if you don’t know it’s purpose
does that mean it shouldn’t exist
if you didn’t understand
then shouldn’t words have left your mouth
shouldn’t i have heard what you were confused about
if you aren’t here to support
then why did you come at all
but if you know the meaning of support
is it support to watch me fall
if you don’t want to be here
don’t
point your fingers at me
blame is all in the name
of this one man game
you done played
if you’re asking me to stay
i’m telling you i already left
you just never knew
you never wanted to know
your words want me
but your heart said no

©Kira Shymn

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cause today today
it’s all about today
it’s all about right now
not those stale promises
from a time of equal sincerity
without executed obedience
i’m thankful today
for how far you’ve brought me
and the people around me
and the gifts i’ve received
even those unboxed and thrown away
i’ve erased the line graph predicting my trajectory
i’m done looking for progress in process of perfecting me
i’m excited to take one step by step
in forward truth stretching patience beyond virtue
filled with strength beyond youth
my lungs expanding as poured drink offerings run through
this vessel so empty
alive, a live, a living sacrifice
i shall transform into
and in so doing regain my love
my precious child like wonder and everlasting fruit

©Kira Shymn

don’t leave me
don’t leave me
my insides pulling apart
my disgust of you pushed aside
because in this moment i’d rather be with you
than alone
which i don’t voice
instead my voice
pines for you to stay
as if my tone could stretch out and caress your ear
and whisper dear sweet tingly air
that enlarges into boulders buckling one knee down
until you’re trapped by this sound
of an option besides lonely
of heat from breath
of a small glimpse that maybe this we exists
when will we both realize
the silence of loneliness
is sultry symphony
while the creaking of our lungs
enclosed in the same four walls
is that high pitched screech
of my soul dying
as i continue to slice it up
and serve it to you
now there’s none left for me
and the one who i keep waiting for
to complete this we
and when you eventually do leave
you’re taking that part of me with you
so
don’t leave me
don’t leave me
you’re leaving with parts of me
that i’ll never get back
that’ll never grow back
how much of me is left
when you leave

image by burcumbaygut
©Kira Shymn

oh sadness sadness dear
hello again old friend
come draw the curtains
come lay with me in bed
on my chest heavy ladened
my burdens litter the floor
i can’t talk can’t dream can’t get up anymore
fixate on fixating
this question berating
your last smokes takes hits from that same drug defeat
“where are you going?”
where am I going?
the world’s moving while I’m stuck
staring at these two feet
not the son that rises
not the person carrying me
surely not securely
bend broken bent
my will to progress forward coward lies regressed enfolds depressed in folds repressed in fetal position possessed and fools repeat
i’m lost sadness
leave me please
but you overstay again until I’m crushed again and my motivations remain chained deceased

where are you going
©Kira Shymn

~~posted on 3.7.18
~~written on 3.5.18

Most times I don’t understand
Most times I echo lies
Most times I’m crippled, stuck in my head, completely paralyzed
But then you paint these sights around me
And I am in awe of your light
As something stirs, whispers that I just might be worth it because you graced me with your life
Pierce my heart deeper still
Piece me back together
Wash me in this river, fill me without measure
Daily I choose to leave the past behind
Daily I fight against this pain that numbs and chains me stupefied
Day to day leads to today
But here hopelessness will end
Because today I will fight to feel your love
Not because it doesn’t exist but because without it I won’t know how to live.

river

©Kira Shymn

~~ picture also taken and edited by me (for the first time)

i love you
but i can wait
just another day
maybe in another time
when you and i
are more than fantastical
fanciful flight
a dream
i’ve finally let go
because i’m becoming alive
on my own
i’ll see you again
when our paths align
just another day
maybe in another time

©Kira Shymn

~posted on 1.13.2018

why won’t you respond
why are you here
inside my brain
making me question if i’m worth the wait
why did you come
at four AM that night
just because you should
then why didn’t you fight
for me when i asked you
those questions hanging in the air
why didn’t you answer
why don’t you care
so then why did you stay
offering your help like it’s free
as if we are friends, as if you want me
maybe im the screw up who’s ruining you
but you’re no saint either
and i refuse to lose.

