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lost ~
i feel like you’re the one
you’re supposed to be in my life
i’ve been searching for someone like you
but why can’t he just be you
i tried letting go
that’s why i ignored you each time
but you’re creeping back in
seeping into my mind
so do i let you overtake my fantasies
glimmering with the slightest hope of a distant reality
or do i shut the door
in my face and yours
because you’re the road
i can’t afford
to lose
myself
while pining for
~ you

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a new series ~ of writings i start but never finish. those that are left unwritten.

im floating away
to nowhere
unseen
im lost inside
these worldly memories
defined by previous
inconsistencies
carved immovable
my past lies
lifeless
irredeemable
half complete

A LOT has been happening people. to start. I am terribly sick. it’s the kind of sickness where i feel functional. i feel like i can do things. i feel like i can go to work and sit at my cube. and then i get there and the sky starts falling down. my brain shuts off. headaches start piercing through my eyes and into the back of my skull. and i just can’t move. let alone think or breathe or turn in work to get approved. or take care of anything.

this being sick has made me stop and think. and realize that i’m losing it. i’m losing everything. i don’t remember who i am or what i wanted to do or who i wanted to do it with.

i started a dating app. and by “a” i mean two. and by two i mean. i’m on two dating apps but i’m contemplating downloading a third. and by on i mean i can’t stop looking at it and replying to messages. all while feeling completely in a dream. because none of those conversations feel real. and my self-esteem just wobbles in between wow i have an amazing profile why wouldn’t all these guys like me to wow the guys that like me are weird and what does that say about me to wow even if these guys love me it’s based on a shallow profile. i want to throw my phone across the room and just be a married grandma already with grand kids and crocheting to do and church functions to attend.

and that’s the other thing. i have no Christian friends. i don’t remember what it’s like to be around Christians in person anymore. and i don’t know if i would like it if i went back. and i feel like running. i want to run from everything and everyone. i want to disappear all the time. every day.

i feel so lost. and it’s so dramatic. it’s ridiculous how i’m feeling. because my feelings are telling me to freak out and to cry and to roll around on the ground and sob until i can’t my eyes get all puffy and impossible to open. my feelings are telling me that i’m never going to be good at my job and that i don’t even like the work that i’m doing at my job and that i am all alone. completely alone. and that there’s no point. in all of this.

while my brain is saying. i’m here because i’m learning how to be faithful. i’m learning how to be consistent. i’m learning that it’s difficult to wake up every day and commit to something especially when you aren’t good at it right away. but that’s what character is built from. that’s where grit is made. and i need more grit. my brain tells me that friends take time to make. and that i have so much to be thankful for. my brain tells me that this sickness is a time to rest and get better and not push my body but let it heal.

when i do pray and ask God to speak to me. he declares that he has plans for me. he declares that those plans are not meant to harm me but are filled with hope. he declares that he wants me to commit to him every day like Daniel did. even when Daniel’s company turned against him. even when Daniel was all alone, he remained faithful to God. and in return, God never broke his promises. God has been reminding me that I am being prepared for my lions den. for the place where he’s going to show me his POWER to shut the mouth of lions. his PEACE in the pit of betrayal, loneliness, and weeping and gnashing of teeth. and his PRESENCE.

SO with all of this. i am in the midst of a daily fight. one that if i don’t listen to my brain and attempt to listen to God. I get overwhelmed by my emotions. by the weight of sickness and my circumstances. it’s a poison that tastes bitter but changes my palette so that I only crave more poison. until im brainless and dying.

it’s hard to keep fighting though. it’s especially hard when i feel no community around me. i can think all the right things but nothing encourages you to do it like people standing tall next to you. i honestly feel that this is one of the hardest times in my life. this transition has been far from easy. there is so much that i need to learn. and so much that i was not prepared for.

it’s occurring to me now that i am being massively humbled. and that i need Jesus. i just need him. so desperately. and i only hope he’ll continue to take me back. and continue to be my rock.

