lost ~
i feel like you’re the one
you’re supposed to be in my life
i’ve been searching for someone like you
but why can’t he just be you
i tried letting go
that’s why i ignored you each time
but you’re creeping back in
seeping into my mind
so do i let you overtake my fantasies
glimmering with the slightest hope of a distant reality
or do i shut the door
in my face and yours
because you’re the road
i can’t afford
to lose
myself
while pining for
~ you

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something’s brewing
changing colors to new
tingling out the green
blossoming into orange, red, yellow hues
im shivering
these goosebump condensation rumps
forming, flying up my arms
im far from dying
im first world surviving
the reality equivalent of thriving
excavated
a fragmented skull bone
of who i are
meaning the tiniest essence of who i can be
keeps encountering me
destroying me mentally
exhausting me intimately
construed to believe i was built for greatness
or didn’t i build myself to this great hit?
yet while in the pits of lions
with everything stripped naked
i realize everything i had was a gift
and that i was built to reflect greatness
and that in the midst of struggle
i can choose to exude
a trusting patience
endless graces
i am left undone

©Kira Shymn

a new series ~ of writings i start but never finish. those that are left unwritten.

im floating away
to nowhere
unseen
im lost inside
these worldly memories
defined by previous
inconsistencies
carved immovable
my past lies
lifeless
irredeemable
half complete

if you don’t know it’s purpose
does that mean it shouldn’t exist
if you didn’t understand
then shouldn’t words have left your mouth
shouldn’t i have heard what you were confused about
if you aren’t here to support
then why did you come at all
but if you know the meaning of support
is it support to watch me fall
if you don’t want to be here
don’t
point your fingers at me
blame is all in the name
of this one man game
you done played
if you’re asking me to stay
i’m telling you i already left
you just never knew
you never wanted to know
your words want me
but your heart said no

©Kira Shymn

cause today today
it’s all about today
it’s all about right now
not those stale promises
from a time of equal sincerity
without executed obedience
i’m thankful today
for how far you’ve brought me
and the people around me
and the gifts i’ve received
even those unboxed and thrown away
i’ve erased the line graph predicting my trajectory
i’m done looking for progress in process of perfecting me
i’m excited to take one step by step
in forward truth stretching patience beyond virtue
filled with strength beyond youth
my lungs expanding as poured drink offerings run through
this vessel so empty
alive, a live, a living sacrifice
i shall transform into
and in so doing regain my love
my precious child like wonder and everlasting fruit

©Kira Shymn

don’t leave me
don’t leave me
my insides pulling apart
my disgust of you pushed aside
because in this moment i’d rather be with you
than alone
which i don’t voice
instead my voice
pines for you to stay
as if my tone could stretch out and caress your ear
and whisper dear sweet tingly air
that enlarges into boulders buckling one knee down
until you’re trapped by this sound
of an option besides lonely
of heat from breath
of a small glimpse that maybe this we exists
when will we both realize
the silence of loneliness
is sultry symphony
while the creaking of our lungs
enclosed in the same four walls
is that high pitched screech
of my soul dying
as i continue to slice it up
and serve it to you
now there’s none left for me
and the one who i keep waiting for
to complete this we
and when you eventually do leave
you’re taking that part of me with you
so
don’t leave me
don’t leave me
you’re leaving with parts of me
that i’ll never get back
that’ll never grow back
how much of me is left
when you leave

image by burcumbaygut
©Kira Shymn

oh sadness sadness dear
hello again old friend
come draw the curtains
come lay with me in bed
on my chest heavy ladened
my burdens litter the floor
i can’t talk can’t dream can’t get up anymore
fixate on fixating
this question berating
your last smokes takes hits from that same drug defeat
“where are you going?”
where am I going?
the world’s moving while I’m stuck
staring at these two feet
not the son that rises
not the person carrying me
surely not securely
bend broken bent
my will to progress forward coward lies regressed enfolds depressed in folds repressed in fetal position possessed and fools repeat
i’m lost sadness
leave me please
but you overstay again until I’m crushed again and my motivations remain chained deceased

where are you going
©Kira Shymn

~~posted on 3.7.18
~~written on 3.5.18

Most times I don’t understand
Most times I echo lies
Most times I’m crippled, stuck in my head, completely paralyzed
But then you paint these sights around me
And I am in awe of your light
As something stirs, whispers that I just might be worth it because you graced me with your life
Pierce my heart deeper still
Piece me back together
Wash me in this river, fill me without measure
Daily I choose to leave the past behind
Daily I fight against this pain that numbs and chains me stupefied
Day to day leads to today
But here hopelessness will end
Because today I will fight to feel your love
Not because it doesn’t exist but because without it I won’t know how to live.

river

©Kira Shymn

~~ picture also taken and edited by me (for the first time)

i love you
but i can wait
just another day
maybe in another time
when you and i
are more than fantastical
fanciful flight
a dream
i’ve finally let go
because i’m becoming alive
on my own
i’ll see you again
when our paths align
just another day
maybe in another time