when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i see privilege
i see potential
i see sacrifice, love, and promise of eternity
but when i open my eyes
i can’t awaken who i want to be
i can only feel the limitations of everything within me
i am dirty
i am unfit
the thought of lifting up my foot to take another step is daunting
because the future is so foggy
for all i know i’m stepping into nothing
off a cliff and free falling
except what’s worse: moving or staying behind
ask me once, ask me twice, everything is really, actually fine
cause if i stay the fog becomes smoke and the smoke clogs brains
suffocating from a given gift of emotional understanding
why can i see others so much clearer than i can see myself?
why does this mirror talk so ugly?
stop.
my bony frame groans in the ditch beside the road
eating dust, my mouth caked thirsty, hungry
and i guess it’s all my fault, i put myself here
stop.
you’re bent over, you’re holding me
stop.
you’re weeping, you’re healing me
stop.
you’re tears land and fall from mine
you share your heart and place it inside
and i’m a child
with no more power left to stop
amazing love, how can it be
when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i’m only beautiful because of who you are
and what you’ve done
and this distance that i’ve come
is the battle you have won
thank you.
i don’t step forward in blind belief
i fall freely into an unknown
with the only one who awakens my peace.

speaking to me
you are and
loving on me
you are and it’s
occurring to me
that these past sufferings
are helping me connect unlike before
you are overwhelming me
and it’s a bizarrely wondrous feeling
you are building back in me
a fighting fire, pursuing purpose
you are hearing me
not for the first time
here this whole time
and it’s me
you set free
again and again
I’ll fall, I’m blind, I constantly
come back to hopelessness
meaningless seasons of empty distress, but
you are
waking me alive
unbeknownst to me, you are not surprised
by my hostility or repeated doubts
life breathed in, hope pours out
release of judgement on myself
you are the I AM and
I am not all I thought I was but
depending on you
I am
yearning for you
I am
in desperate need of you and all
you are
immeasurably more
always

pink bleak aura
daily she sings
remind me blessing
of paradoxical things
roaming find lonely
ignore console friend
destitute room mating
(with the)
ever dreaded end
stuffed objective treasures
provoking loved endeavors
such useless objects
such meaningless dreams
throat scratched chokes
over thrown truth
tonight she dies
tomorrow she cries
yesterday she emerged
brand spanking new

im freaking out. my spirit is dying. i hate looking around my room and seeing all the things i have. all the things im not using to their fullest potential. it all reminds me of the meaninglessness in front of me. in my life.

i have no idea what im here for. i have no idea what he wants from me. and i am so alone.

im shutting out all the things that are trying to tell me positive things. because none of them make any sense. it’s all a distraction from the truth. or maybe this is the lie. see i’m all fucked up.

all i know is. right now. i don’t see why. i don’t see how. i don’t care. except i do. because if i didn’t care i wouldn’t be weeping my eyes out. i wouldn’t be screaming my head off. i wouldn’t be sobbing for meaning.

what am i doing here. can someone please tell me.

the little things used to satisfy. “oh im just being faithful. one step at a time. all the little interactions with people matter. that’s how i am making my impact” but maybe they don’t. maybe everyone’s too busy with everyone’s own selfish face taking up all the view. so that you can’t see anything but yourself. myself included.

im having a hard time transitioning. and i know it. i was terrified of this moment. these moments. because at the end of the day. it’s me here. by myself. it’s me here. unable to see past the end of my day. it starts becoming harder and harder to see the answer to why. so then the reason to move stops becoming clear too.

all of this
is a storm passing by
the kind you wait out until
only the drizzling rain dribbles on your shirt
as you scamper to your car
the only problem is
this storm comes every night
after a whole day of work
sitting in a cubicle
powering through assignments
powered solely by approval of the man
that 6:25 pm headache hits
and that mindless roommate chatter
the weekends with coworkers getting drunk and high
it’s the worst being in a room full of people and not wanting to be there
after all that
in my room alone
my demons come to taunt me
my bad habits rise to play
everything within me is fading
im losing any reason to stay
im grasping for that glowing memory
of what i thought was truth
but im being tortured here
and in this delirious state i can’t remember which way i came in
so i have no idea which way is home
and i feel pitiful
because i feel like if i were stronger
i would have a gut feeling
i would know how to get back home
but maybe it’s not even worth it at this point
because home would just be disappointed
fuck, im disappointed in myself.
who am i anymore
im losing that too
is this as serious as it feels
all my measurements are off
someone come help me
find me
and save me.
this isn’t like before
i don’t know what to say
maybe this storm isn’t passing
maybe all that’s left is for me to pass and decay

the number one prevailing thought coursing through my brain right now
is that i should do this on my home computer, not my work computer
but every time i go home. i don’t have the energy to pull out my laptop
because i spend all day at work on the computer

