this sadness string
is broken in me
because every time i try to strum
it rings back empty
im collapsing, my inner conscious crinkles
under the weight of attacking pressure
and an uncontrollable lack of self discipline
what i want is not what i do
what i do is not what i want
who i desire is not here
who i am lies shattered there
i say you are everything
but everything has consumed me
i meta morph eyes under the black light
into a person you wouldn’t recognize
she stabs your back multiple times
she cares not about the boundaries wise
she only stumbles over her own two feet
past her own convictions
lost in between the black and white
never willing to return home
numb from the colorless existence
rotted three days in the belly of defeat

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maybe one day. i’ll be old and happy. i’ll have lived a full life. i’ll have nothing more to achieve.
maybe one day. things won’t feel so heavy. it won’t be so hard to wake up. and pretend like im free.
maybe one day. i won’t breakdown so much. i won’t cry or yell or scream or curse.
maybe one day. i’ll be tired but fulfilled. and so then i’ll be satisfied not burdened with guilt.
or maybe one day. all this will end. i will let uglies take the best of me. and i’ll never see you again.

1.10.19
posting all my unwritten drafts #1

lost ~
i feel like you’re the one
you’re supposed to be in my life
i’ve been searching for someone like you
but why can’t he just be you
i tried letting go
that’s why i ignored you each time
but you’re creeping back in
seeping into my mind
so do i let you overtake my fantasies
glimmering with the slightest hope of a distant reality
or do i shut the door
in my face and yours
because you’re the road
i can’t afford
to lose
myself
while pining for
~ you

something’s brewing
changing colors to new
tingling out the green
blossoming into orange, red, yellow hues
im shivering
these goosebump condensation rumps
forming, flying up my arms
im far from dying
im first world surviving
the reality equivalent of thriving
excavated
a fragmented skull bone
of who i are
meaning the tiniest essence of who i can be
keeps encountering me
destroying me mentally
exhausting me intimately
construed to believe i was built for greatness
or didn’t i build myself to this great hit?
yet while in the pits of lions
with everything stripped naked
i realize everything i had was a gift
and that i was built to reflect greatness
and that in the midst of struggle
i can choose to exude
a trusting patience
endless graces
i am left undone

©Kira Shymn

a new series ~ of writings i start but never finish. those that are left unwritten.

im floating away
to nowhere
unseen
im lost inside
these worldly memories
defined by previous
inconsistencies
carved immovable
my past lies
lifeless
irredeemable
half complete

if you don’t know it’s purpose
does that mean it shouldn’t exist
if you didn’t understand
then shouldn’t words have left your mouth
shouldn’t i have heard what you were confused about
if you aren’t here to support
then why did you come at all
but if you know the meaning of support
is it support to watch me fall
if you don’t want to be here
don’t
point your fingers at me
blame is all in the name
of this one man game
you done played
if you’re asking me to stay
i’m telling you i already left
you just never knew
you never wanted to know
your words want me
but your heart said no

©Kira Shymn

cause today today
it’s all about today
it’s all about right now
not those stale promises
from a time of equal sincerity
without executed obedience
i’m thankful today
for how far you’ve brought me
and the people around me
and the gifts i’ve received
even those unboxed and thrown away
i’ve erased the line graph predicting my trajectory
i’m done looking for progress in process of perfecting me
i’m excited to take one step by step
in forward truth stretching patience beyond virtue
filled with strength beyond youth
my lungs expanding as poured drink offerings run through
this vessel so empty
alive, a live, a living sacrifice
i shall transform into
and in so doing regain my love
my precious child like wonder and everlasting fruit

