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from the past

“it’s just funny
that the reason i’m in this place is because of the things i won’t do
and i won’t do those things because of the place that i’m in.” — K. Shymn

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
my brain won’t turn off
i just don’t want to sleep
so i get up and sit on the window sill
and i look down at the street
and i think about how in a 1 second decision
i could be sleeping forever
and the only thing that stops me is
my fear of people
people finding me
people judging me
people feeling bad for my family
so i don’t go
because of people

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
i need to move
i need to run away
because the mind runs stupid
so i get up and put my hood on
i walk out
in the 3 am glow of street lamps I walk to the bridge
and i lay on the edge
and i think about floating away
and the only thing that stops me is
that i’m tired now and i have to get up at 8 tomorrow
and that other meeting at 2
so i don’t go
because of tomorrow

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
i just want to talk to someone
so i scroll through all my contacts
and imagine what i would say
and the only thing that stops me is
that i wouldn’t even really know what to say
or how it would help
so i don’t call
because of me

it’s just funny
that the reason i’m in this place is because of the things i won’t do
and i won’t do those things because of the place that i’m in.

so here i am
standing in a never ending storm
the kind of storm that leaves you outside until you are too far to go home
that’s when the pouring comes and the soaking happens
when the wind tears you apart
and you don’t even have a stupid umbrella prepared
that’s where i’m standing
but i’m not going to be standing much longer
i think soon i’ll be drowning
in the aftermath of this storm.
©Kira Shymn

~~ posted on 3.6.18

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Most times I don’t understand
Most times I echo lies
Most times I’m crippled, stuck in my head, completely paralyzed
But then you paint these sights around me
And I am in awe of your light
As something stirs, whispers that I just might be worth it because you graced me with your life
Pierce my heart deeper still
Piece me back together
Wash me in this river, fill me without measure
Daily I choose to leave the past behind
Daily I fight against this pain that numbs and chains me stupefied
Day to day leads to today
But here hopelessness will end
Because today I will fight to feel your love
Not because it doesn’t exist but because without it I won’t know how to live.

river

©Kira Shymn

~~ picture also taken and edited by me (for the first time)

i found this note today on an old iPhone, written on 4/13/15:

“Waking up today and walking around feels incredible. It’s like I woke up from a week long sleep. It’s like I’m walking around now and I can feel the person in me alive but walking around with some battle scars like my face had some baggage and my stomach has scars but at least now i’m alive. and I want to fight and i have a reason to fight.

Idk. it’s incredible the night and day difference i feel. what is it. what happened. how did this happen. I was stuck for a whole week. And now I’m completely fine??

For a whole week all I thought about was suicide. Every time I crossed the street I was hoping some car would come by and knock me out of my misery. And in this moment now I’m crossing the same street and …. look at the sun! Look at life! Is it because it’s warmer outside??? Idk but this is incredible.

I’m going to annenberg. I’m awake. I showered!!! Crazy. Crazy!!! I feel like I can do this and that I want to do this and that I just feel. I am not stuck in the swirly swamp of fear and I’m just glad I didn’t do anything I would really regret. Like really physically harm myself.

Oh man. Praise Jesus. Praise His name. Because I know He pulled me out of that pit. This is incredible. I just … I’m in awe. Because I know how bad it was. Only I know how bad it was. And words later aren’t going to be able to fully express how bad it was. But it’s as if all of that was wiped away. All the emotions that kept me down and hidden in my bed are gone. And I’m here. I’m here!!!

It’s so nice out today. wow.”

©Kira Shymn

 

I know you know
but I’m gonna pretend I didn’t go
behind your back
and to the store
and called that girl
and wanted more
and sat there on the window sill
and lit the paper
and made it still
pretended that I was asleep
when you called my name
what would I gain
to face your face
in obvious guilt and utter shame
but you left the window open
wide open
so open that the wind poured out and froze between
and that’s how I knew you knew and would
never understand who I am and why I struggle with feeling clean
forget me, separate the opposing themes
we’ll never be the same again
but I’ll fake it till you scream

not your toy
not yours at all
burn in my anger
skin scraped off
deserve is not a word
remotely close to you
desire is blinding
it’s all you consume
return to this world
where consequence is due
return my worth
worth three times of you

there is a war in my heart
I could release anger and pain
I should make you suffer for all the hurt you gave
nothing can you hold against me
I have not a care in the world
I will stand alone here in the rain
a stubborn, stupid girl
for as long as it takes until death comes
daring you to give up on me because
isn’t that the best for the both of us anyways
who is the real winner here
I want it to be you
you don’t know how to help me
you have no options left
ha, you fool
you thought I had potential
you thought I was worth your time
you were wrong
leave me here to die
your pride ends here, along with mine
long before lost in the mud
anger consumes me, soaked to the bone
this war never won as I perish alone

scared of being lonely
terrified of fear
lost without a reason
as to why I keep coming here
into the pit of depression
where I can’t erase my flaws
all these accomplishments, just pretty packaging
covering empty life without purpose or cause
people warn me about toxic friends, addictive behaviors
beware of them, monsters lurking outside
but they don’t understand, they’ll just never get
that the only monster I’m terrified
of is the one right here
on the inside