oh sadness sadness dear
hello again old friend
come draw the curtains
come lay with me in bed
on my chest heavy ladened
my burdens litter the floor
i can’t talk can’t dream can’t get up anymore
fixate on fixating
this question berating
your last smokes takes hits from that same drug defeat
“where are you going?”
where am I going?
the world’s moving while I’m stuck
staring at these two feet
not the son that rises
not the person carrying me
surely not securely
bend broken bent
my will to progress forward coward lies regressed enfolds depressed in folds repressed in fetal position possessed and fools repeat
i’m lost sadness
leave me please
but you overstay again until I’m crushed again and my motivations remain chained deceased
©Kira Shymn

~~posted on 3.7.18
~~written on 3.5.18


Most times I don’t understand
Most times I echo lies
Most times I’m crippled, stuck in my head, completely paralyzed
But then you paint these sights around me
And I am in awe of your light
As something stirs, whispers that I just might be worth it because you graced me with your life
Pierce my heart deeper still
Piece me back together
Wash me in this river, fill me without measure
Daily I choose to leave the past behind
Daily I fight against this pain that numbs and chains me stupefied
Day to day leads to today
But here hopelessness will end
Because today I will fight to feel your love
Not because it doesn’t exist but because without it I won’t know how to live.

©Kira Shymn

~~ picture also taken and edited by me (for the first time)

i love you
but i can wait
just another day
maybe in another time
when you and i
are more than fantastical
fanciful flight
a dream
i’ve finally let go
because i’m becoming alive
on my own
i’ll see you again
when our paths align
just another day
maybe in another time

©Kira Shymn

why won’t you respond
why are you here
inside my brain
making me question if i’m worth the wait
why did you come
at four AM that night
just because you should
then why didn’t you fight
for me when i asked you
those questions hanging in the air
why didn’t you answer
why don’t you care
so then why did you stay
offering your help like it’s free
as if we are friends, as if you want me
maybe im the screw up who’s ruining you
but you’re no saint either
and i refuse to lose.

when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i see privilege
i see potential
i see sacrifice, love, and promise of eternity
but when i open my eyes
i can’t awaken who i want to be
i can only feel the limitations of everything within me
i am dirty
i am unfit
the thought of lifting up my foot to take another step is daunting
because the future is so foggy
for all i know i’m stepping into nothing
off a cliff and free falling
except what’s worse: moving or staying behind
ask me once, ask me twice, everything is really, actually fine
cause if i stay the fog becomes smoke and the smoke clogs brains
suffocating from a given gift of emotional understanding
why can i see others so much clearer than i can see myself?
why does this mirror talk so ugly?
my bony frame groans in the ditch beside the road
eating dust, my mouth caked thirsty, hungry
and i guess it’s all my fault, i put myself here
you’re bent over, you’re holding me
you’re weeping, you’re healing me
you’re tears land and fall from mine
you share your heart and place it inside
and i’m a child
with no more power left to stop
amazing love, how can it be
when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i’m only beautiful because of who you are
and what you’ve done
and this distance that i’ve come
is the battle you have won
thank you.
i don’t step forward in blind belief
i fall freely into an unknown
with the only one who awakens my peace.

speaking to me
you are and
loving on me
you are and it’s
occurring to me
that these past sufferings
are helping me connect unlike before
you are overwhelming me
and it’s a bizarrely wondrous feeling
you are building back in me
a fighting fire, pursuing purpose
you are hearing me
not for the first time
here this whole time
and it’s me
you set free
again and again
I’ll fall, I’m blind, I constantly
come back to hopelessness
meaningless seasons of empty distress, but
you are
waking me alive
unbeknownst to me, you are not surprised
by my hostility or repeated doubts
life breathed in, hope pours out
release of judgement on myself
you are the I AM and
I am not all I thought I was but
depending on you
I am
yearning for you
I am
in desperate need of you and all
you are
immeasurably more