©Kira Shymn

don’t leave me
don’t leave me
my insides pulling apart
my disgust of you pushed aside
because in this moment i’d rather be with you
than alone
which i don’t voice
instead my voice
pines for you to stay
as if my tone could stretch out and caress your ear
and whisper dear sweet tingly air
that enlarges into boulders buckling one knee down
until you’re trapped by this sound
of an option besides lonely
of heat from breath
of a small glimpse that maybe this we exists
when will we both realize
the silence of loneliness
is sultry symphony
while the creaking of our lungs
enclosed in the same four walls
is that high pitched screech
of my soul dying
as i continue to slice it up
and serve it to you
now there’s none left for me
and the one who i keep waiting for
to complete this we
and when you eventually do leave
you’re taking that part of me with you
so
don’t leave me
don’t leave me
you’re leaving with parts of me
that i’ll never get back
that’ll never grow back
how much of me is left
when you leave

image by burcumbaygut
©Kira Shymn

oh sadness sadness dear
hello again old friend
come draw the curtains
come lay with me in bed
on my chest heavy ladened
my burdens litter the floor
i can’t talk can’t dream can’t get up anymore
fixate on fixating
this question berating
your last smokes takes hits from that same drug defeat
“where are you going?”
where am I going?
the world’s moving while I’m stuck
staring at these two feet
not the son that rises
not the person carrying me
surely not securely
bend broken bent
my will to progress forward coward lies regressed enfolds depressed in folds repressed in fetal position possessed and fools repeat
i’m lost sadness
leave me please
but you overstay again until I’m crushed again and my motivations remain chained deceased

where are you going
©Kira Shymn

~~posted on 3.7.18
~~written on 3.5.18

Most times I don’t understand
Most times I echo lies
Most times I’m crippled, stuck in my head, completely paralyzed
But then you paint these sights around me
And I am in awe of your light
As something stirs, whispers that I just might be worth it because you graced me with your life
Pierce my heart deeper still
Piece me back together
Wash me in this river, fill me without measure
Daily I choose to leave the past behind
Daily I fight against this pain that numbs and chains me stupefied
Day to day leads to today
But here hopelessness will end
Because today I will fight to feel your love
Not because it doesn’t exist but because without it I won’t know how to live.

river

©Kira Shymn

~~ picture also taken and edited by me (for the first time)

i love you
but i can wait
just another day
maybe in another time
when you and i
are more than fantastical
fanciful flight
a dream
i’ve finally let go
because i’m becoming alive
on my own
i’ll see you again
when our paths align
just another day
maybe in another time

©Kira Shymn

~posted on 1.13.2018

why won’t you respond
why are you here
inside my brain
making me question if i’m worth the wait
why did you come
at four AM that night
just because you should
then why didn’t you fight
for me when i asked you
those questions hanging in the air
why didn’t you answer
why don’t you care
so then why did you stay
offering your help like it’s free
as if we are friends, as if you want me
maybe im the screw up who’s ruining you
but you’re no saint either
and i refuse to lose.

when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i see privilege
i see potential
i see sacrifice, love, and promise of eternity
but when i open my eyes
i can’t awaken who i want to be
i can only feel the limitations of everything within me
i am dirty
i am unfit
the thought of lifting up my foot to take another step is daunting
because the future is so foggy
for all i know i’m stepping into nothing
off a cliff and free falling
except what’s worse: moving or staying behind
ask me once, ask me twice, everything is really, actually fine
cause if i stay the fog becomes smoke and the smoke clogs brains
suffocating from a given gift of emotional understanding
why can i see others so much clearer than i can see myself?
why does this mirror talk so ugly?
stop.
my bony frame groans in the ditch beside the road
eating dust, my mouth caked thirsty, hungry
and i guess it’s all my fault, i put myself here
stop.
you’re bent over, you’re holding me
stop.
you’re weeping, you’re healing me
stop.
you’re tears land and fall from mine
you share your heart and place it inside
and i’m a child
with no more power left to stop
amazing love, how can it be
when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i’m only beautiful because of who you are
and what you’ve done
and this distance that i’ve come
is the battle you have won
thank you.
i don’t step forward in blind belief
i fall freely into an unknown
with the only one who awakens my peace.

