survivor blues

i can explain so many things so many times in so many ways
but this moment right now
the one stuck in my chest
weighing me down
until i can’t feel myself, like myself
here he comes again
even after everything was shining and presumably happy
even as i know that im better and existentially more stable
more okay with time ticking past me
numbers flipping and re-stacking, 23, 24, 25, quarters of a century are going to haunt me
her pictured face gazing into my unrealized longing for the past to be in front of me
i can’t ever understand why i was born with this plague
forced to bear burdens i didn’t ask for and didn’t make
how long must i scream for you to take this away
how dark does empty reach; how do i describe pain that can’t be measured
sure i am just expecting an unexpected, anticipating what will never happen
sure i am bending when i was remaking what i had promised.
im back to destructive.
back to i don’t give no fucking fucks
back to i don’t care who reads this or if you like me or if you care
because no one will understand or care
back to these basic as a starbucks patagonia bougie fiend
don’t make me keep doing things i can’t do anymore
this isn’t because my job or my living situation or anything like that because those things are actually fine. proven and tested for the last few weeks
it’s the fact that i applied to that thing and now i know im going to be rejected and my energy was high and now it’s low and i can’t control how far that swings me.
and those are my explanations.
but who cares about the explanations when im stuck in this bed and im paralyzed.

sadness string

this sadness string
is broken in me
because every time i try to strum
it rings back empty
im collapsing, my inner conscious crinkles
under the weight of attacking pressure
and an uncontrollable lack of self discipline
what i want is not what i do
what i do is not what i want
who i desire is not here
who i am lies shattered there
i say you are everything
but everything has consumed me
i meta morph eyes under the black light
into a person you wouldn’t recognize
she stabs your back multiple times
she cares not about the boundaries wise
she only stumbles over her own two feet
past her own convictions
lost in between the black and white
never willing to return home
numb from the colorless existence
rotted three days in the belly of defeat

lost you

lost ~
i feel like you’re the one
you’re supposed to be in my life
i’ve been searching for someone like you
but why can’t he just be you
i tried letting go
that’s why i ignored you each time
but you’re creeping back in
seeping into my mind
so do i let you overtake my fantasies
glimmering with the slightest hope of a distant reality
or do i shut the door
in my face and yours
because you’re the road
i can’t afford
to lose
myself
while pining for
~ you

getting better

something’s brewing
changing colors to new
tingling out the green
blossoming into orange, red, yellow hues
im shivering
these goosebump condensation rumps
forming, flying up my arms
im far from dying
im first world surviving
the reality equivalent of thriving
excavated
a fragmented skull bone
of who i are
meaning the tiniest essence of who i can be
keeps encountering me
destroying me mentally
exhausting me intimately
construed to believe i was built for greatness
or didn’t i build myself to this great hit?
yet while in the pits of lions
with everything stripped naked
i realize everything i had was a gift
and that i was built to reflect greatness
and that in the midst of struggle
i can choose to exude
a trusting patience
endless graces
i am left undone

©Kira Shymn

im afraid i might love you

im afraid i might love you
or maybe not
maybe im afraid that you love me
or that you never did
or that you chose not to
so let me choose for both of us
let me say no first
before your rejection crushes
something i didn’t know i wanted
all i know is
when everyone’s in the room
i want to sit next to you and
feel the light touch of your warmth against my arm
all i know is
you make me laugh constantly
you say things i never thought of before
im never not smiling
when im with you
all i know is
we speak the same language
and when i talk
your eyes are listening
searching for what im really saying
responding with your heart
all i know is
right now we are apart
and besides that
im not sure what we are
so all i really know
during those pauses in our face time is
im scared to ask
can you take me there baby
when maybe our best is right where we are

©Kira Shymn

if you’re asking me to stay

if you don’t know it’s purpose

does that mean it shouldn’t exist

if you didn’t understand

then shouldn’t words have left your mouth

shouldn’t i have heard what you were confused about

if you aren’t here to support

then why did you come at all

but if you know the meaning of support

is it support to watch me fall

if you don’t want to be here

don’t

point your fingers at me

blame is all in the name

of this one man game
you done played

if you’re asking me to stay

i’m telling you i already left

you just never knew

you never wanted to know
your words want me
but your heart said no​

©Kira Shymn

today’s turn

cause today today
it’s all about today
it’s all about right now
not those stale promises
from a time of equal sincerity
without executed obedience
i’m thankful today
for how far you’ve brought me
and the people around me
and the gifts i’ve received
even those unboxed and thrown away
i’ve erased the line graph predicting my trajectory
i’m done looking for progress in process of perfecting me
i’m excited to take one step by step
in forward truth stretching patience beyond virtue
filled with strength beyond youth
my lungs expanding as poured drink offerings run through
this vessel so empty
alive, a live, a living sacrifice
i shall transform into
and in so doing regain my love
my precious child like wonder and everlasting fruit

©Kira Shymn

one way

​every mundane remains the same
as time evades my attempts to change
the road only points one way
simply, simplicity I’ve seen you in my dreams
but not without paying dues to an icy queen
she easily entangles while forgetting her reflection
friend in need or ego boasts distraction
last night I screamed in a courtyard
I asked for these days to end
last night you met me again
awoke on another road to Damascus
almighty mercy, you are mindful of me
as Faith to the Full breaks folds of the blind
as it takes more to fully live than just seeing life
FaithFul one, through and through YOU remain the same
even as the fickle foolish ooze trickles off the log lodged in both mine eyes
the road only points one way

©Kira Shymn

don’t leave

don’t leave me
don’t leave me
my insides pulling apart
my disgust of you pushed aside
because in this moment i’d rather be with you
than alone
which i don’t voice
instead my voice
pines for you to stay
as if my tone could stretch out and caress your ear
and whisper dear sweet tingly air
that enlarges into boulders buckling one knee down
until you’re trapped by this sound
of an option besides lonely
of heat from breath
of a small glimpse that maybe this we exists
when will we both realize
the silence of loneliness
is sultry symphony
while the creaking of our lungs
enclosed in the same four walls
is that high pitched screech
of my soul dying
as i continue to slice it up
and serve it to you
now there’s none left for me
and the one who i keep waiting for
to complete this we
and when you eventually do leave
you’re taking that part of me with you
so
don’t leave me
don’t leave me
you’re leaving with parts of me
that i’ll never get back
that’ll never grow back
how much of me is left
when you leave

image by burcumbaygut
©Kira Shymn

dear depression

oh sadness sadness dear
hello again old friend
come draw the curtains
come lay with me in bed
on my chest heavy ladened
my burdens litter the floor
i can’t talk can’t dream can’t get up anymore
fixate on fixating
this question berating
your last smokes takes hits from that same drug defeat
“where are you going?”
where am I going?
the world’s moving while I’m stuck
staring at these two feet
not the son that rises
not the person carrying me
surely not securely
bend broken bent
my will to progress forward coward lies regressed enfolds depressed in folds repressed in fetal position possessed and fools repeat
i’m lost sadness
leave me please
but you overstay again until I’m crushed again and my motivations remain chained deceased

©Kira Shymn

~~posted on 3.7.18
~~written on 3.5.18