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i do love you
i know i do
i know because it doesn’t make sense
but my lips never stop uttering your name
my heart lusts after things it can’t have
my mind sets up mental dominos like walls to keep you away from me
but my being, my spirit, my soul
long for you
i love you
i am who i am because of you
im sitting here disgusted with what i’ve done
maybe i push you away because i don’t believe i deserve your love
and even if i can’t deny how i love you
i can at least admit that i don’t deserve you
why are you still running after me
why are you still dying for me
why are you still calling me
to fully grasp unconditionality is to let go of perfecting worth
to surrender ego and be valued simply because you love me
simply because you made me in your image
i cannot ever understand how much you love me
in the same way i will always love you
beyond any feeling and the words that carelessly stumble out of my mouth
beyond physical sight and intimacy
take my small grain of sincerity
in this moment that may be all i have to give
but only you can make it multiply fruitfully

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In moments like these
I wish for a choice
I wish I could be free
In moments like these
My head is heavy with delirium
With the struggle to end existence
Dope me up
Send me home
But I can’t because I can’t even get up now
How could I end it
When I can’t do more than write these words
And think these thoughts
Drink these lies and
Sleep away time
I need freedom
But I feel even more
That I will never receive it
That I carry this
Which will haunt me forever

Unwritten on 12/16/18 1:56 am

My heart rockets out of my body
Back. And forth
I pant without anyone else around
I’ve been alone
For all this time
The glare over taking my eyes
You don’t understand
You couldn’t know
This lack of intimacy poisons my soul
I writhe in depression
Cravings hunger for my next obsession
As I crumple completely empty endlessly
Seeking fulfillment in a world
Where it can’t be bought
Has never been sold
I’m alone alone alone again
My own breath my only companion
The grease from my hair
The growing stench in my bed
All these things
As I claim to rest
Lies fester
No one will ever find me beautiful
My life is a small hamster wheel
That turns again and again
I can’t break this cycle
I was made for this small feat
To impress people outside
But to never let anyone in
I have no more time
I have no more energy
To fight these lies
I allow them to consume me
To drown in them in vices I taunt and tease
I got nothing done that I said I would
I can now but I refuse
Will showering and jumping on this train and wearing make up with slightly seductive clothes make me happy
I think not
I think not
Will these people on my phone whom I have to set up to meet
Make me happy?
I think not
Nothing else exists in this world
I will just let this bitterness in
I will just become jade itself
Fragile and cynical
Destroyed from view
I mourn the death of my innocence
I mourn the days of youth

unwritten 6/15 6:39 pm

this sadness string
is broken in me
because every time i try to strum
it rings back empty
im collapsing, my inner conscious crinkles
under the weight of attacking pressure
and an uncontrollable lack of self discipline
what i want is not what i do
what i do is not what i want
who i desire is not here
who i am lies shattered there
i say you are everything
but everything has consumed me
i meta morph eyes under the black light
into a person you wouldn’t recognize
she stabs your back multiple times
she cares not about the boundaries wise
she only stumbles over her own two feet
past her own convictions
lost in between the black and white
never willing to return home
numb from the colorless existence
rotted three days in the belly of defeat

maybe one day. i’ll be old and happy. i’ll have lived a full life. i’ll have nothing more to achieve.
maybe one day. things won’t feel so heavy. it won’t be so hard to wake up. and pretend like im free.
maybe one day. i won’t breakdown so much. i won’t cry or yell or scream or curse.
maybe one day. i’ll be tired but fulfilled. and so then i’ll be satisfied not burdened with guilt.
or maybe one day. all this will end. i will let uglies take the best of me. and i’ll never see you again.

1.10.19
posting all my unwritten drafts #1

lost ~
i feel like you’re the one
you’re supposed to be in my life
i’ve been searching for someone like you
but why can’t he just be you
i tried letting go
that’s why i ignored you each time
but you’re creeping back in
seeping into my mind
so do i let you overtake my fantasies
glimmering with the slightest hope of a distant reality
or do i shut the door
in my face and yours
because you’re the road
i can’t afford
to lose
myself
while pining for
~ you

something’s brewing
changing colors to new
tingling out the green
blossoming into orange, red, yellow hues
im shivering
these goosebump condensation rumps
forming, flying up my arms
im far from dying
im first world surviving
the reality equivalent of thriving
excavated
a fragmented skull bone
of who i are
meaning the tiniest essence of who i can be
keeps encountering me
destroying me mentally
exhausting me intimately
construed to believe i was built for greatness
or didn’t i build myself to this great hit?
yet while in the pits of lions
with everything stripped naked
i realize everything i had was a gift
and that i was built to reflect greatness
and that in the midst of struggle
i can choose to exude
a trusting patience
endless graces
i am left undone

©Kira Shymn