speaking to me
you are and
loving on me
you are and it’s
occurring to me
that these past sufferings
are helping me connect unlike before
you are overwhelming me
and it’s a bizarrely wondrous feeling
you are building back in me
a fighting fire, pursuing purpose
you are hearing me
not for the first time
here this whole time
and it’s me
you set free
again and again
I’ll fall, I’m blind, I constantly
come back to hopelessness
meaningless seasons of empty distress, but
you are
waking me alive
unbeknownst to me, you are not surprised
by my hostility or repeated doubts
life breathed in, hope pours out
release of judgement on myself
you are the I AM and
I am not all I thought I was but
depending on you
I am
yearning for you
I am
in desperate need of you and all
you are
immeasurably more
always

i do love you
i know i do
i know because it doesn’t make sense
but my lips never stop uttering your name
my heart lusts after things it can’t have
my mind sets up mental dominos like walls to keep you away from me
but my being, my spirit, my soul
long for you
i love you
i am who i am because of you
im sitting here disgusted with what i’ve done
maybe i push you away because i don’t believe i deserve your love
and even if i can’t deny how i love you
i can at least admit that i don’t deserve you
why are you still running after me
why are you still dying for me
why are you still calling me
to fully grasp unconditionality is to let go of perfecting worth
to surrender ego and be valued simply because you love me
simply because you made me in your image
i cannot ever understand how much you love me
in the same way i will always love you
beyond any feeling and the words that carelessly stumble out of my mouth
beyond physical sight and intimacy
take my small grain of sincerity
in this moment that may be all i have to give
but only you can make it multiply fruitfully

i can explain so many things so many times in so many ways
but this moment right now
the one stuck in my chest
weighing me down
until i can’t feel myself, like myself
here he comes again
even after everything was shining and presumably happy
even as i know that im better and existentially more stable
more okay with time ticking past me
numbers flipping and re-stacking, 23, 24, 25, quarters of a century are going to haunt me
her pictured face gazing into my unrealized longing for the past to be in front of me
i can’t ever understand why i was born with this plague
forced to bear burdens i didn’t ask for and didn’t make
how long must i scream for you to take this away
how dark does empty reach; how do i describe pain that can’t be measured
sure i am just expecting an unexpected, anticipating what will never happen
sure i am bending when i was remaking what i had promised.
im back to destructive.
back to i don’t give no fucking fucks
back to i don’t care who reads this or if you like me or if you care
because no one will understand or care
back to these basic as a starbucks patagonia bougie fiend
don’t make me keep doing things i can’t do anymore
this isn’t because my job or my living situation or anything like that because those things are actually fine. proven and tested for the last few weeks
it’s the fact that i applied to that thing and now i know im going to be rejected and my energy was high and now it’s low and i can’t control how far that swings me.
and those are my explanations.
but who cares about the explanations when im stuck in this bed and im paralyzed.

In moments like these
I wish for a choice
I wish I could be free
In moments like these
My head is heavy with delirium
With the struggle to end existence
Dope me up
Send me home
But I can’t because I can’t even get up now
How could I end it
When I can’t do more than write these words
And think these thoughts
Drink these lies and
Sleep away time
I need freedom
But I feel even more
That I will never receive it
That I carry this
Which will haunt me forever

Unwritten on 12/16/18 1:56 am

My heart rockets out of my body
Back. And forth
I pant without anyone else around
I’ve been alone
For all this time
The glare over taking my eyes
You don’t understand
You couldn’t know
This lack of intimacy poisons my soul
I writhe in depression
Cravings hunger for my next obsession
As I crumple completely empty endlessly
Seeking fulfillment in a world
Where it can’t be bought
Has never been sold
I’m alone alone alone again
My own breath my only companion
The grease from my hair
The growing stench in my bed
All these things
As I claim to rest
Lies fester
No one will ever find me beautiful
My life is a small hamster wheel
That turns again and again
I can’t break this cycle
I was made for this small feat
To impress people outside
But to never let anyone in
I have no more time
I have no more energy
To fight these lies
I allow them to consume me
To drown in them in vices I taunt and tease
I got nothing done that I said I would
I can now but I refuse
Will showering and jumping on this train and wearing make up with slightly seductive clothes make me happy
I think not
I think not
Will these people on my phone whom I have to set up to meet
Make me happy?
I think not
Nothing else exists in this world
I will just let this bitterness in
I will just become jade itself
Fragile and cynical
Destroyed from view
I mourn the death of my innocence
I mourn the days of youth

unwritten 6/15 6:39 pm

i just had a conversation with my boss’s boss and i need to write down what she said. because it was very helpful and it’s leaking out of my brain with every second that passes.