©Kira Shymn

~posted on 1.13.2018

why won’t you respond
why are you here
inside my brain
making me question if i’m worth the wait
why did you come
at four AM that night
just because you should
then why didn’t you fight
for me when i asked you
those questions hanging in the air
why didn’t you answer
why don’t you care
so then why did you stay
offering your help like it’s free
as if we are friends, as if you want me
maybe im the screw up who’s ruining you
but you’re no saint either
and i refuse to lose.

when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i see privilege
i see potential
i see sacrifice, love, and promise of eternity
but when i open my eyes
i can’t awaken who i want to be
i can only feel the limitations of everything within me
i am dirty
i am unfit
the thought of lifting up my foot to take another step is daunting
because the future is so foggy
for all i know i’m stepping into nothing
off a cliff and free falling
except what’s worse: moving or staying behind
ask me once, ask me twice, everything is really, actually fine
cause if i stay the fog becomes smoke and the smoke clogs brains
suffocating from a given gift of emotional understanding
why can i see others so much clearer than i can see myself?
why does this mirror talk so ugly?
stop.
my bony frame groans in the ditch beside the road
eating dust, my mouth caked thirsty, hungry
and i guess it’s all my fault, i put myself here
stop.
you’re bent over, you’re holding me
stop.
you’re weeping, you’re healing me
stop.
you’re tears land and fall from mine
you share your heart and place it inside
and i’m a child
with no more power left to stop
amazing love, how can it be
when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i’m only beautiful because of who you are
and what you’ve done
and this distance that i’ve come
is the battle you have won
thank you.
i don’t step forward in blind belief
i fall freely into an unknown
with the only one who awakens my peace.

speaking to me
you are and
loving on me
you are and it’s
occurring to me
that these past sufferings
are helping me connect unlike before
you are overwhelming me
and it’s a bizarrely wondrous feeling
you are building back in me
a fighting fire, pursuing purpose
you are hearing me
not for the first time
here this whole time
and it’s me
you set free
again and again
I’ll fall, I’m blind, I constantly
come back to hopelessness
meaningless seasons of empty distress, but
you are
waking me alive
unbeknownst to me, you are not surprised
by my hostility or repeated doubts
life breathed in, hope pours out
release of judgement on myself
you are the I AM and
I am not all I thought I was but
depending on you
I am
yearning for you
I am
in desperate need of you and all
you are
immeasurably more
always

fuck this shit
fuck it all
my insides are screaming and searching
i want to be crying
i want to be exclaiming
but my face is frozen
my eyes are dead
i can’t explain to you how everything is trapped in me
i will be extreme

my grandma is dying. my dad is suffering. he is fine but he’s also not fine. my mom is hurting. she’s working. she’s doing it all. she’s unheard. my brother is silent. my brother is carrying annoyance and unknown. my other brother is trying to figure out how to be who he wishes to be.

and me. i am stuck in this state. in this job. with no prospects.

i am amazed at my ability to say that i’m fine. because i am fine. because i can laugh and i can care for other people. but i spend so much of my time so fucking alone. i was walking down the grocery store aisle late at night today. and i was trying to decide which healthy microwavable bowl i should purchase for a whopping $5. and i realized that only really sad people buy these. only people who live by themselves and don’t cook and still want to be “healthy” and i really almost started crying in that aisle with no one else in the whole freaking store. because i in this gut wrenching instance never realized so intensely how alone i was. how i spend so much of my time. of these last six months alone. and how these thoughts are just echoing inside of my soul.

and yet. i meant it when i said that jesus is satisfying me. maybe you don’t believe me. maybe you think i can’t mean it when i curse and when i say i’m lonely. because if jesus was satisfying me then i wouldn’t say such things.

but i mean it when i say that jesus is satisfying me. that i am growing in my relationship with jesus. and it hurts. it hurts to be so alone. it’s incredible to discover that loneliness can exist while still loving jesus so much. while still understanding with my whole body and mind and soul that he loves me and that he saved me and that i have victory in him.

and still i am lonely. still i wish for more. still i feel. i see all the brokenness. i am not afraid to admit it. i boldly proclaim that there is so much wrong here.

there are huge things going on in my life. and yet those don’t seem to bother me. it’s the petty stuff. it’s the not being invited to her wedding stuff. it’s the does he like me or does he not stuff. it’s the stuff that’s laughable when juxtaposed against the fact that this might be the last 30 days that i have with my grandma on this earth. that her presence. her breath will soon be gone. that i won’t be able to ask her anything anymore. and that instantly triggers guilt for not asking her everything i could have asked her before.

and yet. i’m tormented daily in this sunless cubicle. i deal with jewelry and selling more and making more money for someone else. i deal with problems that mean nothing to me. i deal with listening to my housemate talk about things that don’t sink in. i deal with texting these boys that i have never met that i swiped yes on an app and that i wish i could drop without ghosting.

i deal with trying to keep up with my real friends. and not finding the desire to have to. because it’s always me. listening. always me. making them laugh. i get so much out of helping them. and yet i can simultaneously be selfishly upset that they don’t help me. that they can’t and will never be able to understand me the way that i can understand them. and those few few people who can. i feel bad for taking up their time and i wish that i could give to them the way they give to me.