pink bleak aura
daily she sings
remind me blessing
of paradoxical things
roaming find lonely
ignore console friend
destitute room mating
(with the)
ever dreaded end
stuffed objective treasures
provoking loved endeavors
such useless objects
such meaningless dreams
throat scratched chokes
over thrown truth
tonight she dies
tomorrow she cries
yesterday she emerged
brand spanking new

there is ugliness pouring out of me. i want to say every curse word i know. i want to put all kinds of junk in my body. until i can’t feel hunger. or sadness. or pain.

i want emotional novacaine. the strong shit that loops out my brain. because in reality i can’t face life. i can’t understand myself. with all the blessings i get. i’ve spoiled my potential. im upset with the loss that each day takes away. a little bit more of who i thought i was. and returns a warped version of who i can be. all twisted by who i should be. i’ve out measured myself. in comparison to the giants. that are comparing themselves to giants. that aren’t comparing themselves to any standard but simply becoming the standard. by being themselves. growing giants. so far from my shrinking identity.

there is a life worth living. i’m just not sure about mine. i’m not sure about every grain of thought that runs through my mind and collects itself like plaque until it reeks of infection. wounds dripping blood because the scabs ripped off them. i’m not sure who my real friend is. i’m upset that i have to listen to all of your confessions. and that the people surrounding me are just as messed up and regressing.

i hate this place i’m in. it’s like a pit where the only way out is money even though money demands your joy and years of your life. yet we trade away joy for something that takes away life. because that seems to be the only way out of this shit hole. people revere it. even if you believe in God you need it. we steal it. rules melt, fearless.

i’m sorry mom that i’m not who you want me to be. i’m sorry that i can’t be free from these uglies. i’m sorry that i hurt you and disappoint you. i don’t want to be this way, but i guess the fact that i am suggests otherwise. i have no words to encourage myself. and i don’t want to hear yours either. so i’m in a never ending cycle, with the only guarantee of my impending doom. please please someone breakthrough. but for now, i’ll be here. not listening to anything but the ghost of my numbed out body cells decaying.

 

 

 

oh sadness sadness dear
hello again old friend
come draw the curtains
come lay with me in bed
on my chest heavy ladened
my burdens litter the floor
i can’t talk can’t dream can’t get up anymore
fixate on fixating
this question berating
your last smokes takes hits from that same drug defeat
“where are you going?”
where am I going?
the world’s moving while I’m stuck
staring at these two feet
not the son that rises
not the person carrying me
surely not securely
bend broken bent
my will to progress forward coward lies regressed enfolds depressed in folds repressed in fetal position possessed and fools repeat
i’m lost sadness
leave me please
but you overstay again until I’m crushed again and my motivations remain chained deceased

where are you going
©Kira Shymn

~~posted on 3.7.18
~~written on 3.5.18

“it’s just funny
that the reason i’m in this place is because of the things i won’t do
and i won’t do those things because of the place that i’m in.” — K. Shymn

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
my brain won’t turn off
i just don’t want to sleep
so i get up and sit on the window sill
and i look down at the street
and i think about how in a 1 second decision
i could be sleeping forever
and the only thing that stops me is
my fear of people
people finding me
people judging me
people feeling bad for my family
so i don’t go
because of people

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
i need to move
i need to run away
because the mind runs stupid
so i get up and put my hood on
i walk out
in the 3 am glow of street lamps I walk to the bridge
and i lay on the edge
and i think about floating away
and the only thing that stops me is
that i’m tired now and i have to get up at 8 tomorrow
and that other meeting at 2
so i don’t go
because of tomorrow

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
i just want to talk to someone
so i scroll through all my contacts
and imagine what i would say
and the only thing that stops me is
that i wouldn’t even really know what to say
or how it would help
so i don’t call
because of me

it’s just funny
that the reason i’m in this place is because of the things i won’t do
and i won’t do those things because of the place that i’m in.

so here i am
standing in a never ending storm
the kind of storm that leaves you outside until you are too far to go home
that’s when the pouring comes and the soaking happens
when the wind tears you apart
and you don’t even have a stupid umbrella prepared
that’s where i’m standing
but i’m not going to be standing much longer
i think soon i’ll be drowning
in the aftermath of this storm.
©Kira Shymn

~~ posted on 3.6.18