she basically evaluated me and told me things about myself that i haven’t been able to put into words but that i have been thinking for a very long time. she said that it seemed like i had a clock hanging over me that i’m under some sort of pressure to figure out something. and that i need to realize that i can take my time and that there is a lot of time to find that out and she isn’t sure why i’m so worried about figuring that out. but that maybe part of the reason is because for my whole life for a long time there hasn’t been a routine for more than 6 months and there’s been a lot of transition so that if it’s not this thing then it’s the next thing and then the next after that. she told me that more than she’s seen in other people there is an intensity to figure that out.

basically i think one of her main points was that time for her was very different than it was for me. and she recognizes that. i wish i had recorded what she said because it’s falling out of my brain so quickly now.

i just felt very known. i was surprised that she was able to say so much about me without ever hearing from me what my thoughts are on it. i grew in a lot of respect for her. but also felt her frustration. that she wasn’t able to figure me out. and the point that i’m at a work right now that allows me the flexibility to take vacation and do lots of things and still that feels unsatisfying like i have to get something out of it. and she feels like i just need to take my time. why rush through it all even if in the end i discover that i am not going to be here longer.

and i think she’s right. at the end of the day. i’m coming head to head with a lot of things right now. and my tendency to go up and down can be felt by everyone and that often bothers me.

she didn’t know if it were outside of work that was causing it or if it’s just because i’m actively communicating it to her that’s causing it or what it was but there seemed to be a dissatisfaction with things and she didn’t think that was yet harmful for me.

i don’t think it’s harmful for me yet either. all i know is that i am so thankful for her. she makes me want to stay at this company. she makes me feel like i don’t want to waste her time and i don’t want to let her down. i want to be a person that runs with her and makes things better. the fact that she sits down and takes the time to dive that deep into MY insecurities and MY issues and all of that is crazy.

she makes me want to stay and make it right. she makes me want to prove to her that it can be better.

i can’t imagine being her and continuing to do things the way that she does. but also i can imagine it and that’s who i would hope i would become.

she said that she’s worried that it’s not just the next “new” and exciting thing that will keep me interested. she recognizes that the same things that make me dissatisfied with the job are the things that are helping me point out what can be better.

There are times when i feel like we miss each other in that we speak and feel a certain vibe like we are on the same page but we aren’t fully understanding the words that are coming out of each other’s mouths.

sometimes i feel like that’s just my problem though. that i’m not an eloquent speaker when it matters.

i’m writing this also because i’m feeling like i want to stay. and im feeling like i am ready to put up with all the bullshit all over again and i’m going to keep fighting to make it better. because i have a lot of life and time to figure it out and i don’t need to rush out of here.

it’s because i’m moving that this door got re opened and it’s because i have been tired and

idk what i’m saying anymore. i am just free streaming thought at this point. i feel like it’s been so hard for me to figure out what i want and what i’m trying to do. it’s been so hard for me to overcome the debilitating sadness when it hits. and to just keep chugging along.

but i feel like this is all good. and things are going to get good soon. i feel like i need another year here to figure out what’s good and what’s bad again. i am starting to get attached to this routine and the leisure of this place.

hmmmmmmmmmmm. i so confused.

im ranting now. i live in this house where i rent a room. the woman who owns my house decided to sell it. i still have a bit of anger about the fact that she didn’t really tell me she was going to do it. i mean i’m sure she was planning on it eventually, but i found out because i saw her looking at houses and asked her what she was doing and she told me she was thinking about selling the house.

so now we are in this phase where i have to keep my room clean. basically i have to live as if i don’t live in the room/bathroom/house. then there are times when im not allowed to come home because someone is seeing the house. it’s not that those 30 min are going to end my life. it’s that i all of a sudden can’t go home and lie down. it’s taking away that comfort of a home. which is a total first world problem, but is also triggering so much else.