Jesus, jesus. you know me. you know how much i love you. i trust you. and i want to trust you more. i have never been less suicidal since i started this journey. something about all of this is steering me away from thinking about death. or at least my own death. but at the same time. i don’t have the capacity to hold everyone. you do. you do. take this from me. i wish you would take away all the pain. but i know you are king. you are making this beautiful even as it is broken. i ask for my daily bread. i ask for strength to do one more day. you are answering all my prayers even in the midst of this. i know a boy won’t satisfy me. i know there is a depth of loneliness that only you can fulfill. and possibly an even deeper aspect of loneliness that will only be filled in heaven. i await eagerly and desperately to see your face. to worship you endlessly. in home. in all that you are preparing for me.

please speak to me. i only want to hear your voice. and when i hear it help me to obey. are you pleased with me? are you pleased with me? when you see me what do you see?

before me lies
two choices
each time
to live or die
to breathe some more
or find a way to stop
each time
i enter this hallway
with doors on either side
whether i pick the door on the left
or the door on the right
life passes me by
each time
until again
death’s corridor asks
to select a ride
yet with each door i choose
on the other end i always arrive
again and again
again i try
and yet
each time
here i stand
confronted by
a whispering truth
that before me are lies
i have just one choice
each and every time
to choose Him who lives
He who hung crucified
who conquered death’s aim
so that i never walk these halls alone
i simply walk through His door
life, truth, way

a boy likes me. time to freak out. it’s for real this time. at least i’m pretty sure. but i guess you can never be sure until it falls out of his lips. does the fact that he likes me mean that i like him. are you allowed to not know. it’s funny cause i have always been the one to crush on someone else. and wait and hope that he feels the same. but now im on the receiving end. and i just don’t know!

do i enjoy hanging out with him? yes i do. but not when i’m trying to analyze if i enjoy hanging out with him!

i’m also really tired. so not going to be able to type out all the details. but for tomorrow.

you’re asking me out
but you won’t call it a date
so i won’t call it a date
at least not to your face
but believe me my circle knows
and they’re all watching you
and if im being honest
im making myself confused since
i just don’t think i’ll end up with you
but how can i be so short sighted
decided, judgemental, so rude
why do you think im letting you slide in these dms
and pretending like this is just what friends do
cause im four “dates” ahead of your sly frog-in-a-pot moves
and im already imagining you confessing your love
and im already dreading what i’ll have to say then
so im kinda of hoping you’ll help me out
change my mind
change my image of men
specifically the man i thought was meant to be
or accept that i am not who you thought i would be
not the one, not your one, no i am not she

i’m just going to start typing. start writing. without regard to this monitoring work computer that has become my life. don’t even remember how to use macs anymore. give me that pc life.

every day has been strung together so that i could be convinced ive just been experiencing one long day. today, i sit here frustrated at all the little tasks and all the little steps and all the interactions that are involved in all those parts. and for what. for something im not sure i care to fight for. something im not sure why it needs to happen in the first place. he asks for passion. i have just barely enough motivation to scrape by what you need. to give you the facade of a dream. to scribble words on these postit notes and numbers in the cell that formulate the donuts that i don’t care to eat.

it’s 6:41 and the office is empty. and im sitting here with enough work i could stay here until the fluorescent lights sleep for the night and flicker back on. it’s not that i hate it. it’s that i don’t love it. it’s that some moments are fun. care-free. like this is a team or a rag-tag family. but some days, like today, are hard to swallow. in fact it’s hard to think at all. my brain is stiff. i wouldn’t be surprised if brain lobes were squeezing out of my ears.

i wouldn’t be surprised if i stay here forever. because im being lulled into sleep. im being hardened and one could call it trained but i call it grinded into a system. but i’m pretty sure it would be the same no matter where i went.

so here i am. im not unhappy. but i guess im not content. and i guess im not alive with excitement. im just moving. taking steps. typing words. writing plans. answering emails. being called out on my mistakes. hearing people’s problems. all the while it feels like im stuck in a time where the world moves on without me.

i just want to know my purpose. i just want to find what i was made for. i want to find people who inspire me to strive for that. is it too much to ask for every day to be filled to the brim? to every day to wake up knowing you’re doing what you were always supposed to do. is it too much to ask. to feel fulfilled.

it’s interesting because i don’t feel like i’m rotting here. i feel like when i was in college i could let myself rot. but here i have to keep moving. i have to wake up i have to go i have to turn in something i have to keep the machine churning. so it’s been good. learning how to build faithfulness.

im rambling, but im trying to say something. im trying to pin point this something in me that has been calling. i havent been able to access that data. it’s like it’s under four feet of rock that has now calloused over the four months of this time. it’s a weird feeling to feel that dead inside. because sometimes when i wish to run away from life it’s an intense feeling that stops me from doing life. but here i am deadened to my own feelings and so i have been able to just keep doing life.

yeah. now i’m just not making sense. but that’s what you get. at the end of another day of the longest day of my life.