i pushed it off
as far as it goes
so now i face the edge
boundaries overthrown
the crumbling
i feel it underneath
the boiling
of my anxiety
i feel it, all consuming
eating at my brain and tendons
paralyzing all thought, numbing motivational presence
for the past two weeks
whenever i gathered myself to fight
all i am withers
weakness, tortured and contrite
all i can see are the things i can’t do
i’m afraid of the truth
that i don’t have enough time left
that i’m going to lose
and that i put myself here
because i am an undisciplined fool
so help me God
i’m nothing without You
i am going to fail
i’m completely screwed
but if i have to go through this fire
and fall off this cliff
catch me
ignite me
re-birth me into something more
someone worth more
someone who follows through

I know you know
but I’m gonna pretend I didn’t go
behind your back
and to the store
and called that girl
and wanted more
and sat there on the window sill
and lit the paper
and made it still
pretended that I was asleep
when you called my name
what would I gain
to face your face
in obvious guilt and utter shame
but you left the window open
wide open
so open that the wind poured out and froze between
and that’s how I knew you knew and would
never understand who I am and why I struggle with feeling clean
forget me, separate the opposing themes
we’ll never be the same again
but I’ll fake it till you scream

push together all the hours
days combine and inefficiently lost
taking back what’s rightfully ours
before clarifying whose it originally was
giving up while free falling mid-air
threatening safety, tears on stairs
faltering support from milling dean
emails on emails on emails are mean
with only males emitting wails, supreme
stealing spotlight with veiled intent
victimize without consent
when you hear that do you think of sex?
well you’re wrong, what a twisted defense
this whole situation is ridiculously unreal
especially that part when you sued me for libel

~ an accurate exaggeration of the last few weeks of my life
PS. I just discovered how my contact page works, so please use it!!! Message me your thoughts.

speaking to me
you are and
loving on me
you are and it’s
occurring to me
that these past sufferings
are helping me connect unlike before
you are overwhelming me
and it’s a bizarrely wondrous feeling
you are building back in me
a fighting fire, pursuing purpose
you are hearing me
not for the first time
here this whole time
and it’s me
you set free
again and again
I’ll fall, I’m blind, I constantly
come back to hopelessness
meaningless seasons of empty distress, but
you are
waking me alive
unbeknownst to me, you are not surprised
by my hostility or repeated doubts
life breathed in, hope pours out
release of judgement on myself
you are the I AM and
I am not all I thought I was but
depending on you
I am
yearning for you
I am
in desperate need of you and all
you are
immeasurably more
always

i haven’t written here in a while because i have been doing well. and i guess i only feel the need to write when i’m not doing well.
well here i am. not doing well.

i’m confused about what my value is. i’m confused about how i’m supposed to measure myself. because sometimes i say i’m doing well because i’m feeling great. and other times i’m not feeling great but i know i should be doing well. not because people should always say that they are doing well. but because circumstantially and objectively i am doing well. just not feeling well. so i’m not doing well?

i keep feeling like i want to date. and then i keep realizing that there’s no one around me whom i would want to date. and then sometimes it’s really that maybe i think people don’t deserve me. and then actually it’s that i don’t deserve anyone. because who could really want me. so then i just say that i’m not ready to date because i don’t even know me.

am i a B+? is that just what i am. why am i fighting so hard to not be that. to prove that i am greater. maybe i should just be thankful that i’m not a B- you know.

in reflection upon my silly life i feel too much and i do too little.

i really hate school. sometimes that blurs between really hating this school and just hating the concept of school. and hating going to class and trying to pick classes that i can just fuck around and not do anything and still get an A. but then ultimately fucking around too much so that i am on the brink of getting a B in a class i suffer through to get an A. and all the while i rot because no i don’t want to learn about these things that i will never use. and i see those people furiously psetting and studying things that they enjoy and i just don’t get it at all. because i enjoy nothing that i’m learning. mostly because i’m not learning at all.

but my main problem right now is that at the end of it all. i am not sure what i’m good at, i’m not sure what i want to do, i’m not sure how people view me, and whether that should even matter or influence the way i am. i am not sure what i am currently doing, i am not sure of my use. coupled with. i feel gross and unhealthy. a combination of bad hygienic choices and eating habits. i hear a list of things i should do that bang against the things i’d rather do. i hear pettiness and childishness that exit me constantly. and i just leave myself to drown in it.

it’s like i’m trying to make my life as bad as i can, so that i actually have something legitimate to be upset about. how stupid is that.

 

 

for the last 6 months you thought you knew me
but last night i said too much
and now you realize you only knew my painting
i can’t be organized on your shelf
labeled, categorized, typed
did i scare you enough?
because that girl you knew, she’s still here too
it’s just that the person i am is designed to confuse
self-destruct
the flawless execution of this better life
back to broken
messed up defense
i won’t be offended when you run
because you bought into my facade
dismantled and destroyed
this is me
this life is mine
why are you still here
don’t like me
i’m not worth your time

every second
overwhelmed
need to work
need to eat
want to play
want to drink
can’t believe
here again
this place, time stops
the moment’s dead
the moment when should became wish
and regret birthed panic
and panic grew to this
overwhelming suffocation, a deafening fixation
on how little time is left
on what cannot be finished
on the unencumbered silence of death
overwhelm until it breaks
the calm that thinks it can
overwhelm until it hurts
you’re a sad excuse little man
overwhelmed and unsure of what to write or say
to describe the debilitating stress that wrestles minds away
from hearts and rips apart all cause
that leaves behind reason, hope, love
that numbs senses, battle scars scraped freshly raw
overwhelmed, over whelmed, over is whelmingly
hallucinating desperate dreams of drowning out at sea
where no one knows just how deep
disgusting and lonely
no one knows the weight inside that drags defiantly
indefinitely sinking into the unforgiving folds of fat
that mirror sees and taunts torturing
for better or worse, forever cursed
never released, marked deceased
overwhelming dread with the victory again
from every facet, in every aspect
don’t know how to beat this
every second, overwhelmed