every second
overwhelmed
need to work
need to eat
want to play
want to drink
can’t believe
here again
this place, time stops
the moment’s dead
the moment when should became wish
and regret birthed panic
and panic grew to this
overwhelming suffocation, a deafening fixation
on how little time is left
on what cannot be finished
on the unencumbered silence of death
overwhelm until it breaks
the calm that thinks it can
overwhelm until it hurts
you’re a sad excuse little man
overwhelmed and unsure of what to write or say
to describe the debilitating stress that wrestles minds away
from hearts and rips apart all cause
that leaves behind reason, hope, love
that numbs senses, battle scars scraped freshly raw
overwhelmed, over whelmed, over is whelmingly
hallucinating desperate dreams of drowning out at sea
where no one knows just how deep
disgusting and lonely
no one knows the weight inside that drags defiantly
indefinitely sinking into the unforgiving folds of fat
that mirror sees and taunts torturing
for better or worse, forever cursed
never released, marked deceased
overwhelming dread with the victory again
from every facet, in every aspect
don’t know how to beat this
every second, overwhelmed

Done
I’m done
I’m really done this time
I’m not coming back
no re-run and no re-try
your number’s been blocked, my eyes are dry
my heart’s been cleansed, not a guilt in mind
and the best part is that I’m feelin’ supa fine
because you were the rain and now I’m sunshine
because the tumor’s been removed and I’m still alive
tangled in your limbs I thought I needed you to survive
so I tried to keep you around, I tried to compromise
but my red flags kept raising, I actually ran out of red dye
and I just kept coming back to that question of why
did it have to be this hard to get you to admit
that I wasn’t any body, not even close to some body
I was just a body that you threw out when you were done using it, so why
do I feel bad for my honesty, for my sincere mistrust and uncertainty, why
do you ignore me when I’m right in front of you, as if I’m not worth your day time
only worth a text past 1 am last night time, just in case I might be down time, and why
when I ask to talk you don’t have a clue, like you’re so above my dilemma and struggle and you
obviously can’t afford to lose power by speaking the truth
so I’m not listening anymore, not playing fair or nice
do you hear the sound of redemption exiting your life
because I need to escape this amnesia that clouds my mind
that appears when I forget how done I am and how desperately I need
the best for you and for me which is to truly, truly be
done
I’m done
really done this time
no re-run and no re-try
no second chance, no quick flyby
done
I’m done
really done next this time

all clogged up, no legs to run
air passes between but no resolution reached
promise – the quick release of pain
the broken bridge about to break
misplaced trust in paper friends
gained ten pounds in indifference
nonsense declared dominion slain
and yet understand not how she came
read the stains on the mirror door
flashing cover of names to know
woke up to never live again
went down into the abyss she sent

not your toy
not yours at all
burn in my anger
skin scraped off
deserve is not a word
remotely close to you
desire is blinding
it’s all you consume
return to this world
where consequence is due
return my worth
worth three times of you

stop making me talk
I’m done with breathing
life is confusing misery
you the ever most
pointless these activities be
for status on a paper
no material worth
my reputation might be
the most expensive thing I have
but there’s nothing more I’d rather lose

identifying the snake in the grass
the cancer before it spreads
have the courage to cut it out
before it lies with you in bed
my body is sacred, a spirit lives inside
I am more than a text message
more than this one night
don’t trick me into feeling that I owe something to you
yes we’re both at fault, but why am I the only one left duped
I think before I regretted not exploring more
not experiencing that side of life “popular” people adore
but I’ve come to realize very clear and simply
a person who doesn’t share my values
can’t be the one for me
someone warned me to guard my heart
to flee from this kind of thing
so why am I so drawn to fall
as if a force pulls me backwards by a string
every time we meet like this, I start burning in my mind
in that moment there is a ferocious battle that I am unable to verbalize
and in that moment, in every action, it feels like morality is on the line
but the thing that gets me most is how I’m affecting you as well
because I know I look indecisive and I know that you can tell
and I know you know the beliefs I’m breaking, so you must think I’m a fraud
because how could someone who falls so often also believe in a God
naiveté ran away the second I said we could meet
I knew what I was doing and I guess today I chose defeat
but I didn’t travel around the world to land in the exact same place
I didn’t cleanse myself of wounds and hurts to re-enter this rat race
I’m sorry to all of you (who care) for making this dumb choice
but it’s time to stand back up, forgive again, and rise above the noise
consequence will come I’m sure, temptation will return
but I’m thankful to be alive in grace and for new mercies that cover every burn
so yes I believe that friends should be beneficial, that’s true
but let’s be real, this friendship is really only benefiting you

~goodbye

crazy. it’s been absolutely crazy. I just returned back to campus after being away for a year. Seeing people that I haven’t seen in a year, people that I am not sure I want to see, people that I hurt and was hurt by. Fighting with family, getting annoyed and making up all over again. and all around is the fear that I might fail miserably, that I can’t learn from past mistakes.

I want to be grounded in you
I want you to be behind everything I do
I don’t need anything else but you
I am back in the hot pot of boiling pressures
back in old circumstances with new priorities
back with a chance at redemption
but regardless of all my plans to start fresh
take this semester and give me hope instead
take my anger and give me the beginnings of forgiveness
please be at the center of my spirit
for you are always where I want to be
and you are always where I am

hope to be posting more as the semester goes on. thanks to those of you who have been supporting and following me. there’s lots to come.