so im trying to move. already a difficult process i think. i got paired up with this girl. what happened was i posted myself on a roommate website and she saw my face and recognized me from a coworker’s party. she texted me and we started looking at rooms together. unfortunately she wants to keep living in the downtown area which is more expensive than the area i wanted to live in. she also is a bit … she is very on top of things. she has an excel sheet that keeps track of all the apartments we’ve looked at, she has notes from all the phone calls she’s made, when we saw places in person she was definitely the leader and she was very on point in asking the necessary questions. i’ve just found that she also doesn’t have much empathy. she operates pretty much entirely on logic. she wasn’t able to put herself in my shoes or in the shoes of a person who had to take a loft instead of a bedroom. she was fighting back saying that a person should be more than happy to get in a loft in such a nice apartment. regardless, it just reminded me that i don’t know her. and i’m about to commit to living with her. which is fine but not ideal. again a first world problem.

so i feel trapped. i feel like if i back out of living with her now it will be annoying for both of us. but quite honestly thinking about moving makes me realize that i don’t want to move. i really don’t want to pack all my things. resettle. move my bed. i don’t want to have to deal with that.

and then speaking of things i don’t want to deal with. work is pretty bad. it’s just a whole day full of shit i don’t want to deal with. i mean is everyone’s work truly like this?? I was talking to one person at work today and she jokingly said “wow, you have such a millennial bad attitude” … and i laughed it off and told her i try my best to have a good attitude, but sometimes the bullshit burns through the good and reveals a bitter, jaded underbelly. but yeah i’m sure she has a point. im sure all of this is me not having a lot of grit. me not understanding how to have endurance and put up with struggle. put up with unknowns, bullshit, tension, and transition. but also am i allowed to say that this sucks? am i allowed to say that i don’t want to be here, or maybe more accurately that i don’t want to stay?? i think it’s one thing to complain about where you are. i think it’s another thing to feel a depth, a never ending tunnel, a darkness into an abyss when it comes to thinking about where you are going. and i quite honestly feel like i’m continuing to walk down this path that leads to nowhere, that keeps getting darker, that keeps me eating myself alive.

so then at what point am i having a bad attitude? and at what point am i just a fool who doesn’t know how to change my circumstances and dig out of this hell?

and i’m scared. that im just running away again. that my only consistent move has been to run away from things i don’t like. from things that have been difficult. that’s really the core of why i think about death so much. because death to me in those instances is like a game over in a video game. who cares if you die at least you aren’t in the same place as you were. at least you get to start over again. except i wouldn’t start over. but that’s the thing the thought of ending these small issues feels more comforting to me then tackling them. which is ridiculous. i know. you don’t need to lecture me. why do you think i’m writing this? it’s because i can’t just die. but also i’m writing this to admit that i wish i could.

when i work here. and im feeling good. or im feeling something motivating me. it’s because im motivated to make a change in this place. im motivated that as much as i want to change the world i need to change the world im actually participating in right now. and i need to chip away at what that means right here. because if i can’t do it here and now then why in the world would i be able to do it somewhere else. yes maybe a different wall or a different mountain is where i’ll ultimately find my potential, but at least in some capacity, maybe it’s minuscule, but in some capacity i can grow here too.

the problem is that as much as this place and these people are the things i feel motivated to change. they are the exact thing that completely overwhelms me. i get so annoyed and then so angry about the situations that happen at work. i get so bogged down by bad/outdated systems or by the blame culture or by the monotony or the meaninglessness. and then i get so frustrated by incompetency in people. people who’ve been doing the same thing the same way for 25 years, people who aren’t motivated to run hard and run fast. why should i give my best when it’s being thrown into the wind like this? and then i get really mad at myself too. because my work is not something i’m proud of here. i feel like i was thrown into another foreign country, and as much as i’ve done to assimilate, sometimes the papers that get sent back to my desk all crossed out and edited for my silly spelling errors or mathematical mistakes, sometimes those hurt the most, are the most demotivating.

so then sometimes i just sit here and say fuck it all. and i want to be okay with that. i want to be okay with this “no prospect” life i’m leading right now. it’s just that the reason why i’m not is because i don’t think i can ever be okay without purpose.

so im just here. ranting. complaining. trying to make sense of what can trigger tears into my eyes. what has caused me to feel so down. and yet why i also keep coming back. mind you, not a “come back” i see very little if any redemption here. just coming back. like the way you get in your car and start driving and before you know it you’re at work and you didn’t even remember which way you turned to get there because you’re just at the same place in the same routine as you always will be until you’re not. and right now that’s all i have. and it’s driving me insane.