THAT’S RIGHT.
your girl has become a working girl
no longer college girl
goodbye 16 years of being a student
hello forever years of working

not that i know what i’m working for or towards
but that im trying to be faithful in the little things

there’s a lot to say and update
im in a new state, a new house, new roommate
driving a car, with only me in the car … that’s 10 days new

im pretty sure my work can read all of this.
maybe somewhere they have a monitor that mirrors your screen
and someone is watching at all times

or maybe they have a system that flags whenever you go on sites that you’re not supposed to…

at some point, i feel like i won’t care.
and i will just post

but this is it for now.
my small rebellion is over.
look forward to more work posts, more updates on my life, more writings
and as always this is for me

im afraid i might love you
or maybe not
maybe im afraid that you love me
or that you never did
or that you chose not to
so let me choose for both of us
let me say no first
before your rejection crushes
something i didn’t know i wanted
all i know is
when everyone’s in the room
i want to sit next to you and
feel the light touch of your warmth against my arm
all i know is
you make me laugh constantly
you say things i never thought of before
im never not smiling
when im with you
all i know is
we speak the same language
and when i talk
your eyes are listening
searching for what im really saying
responding with your heart
all i know is
right now we are apart
and besides that
im not sure what we are
so all i really know
during those pauses in our face time is
im scared to ask
can ü take me there baby
when maybe our best is right where we are

©Kira Shymn

it’s always hard to start writing. especially when you haven’t in a while.

my lack of posting from this blog has mostly been because my heart has been singing. and i’ve discovered that i’m much better at writing about pain than joy.

from my journal, 6.28.18:

“i feel happiness
i feel it permeating
i feel it solidifying
i feel it latching
it’s stemming from thankfulness
a recognition that i have so much to be thankful for
that there is so much to be thankful for
and it’s even coloring the old times a different shade
one with roots connecting to a source
lighter. brighter.
it quiets my soul
and i don’t want to move
because this is exactly where i’ve always wanted to be
and where i was last happy and free”

“here there is an openness
a willingness
to go where i am led
to detach from hopelessness
a desire to reform
in fact
transform
a desire to go deeper
because as happy as
freedom eyes feel
with them i see and
with them i realize
i can’t stay
it’s not a greed for more of the same
but an unveiling of redemptive triumph
but right now in this moment
i sit here and revel and breathe and soak
in pure joy
thankfulness
worry-less
carefree
grace”

“jesus,
i have dreams
did you know
i had dreams
a lot of them died
disappeared
melted away
or beaten down
my foggy future
sometimes feels
impossible
because i don’t have the
piercing light
of a dream
a goal
a vision
a place to be
a thing to do
accomplish
become
i say you are enough
but do you know what i mean
when i say
that i need
a dream
i just want to know
have a sense
have a feeling
of what i’m fighting towards
besides your glory
or specifically
for your glory”

from 6.30.18:

“healing, healing
i had cuts i didn’t know
bloods been leaking out
my smile never changed
but it also never grew
into a jumping joy
the kind i have now
as my feet leave the ground”

“you see the hurts i am trying to cover up
you see the joy
you see it all
God, you see right through me
you pierce through this facade i have been creating
the super suit i put on
the image i bolster
and you said
no, not that one
that’s not my daughter
that’s not the one chosen to be anointed
it’s that one
the girl who stole
the girl who bullied
and even you, writer, who holds this girl to her past pains with the words you ink
she is beyond those
but also
broken still
inside breathes a you that will be
is being
used
that’s my daughter
and with her I am well pleased
I am forming her
you, God, you’re not done with me yet
you God want more from me
because i have more to give
i have questions
i have angers
i have annoyances
i have sadness
i have mistakes
do none of those matter
do those really go away”

Here is what I wrote down when i felt like God was speaking to me:

“Home. you want to go home. you want to die to go home. your home is in your heart. your home is in your body. your home is in ME and I am HERE. Be where I am. I will always be with you and I AM your home.

