. i’ll have lived a full life. i’ll have nothing more to achieve.
maybe one day. things won’t feel so heavy. it won’t be so hard to wake up. and pretend like im free.
maybe one day. i won’t breakdown so much. i won’t cry or yell or scream or curse.
maybe one day. i’ll be tired but fulfilled. and so then i’ll be satisfied not burdened with guilt.
or maybe one day. all this will end. i will let uglies take the best of me. and i’ll never see you again.

1.10.19
posting all my unwritten drafts #1

a boy likes me. time to freak out. it’s for real this time. at least i’m pretty sure. but i guess you can never be sure until it falls out of his lips. does the fact that he likes me mean that i like him. are you allowed to not know. it’s funny cause i have always been the one to crush on someone else. and wait and hope that he feels the same. but now im on the receiving end. and i just don’t know!

do i enjoy hanging out with him? yes i do. but not when i’m trying to analyze if i enjoy hanging out with him!

i’m also really tired. so not going to be able to type out all the details. but for tomorrow.

you’re asking me out
but you won’t call it a date
so i won’t call it a date
at least not to your face
but believe me my circle knows
and they’re all watching you
and if im being honest
im making myself confused since
i just don’t think i’ll end up with you
but how can i be so short sighted
decided, judgemental, so rude
why do you think im letting you slide in these dms
and pretending like this is just what friends do
cause im four “dates” ahead of your sly frog-in-a-pot moves
and im already imagining you confessing your love
and im already dreading what i’ll have to say then
so im kinda of hoping you’ll help me out
change my mind
change my image of men
specifically the man i thought was meant to be
or accept that i am not who you thought i would be
not the one, not your one, no i am not she

i’m just going to start typing. start writing. without regard to this monitoring work computer that has become my life. don’t even remember how to use macs anymore. give me that pc life.

every day has been strung together so that i could be convinced ive just been experiencing one long day. today, i sit here frustrated at all the little tasks and all the little steps and all the interactions that are involved in all those parts. and for what. for something im not sure i care to fight for. something im not sure why it needs to happen in the first place. he asks for passion. i have just barely enough motivation to scrape by what you need. to give you the facade of a dream. to scribble words on these postit notes and numbers in the cell that formulate the donuts that i don’t care to eat.

it’s 6:41 and the office is empty. and im sitting here with enough work i could stay here until the fluorescent lights sleep for the night and flicker back on. it’s not that i hate it. it’s that i don’t love it. it’s that some moments are fun. care-free. like this is a team or a rag-tag family. but some days, like today, are hard to swallow. in fact it’s hard to think at all. my brain is stiff. i wouldn’t be surprised if brain lobes were squeezing out of my ears.

i wouldn’t be surprised if i stay here forever. because im being lulled into sleep. im being hardened and one could call it trained but i call it grinded into a system. but i’m pretty sure it would be the same no matter where i went.

so here i am. im not unhappy. but i guess im not content. and i guess im not alive with excitement. im just moving. taking steps. typing words. writing plans. answering emails. being called out on my mistakes. hearing people’s problems. all the while it feels like im stuck in a time where the world moves on without me.

i just want to know my purpose. i just want to find what i was made for. i want to find people who inspire me to strive for that. is it too much to ask for every day to be filled to the brim? to every day to wake up knowing you’re doing what you were always supposed to do. is it too much to ask. to feel fulfilled.

it’s interesting because i don’t feel like i’m rotting here. i feel like when i was in college i could let myself rot. but here i have to keep moving. i have to wake up i have to go i have to turn in something i have to keep the machine churning. so it’s been good. learning how to build faithfulness.

im rambling, but im trying to say something. im trying to pin point this something in me that has been calling. i havent been able to access that data. it’s like it’s under four feet of rock that has now calloused over the four months of this time. it’s a weird feeling to feel that dead inside. because sometimes when i wish to run away from life it’s an intense feeling that stops me from doing life. but here i am deadened to my own feelings and so i have been able to just keep doing life.

yeah. now i’m just not making sense. but that’s what you get. at the end of another day of the longest day of my life.

A LOT has been happening people. to start. I am terribly sick. it’s the kind of sickness where i feel functional. i feel like i can do things. i feel like i can go to work and sit at my cube. and then i get there and the sky starts falling down. my brain shuts off. headaches start piercing through my eyes and into the back of my skull. and i just can’t move. let alone think or breathe or turn in work to get approved. or take care of anything.

this being sick has made me stop and think. and realize that i’m losing it. i’m losing everything. i don’t remember who i am or what i wanted to do or who i wanted to do it with.

i started a dating app. and by “a” i mean two. and by two i mean. i’m on two dating apps but i’m contemplating downloading a third. and by on i mean i can’t stop looking at it and replying to messages. all while feeling completely in a dream. because none of those conversations feel real. and my self-esteem just wobbles in between wow i have an amazing profile why wouldn’t all these guys like me to wow the guys that like me are weird and what does that say about me to wow even if these guys love me it’s based on a shallow profile. i want to throw my phone across the room and just be a married grandma already with grand kids and crocheting to do and church functions to attend.

and that’s the other thing. i have no Christian friends. i don’t remember what it’s like to be around Christians in person anymore. and i don’t know if i would like it if i went back. and i feel like running. i want to run from everything and everyone. i want to disappear all the time. every day.

i feel so lost. and it’s so dramatic. it’s ridiculous how i’m feeling. because my feelings are telling me to freak out and to cry and to roll around on the ground and sob until i can’t my eyes get all puffy and impossible to open. my feelings are telling me that i’m never going to be good at my job and that i don’t even like the work that i’m doing at my job and that i am all alone. completely alone. and that there’s no point. in all of this.

while my brain is saying. i’m here because i’m learning how to be faithful. i’m learning how to be consistent. i’m learning that it’s difficult to wake up every day and commit to something especially when you aren’t good at it right away. but that’s what character is built from. that’s where grit is made. and i need more grit. my brain tells me that friends take time to make. and that i have so much to be thankful for. my brain tells me that this sickness is a time to rest and get better and not push my body but let it heal.

when i do pray and ask God to speak to me. he declares that he has plans for me. he declares that those plans are not meant to harm me but are filled with hope. he declares that he wants me to commit to him every day like Daniel did. even when Daniel’s company turned against him. even when Daniel was all alone, he remained faithful to God. and in return, God never broke his promises. God has been reminding me that I am being prepared for my lions den. for the place where he’s going to show me his POWER to shut the mouth of lions. his PEACE in the pit of betrayal, loneliness, and weeping and gnashing of teeth. and his PRESENCE.

SO with all of this. i am in the midst of a daily fight. one that if i don’t listen to my brain and attempt to listen to God. I get overwhelmed by my emotions. by the weight of sickness and my circumstances. it’s a poison that tastes bitter but changes my palette so that I only crave more poison. until im brainless and dying.

it’s hard to keep fighting though. it’s especially hard when i feel no community around me. i can think all the right things but nothing encourages you to do it like people standing tall next to you. i honestly feel that this is one of the hardest times in my life. this transition has been far from easy. there is so much that i need to learn. and so much that i was not prepared for.

it’s occurring to me now that i am being massively humbled. and that i need Jesus. i just need him. so desperately. and i only hope he’ll continue to take me back. and continue to be my rock.