im ranting now. i live in this house where i rent a room. the woman who owns my house decided to sell it. i still have a bit of anger about the fact that she didn’t really tell me she was going to do it. i mean i’m sure she was planning on it eventually, but i found out because i saw her looking at houses and asked her what she was doing and she told me she was thinking about selling the house.
so now we are in this phase where i have to keep my room clean. basically i have to live as if i don’t live in the room/bathroom/house. then there are times when im not allowed to come home because someone is seeing the house. it’s not that those 30 min are going to end my life. it’s that i all of a sudden can’t go home and lie down. it’s taking away that comfort of a home. which is a total first world problem, but is also triggering so much else.
so im trying to move. already a difficult process i think. i got paired up with this girl. what happened was i posted myself on a roommate website and she saw my face and recognized me from a coworker’s party. she texted me and we started looking at rooms together. unfortunately she wants to keep living in the downtown area which is more expensive than the area i wanted to live in. she also is a bit … she is very on top of things. she has an excel sheet that keeps track of all the apartments we’ve looked at, she has notes from all the phone calls she’s made, when we saw places in person she was definitely the leader and she was very on point in asking the necessary questions. i’ve just found that she also doesn’t have much empathy. she operates pretty much entirely on logic. she wasn’t able to put herself in my shoes or in the shoes of a person who had to take a loft instead of a bedroom. she was fighting back saying that a person should be more than happy to get in a loft in such a nice apartment. regardless, it just reminded me that i don’t know her. and i’m about to commit to living with her. which is fine but not ideal. again a first world problem.
so i feel trapped. i feel like if i back out of living with her now it will be annoying for both of us. but quite honestly thinking about moving makes me realize that i don’t want to move. i really don’t want to pack all my things. resettle. move my bed. i don’t want to have to deal with that.
and then speaking of things i don’t want to deal with. work is pretty bad. it’s just a whole day full of shit i don’t want to deal with. i mean is everyone’s work truly like this?? I was talking to one person at work today and she jokingly said “wow, you have such a millennial bad attitude” … and i laughed it off and told her i try my best to have a good attitude, but sometimes the bullshit burns through the good and reveals a bitter, jaded underbelly. but yeah i’m sure she has a point. im sure all of this is me not having a lot of grit. me not understanding how to have endurance and put up with struggle. put up with unknowns, bullshit, tension, and transition. but also am i allowed to say that this sucks? am i allowed to say that i don’t want to be here, or maybe more accurately that i don’t want to stay?? i think it’s one thing to complain about where you are. i think it’s another thing to feel a depth, a never ending tunnel, a darkness into an abyss when it comes to thinking about where you are going. and i quite honestly feel like i’m continuing to walk down this path that leads to nowhere, that keeps getting darker, that keeps me eating myself alive.
so then at what point am i having a bad attitude? and at what point am i just a fool who doesn’t know how to change my circumstances and dig out of this hell?
and i’m scared. that im just running away again. that my only consistent move has been to run away from things i don’t like. from things that have been difficult. that’s really the core of why i think about death so much. because death to me in those instances is like a game over in a video game. who cares if you die at least you aren’t in the same place as you were. at least you get to start over again. except i wouldn’t start over. but that’s the thing the thought of ending these small issues feels more comforting to me then tackling them. which is ridiculous. i know. you don’t need to lecture me. why do you think i’m writing this? it’s because i can’t just die. but also i’m writing this to admit that i wish i could.
when i work here. and im feeling good. or im feeling something motivating me. it’s because im motivated to make a change in this place. im motivated that as much as i want to change the world i need to change the world im actually participating in right now. and i need to chip away at what that means right here. because if i can’t do it here and now then why in the world would i be able to do it somewhere else. yes maybe a different wall or a different mountain is where i’ll ultimately find my potential, but at least in some capacity, maybe it’s minuscule, but in some capacity i can grow here too.
the problem is that as much as this place and these people are the things i feel motivated to change. they are the exact thing that completely overwhelms me. i get so annoyed and then so angry about the situations that happen at work. i get so bogged down by bad/outdated systems or by the blame culture or by the monotony or the meaninglessness. and then i get so frustrated by incompetency in people. people who’ve been doing the same thing the same way for 25 years, people who aren’t motivated to run hard and run fast. why should i give my best when it’s being thrown into the wind like this? and then i get really mad at myself too. because my work is not something i’m proud of here. i feel like i was thrown into another foreign country, and as much as i’ve done to assimilate, sometimes the papers that get sent back to my desk all crossed out and edited for my silly spelling errors or mathematical mistakes, sometimes those hurt the most, are the most demotivating.
so then sometimes i just sit here and say fuck it all. and i want to be okay with that. i want to be okay with this “no prospect” life i’m leading right now. it’s just that the reason why i’m not is because i don’t think i can ever be okay without purpose.
so im just here. ranting. complaining. trying to make sense of what can trigger tears into my eyes. what has caused me to feel so down. and yet why i also keep coming back. mind you, not a “come back” i see very little if any redemption here. just coming back. like the way you get in your car and start driving and before you know it you’re at work and you didn’t even remember which way you turned to get there because you’re just at the same place in the same routine as you always will be until you’re not. and right now that’s all i have. and it’s driving me insane.