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a boy likes me. time to freak out. it’s for real this time. at least i’m pretty sure. but i guess you can never be sure until it falls out of his lips. does the fact that he likes me mean that i like him. are you allowed to not know. it’s funny cause i have always been the one to crush on someone else. and wait and hope that he feels the same. but now im on the receiving end. and i just don’t know!

do i enjoy hanging out with him? yes i do. but not when i’m trying to analyze if i enjoy hanging out with him!

i’m also really tired. so not going to be able to type out all the details. but for tomorrow.

you’re asking me out
but you won’t call it a date
so i won’t call it a date
at least not to your face
but believe me my circle knows
and they’re all watching you
and if im being honest
im making myself confused since
i just don’t think i’ll end up with you
but how can i be so short sighted
decided, judgemental, so rude
why do you think im letting you slide in these dms
and pretending like this is just what friends do
cause im four “dates” ahead of your sly frog-in-a-pot moves
and im already imagining you confessing your love
and im already dreading what i’ll have to say then
so im kinda of hoping you’ll help me out
change my mind
change my image of men
specifically the man i thought was meant to be
or accept that i am not who you thought i would be
not the one, not your one, no i am not she

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lost ~
i feel like you’re the one
you’re supposed to be in my life
i’ve been searching for someone like you
but why can’t he just be you
i tried letting go
that’s why i ignored you each time
but you’re creeping back in
seeping into my mind
so do i let you overtake my fantasies
glimmering with the slightest hope of a distant reality
or do i shut the door
in my face and yours
because you’re the road
i can’t afford
to lose
myself
while pining for
~ you

im afraid i might love you
or maybe not
maybe im afraid that you love me
or that you never did
or that you chose not to
so let me choose for both of us
let me say no first
before your rejection crushes
something i didn’t know i wanted
all i know is
when everyone’s in the room
i want to sit next to you and
feel the light touch of your warmth against my arm
all i know is
you make me laugh constantly
you say things i never thought of before
im never not smiling
when im with you
all i know is
we speak the same language
and when i talk
your eyes are listening
searching for what im really saying
responding with your heart
all i know is
right now we are apart
and besides that
im not sure what we are
so all i really know
during those pauses in our face time is
im scared to ask
can you take me there baby
when maybe our best is right where we are

©Kira Shymn

cause today today
it’s all about today
it’s all about right now
not those stale promises
from a time of equal sincerity
without executed obedience
i’m thankful today
for how far you’ve brought me
and the people around me
and the gifts i’ve received
even those unboxed and thrown away
i’ve erased the line graph predicting my trajectory
i’m done looking for progress in process of perfecting me
i’m excited to take one step by step
in forward truth stretching patience beyond virtue
filled with strength beyond youth
my lungs expanding as poured drink offerings run through
this vessel so empty
alive, a live, a living sacrifice
i shall transform into
and in so doing regain my love
my precious child like wonder and everlasting fruit

©Kira Shymn

don’t leave me
don’t leave me
my insides pulling apart
my disgust of you pushed aside
because in this moment i’d rather be with you
than alone
which i don’t voice
instead my voice
pines for you to stay
as if my tone could stretch out and caress your ear
and whisper dear sweet tingly air
that enlarges into boulders buckling one knee down
until you’re trapped by this sound
of an option besides lonely
of heat from breath
of a small glimpse that maybe this we exists
when will we both realize
the silence of loneliness
is sultry symphony
while the creaking of our lungs
enclosed in the same four walls
is that high pitched screech
of my soul dying
as i continue to slice it up
and serve it to you
now there’s none left for me
and the one who i keep waiting for
to complete this we
and when you eventually do leave
you’re taking that part of me with you
so
don’t leave me
don’t leave me
you’re leaving with parts of me
that i’ll never get back
that’ll never grow back
how much of me is left
when you leave

image by burcumbaygut
©Kira Shymn

these last 2 weeks have been a lot. im not even sure what to write here. i want to write everything on my mind. the way that i promised i would here. but each time i sat down to write, the problem wasn’t that there wasn’t anything to say, but that i had absolutely no idea how to say it.
no idea how to process the sadness and anger and hurt and pain in my body. the genuine desire to love those who wanted to pin me down and feed me their rhetoric. to convince me that the fibers of my being are hateful and the basis of my faith is discriminatory. which i’ve been finally processing. and maybe, honestly, maybe it is.
even though they only see inevitable conflict, stark incompatibility between my desire to care and what i believe. if i believe this, then i am incapable of truly loving. and i am not sure i agree with them on that.

but i realized. that this platform is not meant for me to be ashamed. this platform is for me to express my inner most. though it may be raw and ugly. though the world may hate me for it. i am writing here for me. and for God. He is my audience of one.

the next few days I will be releasing some writings that have come out of this time. im tempted to copy and paste some of the articles that have been written to provide you all with some context. but i am afraid. im afraid that will immediately launch this into a debate again. with sides and with hurts and with a war and with absolutes. where i must absolutely agree that this was wrong, otherwise i am a stupid fool on the wrong side of history who oppresses the marginalized.

i guess i’ll just say. that a group on my campus invited a controversial speaker. leading to a petition and a protest. afterwards more news emerged about a controversial decision. and though it’s unclear what has led to what, this group is now under probation. which has yet to be defined. see i think that’s enough for now. do your research if you’re curious. it’s all out there for you to find.

but please i ask for your respect. i ask for your open mind. i ask that you not immediately pick a side. i ask that you see me as a human. and you see everyone involved as human too. even the institutions we want to tear down are full of humans, some who really don’t have a clue. and i pray for this tension in my heart to stop. my arms can only stretch so far. before they completely detach from my body, like my mind has begun to from my heart. i can’t remain silent. because silence talks. it’s read as indifference while I scream defenseless. hands covering my mouth, my eyes, i must protect myself. a hardness develops. and a cloudy mist surrounds. death to logic. death to individual thought. do i not deserve these shouts for help. do i deserve to rot. stop telling me im exaggerating. i already know i am. but that’s what emerges when im responding to these festering hurts. burnt bridges. and constant messages. God, where are you. in all the times i’ve said i need you. i have never meant it so deeply nor been so sure. that i need you now. i can’t on my own endure.

~~ posted on 2.28.18

your presence touched me
and so my anxiety fled
im still walking through fire
but no longer with dread
living water protection
poured over my head
this fight isn’t mine
it’s yours instead

©Kira Shymn

when you walk into the room everything changes
darkness starts tremble at the light that you bring
when you walk into the room every heart starts burning
nothing matters more than just to sit here at your feet and worship you

we love you and we’ll never stop
can’t live without you, jesus
we love you and we can’t get enough
all this is for you

when you walk into the room sickness starts to vanish
every hopeless situation ceases to exist
when you walk into the room the dead begin to rise
cause there is resurrection light in all you do