Try your best. you feel like you have been trying your best. you feel like you failed trying your best and you are processing failure, but hey at least you tried your best. but deep down. you know you did not give your best. you did not rebuke sin to the point of shedding your blood (hebrews). you promised me your best. that’s all I ask. you know I am not asking for perfection. we rebuke perfection. but we are asking for your best. and in your best there will be forgiveness for when you don’t try. there will be grace for when even that falls short. but try AND

I will give you the strength to give your best. I will give more patience. more sincerity. but you must try.
recently you have not been trying. for a while you have been trying to get away with less to conserve energy. to be smarter.
give generously
love patiently
don’t give up
I have not given up
I AM not a judge who will reject offering
but you know when you have not given me ALL that you can give
like the monopoly money trick (as a kid i used to hide money when we played monopoly and use it in the end. people didn’t realize i had more money than i was showing)
ask me what more there is and I will tell you
– your work in the mundane assignments
– your living situation
– your friendships … esp those reaching out to you

Give ALL and I will sustain you
Do not be afraid of the world
for I have overcome the world

my perfect love is casting out your fear

not just a mushy love, a challenging love
that pushes for your potential

not a performance
not an evaluation
but a relationship
has give
has sacrifices
I AM God
I commanded for fruit

Great is not mustered by effort alone
but by growth
because growth points to and reflects on the status of the stalk”

what do you guys think? i have a lot of thoughts that i will probably share in future posts. but i’m curious to hear what you guys think.

this blog is for me. it’s not for you. i’m not producing content for people’s approval. i’m posting raw thoughts of my own. that’s why i tell so few people about this.

it’s funny because before i graduated college i was going to tell almost everyone about this. i was going to send out this email with the link to this blog. and i was going to be like “oh, follow me in my life since we won’t see each other any more and read my stuff” because inside i was like yeah my content is good and i want people to see that i do it and blah blah. but recently i’ve just been so thankful that there is no pressure here. it’s the perfect place. because i want people to read my words (thank you followers) but i want to feel like i can say whatever and in my life i always feel like i have to make things perfect so that people can see how perfect i really am. which is ridiculous. anyways. this is a long way of saying. if you know me personally and you are following this and you are actually reading this rn (because i’ve noticed even when you send the link to people they actually never read anything) thank you for being one of the most important people in my life. and if you are reading this and you don’t know me personally, thank you for providing a space for me to be myself. thank you for your encouraging words and for your attentive eyes.

on to the real stuff …

today. i just got really overwhelmed with the apartment search. and i’ve been really annoyed whenever people ask me to do things. my mom asking me to do the laundry. my brother asking me to read his essay. my dad asking me what i’m doing with my time. it’s not that i don’t want to do it. it’s that my body feels like a ball of masking tape rolling around in the dirt picking up everybody’s waste. i feel like a bowl under a leaky roof trying to catch all the water seeping through. i feel like no one’s priority but everyone’s call for help. it’s hard to tell people you need help when they’re busy asking you for help.

i’m sick of feeling guilty for waking up at 11 am. guilt that i feel from myself and from my parents. because it’s apparently a sin to wake up at 11 am. but then, yes, it is indeed a privilege to wake up at 11 am.

i sometimes hit this place. when i have no idea what i’m doing. it’s this place where time becomes a bubble around me. everything slows down dramatically. and nothing feels exciting anymore. i’ll be in the middle of cleaning my room. and then boom. i’m surrounded by this mess i created and i just don’t have an ounce of desire to finish cleaning. i don’t know why i started cleaning in the first place. i start thinking about how i wish i were doing something i loved. but how i don’t even know what i love.

i’ve been trying to meet with God every day. At first it was going really well. and now it’s just hard. because you can’t have a revelation every single day.

ug ug ug. i’ve just been really sad. something inside of me is really sad. you know how peaches have pits and mangoes have those huge seeds and sometimes grapes have all those tiny seeds that you have to spit out? my sadness feels like that. it’s like when you bite into the fruit it’s juicy and sweet and the happiness dribbles down your arm it’s just so ripe and lovely. and you’re enjoying it and it’s sticky and it’s amazing. it has promise. it’s the result of hard labor. of growth. of cooperation from the soil to the sun to the water to the tree. so much went into this fruit. and so much comes out from it’s flavor. and yet. in the middle of every single one. is this hard. useless. wooden circle thing. this component of the every fruit. that you just wish wasn’t there at all. my sadness sometimes feels like the core of my being and when my energy levels are low it’s like i’m hitting the bare bones of my fruit. and i’m full of sadness again.

idk it’s hard to explain. i’m doing fine. i’m just trying to understand if this is who i am. or if this is something i’m going through as i continue to discover, shape, and become who i am. or maybe who i am supposed to be.