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i can explain so many things so many times in so many ways
but this moment right now
the one stuck in my chest
weighing me down
until i can’t feel myself, like myself
here he comes again
even after everything was shining and presumably happy
even as i know that im better and existentially more stable
more okay with time ticking past me
numbers flipping and re-stacking, 23, 24, 25, quarters of a century are going to haunt me
her pictured face gazing into my unrealized longing for the past to be in front of me
i can’t ever understand why i was born with this plague
forced to bear burdens i didn’t ask for and didn’t make
how long must i scream for you to take this away
how dark does empty reach; how do i describe pain that can’t be measured
sure i am just expecting an unexpected, anticipating what will never happen
sure i am bending when i was remaking what i had promised.
im back to destructive.
back to i don’t give no fucking fucks
back to i don’t care who reads this or if you like me or if you care
because no one will understand or care
back to these basic as a starbucks patagonia bougie fiend
don’t make me keep doing things i can’t do anymore
this isn’t because my job or my living situation or anything like that because those things are actually fine. proven and tested for the last few weeks
it’s the fact that i applied to that thing and now i know im going to be rejected and my energy was high and now it’s low and i can’t control how far that swings me.
and those are my explanations.
but who cares about the explanations when im stuck in this bed and im paralyzed.

this sadness string
is broken in me
because every time i try to strum
it rings back empty
im collapsing, my inner conscious crinkles
under the weight of attacking pressure
and an uncontrollable lack of self discipline
what i want is not what i do
what i do is not what i want
who i desire is not here
who i am lies shattered there
i say you are everything
but everything has consumed me
i meta morph eyes under the black light
into a person you wouldn’t recognize
she stabs your back multiple times
she cares not about the boundaries wise
she only stumbles over her own two feet
past her own convictions
lost in between the black and white
never willing to return home
numb from the colorless existence
rotted three days in the belly of defeat

maybe one day. i’ll be old and happy. i’ll have lived a full life. i’ll have nothing more to achieve.
maybe one day. things won’t feel so heavy. it won’t be so hard to wake up. and pretend like im free.
maybe one day. i won’t breakdown so much. i won’t cry or yell or scream or curse.
maybe one day. i’ll be tired but fulfilled. and so then i’ll be satisfied not burdened with guilt.
or maybe one day. all this will end. i will let uglies take the best of me. and i’ll never see you again.

1.10.19
posting all my unwritten drafts #1

A LOT has been happening people. to start. I am terribly sick. it’s the kind of sickness where i feel functional. i feel like i can do things. i feel like i can go to work and sit at my cube. and then i get there and the sky starts falling down. my brain shuts off. headaches start piercing through my eyes and into the back of my skull. and i just can’t move. let alone think or breathe or turn in work to get approved. or take care of anything.

this being sick has made me stop and think. and realize that i’m losing it. i’m losing everything. i don’t remember who i am or what i wanted to do or who i wanted to do it with.

i started a dating app. and by “a” i mean two. and by two i mean. i’m on two dating apps but i’m contemplating downloading a third. and by on i mean i can’t stop looking at it and replying to messages. all while feeling completely in a dream. because none of those conversations feel real. and my self-esteem just wobbles in between wow i have an amazing profile why wouldn’t all these guys like me to wow the guys that like me are weird and what does that say about me to wow even if these guys love me it’s based on a shallow profile. i want to throw my phone across the room and just be a married grandma already with grand kids and crocheting to do and church functions to attend.

and that’s the other thing. i have no Christian friends. i don’t remember what it’s like to be around Christians in person anymore. and i don’t know if i would like it if i went back. and i feel like running. i want to run from everything and everyone. i want to disappear all the time. every day.

i feel so lost. and it’s so dramatic. it’s ridiculous how i’m feeling. because my feelings are telling me to freak out and to cry and to roll around on the ground and sob until i can’t my eyes get all puffy and impossible to open. my feelings are telling me that i’m never going to be good at my job and that i don’t even like the work that i’m doing at my job and that i am all alone. completely alone. and that there’s no point. in all of this.

while my brain is saying. i’m here because i’m learning how to be faithful. i’m learning how to be consistent. i’m learning that it’s difficult to wake up every day and commit to something especially when you aren’t good at it right away. but that’s what character is built from. that’s where grit is made. and i need more grit. my brain tells me that friends take time to make. and that i have so much to be thankful for. my brain tells me that this sickness is a time to rest and get better and not push my body but let it heal.

when i do pray and ask God to speak to me. he declares that he has plans for me. he declares that those plans are not meant to harm me but are filled with hope. he declares that he wants me to commit to him every day like Daniel did. even when Daniel’s company turned against him. even when Daniel was all alone, he remained faithful to God. and in return, God never broke his promises. God has been reminding me that I am being prepared for my lions den. for the place where he’s going to show me his POWER to shut the mouth of lions. his PEACE in the pit of betrayal, loneliness, and weeping and gnashing of teeth. and his PRESENCE.

SO with all of this. i am in the midst of a daily fight. one that if i don’t listen to my brain and attempt to listen to God. I get overwhelmed by my emotions. by the weight of sickness and my circumstances. it’s a poison that tastes bitter but changes my palette so that I only crave more poison. until im brainless and dying.

it’s hard to keep fighting though. it’s especially hard when i feel no community around me. i can think all the right things but nothing encourages you to do it like people standing tall next to you. i honestly feel that this is one of the hardest times in my life. this transition has been far from easy. there is so much that i need to learn. and so much that i was not prepared for.

it’s occurring to me now that i am being massively humbled. and that i need Jesus. i just need him. so desperately. and i only hope he’ll continue to take me back. and continue to be my rock.

if you don’t know it’s purpose
does that mean it shouldn’t exist
if you didn’t understand
then shouldn’t words have left your mouth
shouldn’t i have heard what you were confused about
if you aren’t here to support
then why did you come at all
but if you know the meaning of support
is it support to watch me fall
if you don’t want to be here
don’t
point your fingers at me
blame is all in the name
of this one man game
you done played
if you’re asking me to stay
i’m telling you i already left
you just never knew
you never wanted to know
your words want me
but your heart said no

©Kira Shymn

there is ugliness pouring out of me. i want to say every curse word i know. i want to put all kinds of junk in my body. until i can’t feel hunger. or sadness. or pain.

i want emotional novacaine. the strong shit that loops out my brain. because in reality i can’t face life. i can’t understand myself. with all the blessings i get. i’ve spoiled my potential. im upset with the loss that each day takes away. a little bit more of who i thought i was. and returns a warped version of who i can be. all twisted by who i should be. i’ve out measured myself. in comparison to the giants. that are comparing themselves to giants. that aren’t comparing themselves to any standard but simply becoming the standard. by being themselves. growing giants. so far from my shrinking identity.

there is a life worth living. i’m just not sure about mine. i’m not sure about every grain of thought that runs through my mind and collects itself like plaque until it reeks of infection. wounds dripping blood because the scabs ripped off them. i’m not sure who my real friend is. i’m upset that i have to listen to all of your confessions. and that the people surrounding me are just as messed up and regressing.

i hate this place i’m in. it’s like a pit where the only way out is money even though money demands your joy and years of your life. yet we trade away joy for something that takes away life. because that seems to be the only way out of this shit hole. people revere it. even if you believe in God you need it. we steal it. rules melt, fearless.

i’m sorry mom that i’m not who you want me to be. i’m sorry that i can’t be free from these uglies. i’m sorry that i hurt you and disappoint you. i don’t want to be this way, but i guess the fact that i am suggests otherwise. i have no words to encourage myself. and i don’t want to hear yours either. so i’m in a never ending cycle, with the only guarantee of my impending doom. please please someone breakthrough. but for now, i’ll be here. not listening to anything but the ghost of my numbed out body cells decaying.

 

 

 

oh sadness sadness dear
hello again old friend
come draw the curtains
come lay with me in bed
on my chest heavy ladened
my burdens litter the floor
i can’t talk can’t dream can’t get up anymore
fixate on fixating
this question berating
your last smokes takes hits from that same drug defeat
“where are you going?”
where am I going?
the world’s moving while I’m stuck
staring at these two feet
not the son that rises
not the person carrying me
surely not securely
bend broken bent
my will to progress forward coward lies regressed enfolds depressed in folds repressed in fetal position possessed and fools repeat
i’m lost sadness
leave me please
but you overstay again until I’m crushed again and my motivations remain chained deceased

where are you going
©Kira Shymn

~~posted on 3.7.18
~~written on 3.5.18