“it’s just funny
that the reason i’m in this place is because of the things i won’t do
and i won’t do those things because of the place that i’m in.” — K. Shymn

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
my brain won’t turn off
i just don’t want to sleep
so i get up and sit on the window sill
and i look down at the street
and i think about how in a 1 second decision
i could be sleeping forever
and the only thing that stops me is
my fear of people
people finding me
people judging me
people feeling bad for my family
so i don’t go
because of people

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
i need to move
i need to run away
because the mind runs stupid
so i get up and put my hood on
i walk out
in the 3 am glow of street lamps I walk to the bridge
and i lay on the edge
and i think about floating away
and the only thing that stops me is
that i’m tired now and i have to get up at 8 tomorrow
and that other meeting at 2
so i don’t go
because of tomorrow

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
i just want to talk to someone
so i scroll through all my contacts
and imagine what i would say
and the only thing that stops me is
that i wouldn’t even really know what to say
or how it would help
so i don’t call
because of me

it’s just funny
that the reason i’m in this place is because of the things i won’t do
and i won’t do those things because of the place that i’m in.

so here i am
standing in a never ending storm
the kind of storm that leaves you outside until you are too far to go home
that’s when the pouring comes and the soaking happens
when the wind tears you apart
and you don’t even have a stupid umbrella prepared
that’s where i’m standing
but i’m not going to be standing much longer
i think soon i’ll be drowning
in the aftermath of this storm.
©Kira Shymn

~~ posted on 3.6.18

these last 2 weeks have been a lot. im not even sure what to write here. i want to write everything on my mind. the way that i promised i would here. but each time i sat down to write, the problem wasn’t that there wasn’t anything to say, but that i had absolutely no idea how to say it.
no idea how to process the sadness and anger and hurt and pain in my body. the genuine desire to love those who wanted to pin me down and feed me their rhetoric. to convince me that the fibers of my being are hateful and the basis of my faith is discriminatory. which i’ve been finally processing. and maybe, honestly, maybe it is.
even though they only see inevitable conflict, stark incompatibility between my desire to care and what i believe. if i believe this, then i am incapable of truly loving. and i am not sure i agree with them on that.

but i realized. that this platform is not meant for me to be ashamed. this platform is for me to express my inner most. though it may be raw and ugly. though the world may hate me for it. i am writing here for me. and for God. He is my audience of one.

the next few days I will be releasing some writings that have come out of this time. im tempted to copy and paste some of the articles that have been written to provide you all with some context. but i am afraid. im afraid that will immediately launch this into a debate again. with sides and with hurts and with a war and with absolutes. where i must absolutely agree that this was wrong, otherwise i am a stupid fool on the wrong side of history who oppresses the marginalized.

i guess i’ll just say. that a group on my campus invited a controversial speaker. leading to a petition and a protest. afterwards more news emerged about a controversial decision. and though it’s unclear what has led to what, this group is now under probation. which has yet to be defined. see i think that’s enough for now. do your research if you’re curious. it’s all out there for you to find.

but please i ask for your respect. i ask for your open mind. i ask that you not immediately pick a side. i ask that you see me as a human. and you see everyone involved as human too. even the institutions we want to tear down are full of humans, some who really don’t have a clue. and i pray for this tension in my heart to stop. my arms can only stretch so far. before they completely detach from my body, like my mind has begun to from my heart. i can’t remain silent. because silence talks. it’s read as indifference while I scream defenseless. hands covering my mouth, my eyes, i must protect myself. a hardness develops. and a cloudy mist surrounds. death to logic. death to individual thought. do i not deserve these shouts for help. do i deserve to rot. stop telling me im exaggerating. i already know i am. but that’s what emerges when im responding to these festering hurts. burnt bridges. and constant messages. God, where are you. in all the times i’ve said i need you. i have never meant it so deeply nor been so sure. that i need you now. i can’t on my own endure.

~~ posted on 2.28.18

I DON’T. I CAN’T. I am not sure what is wrong. but there is a force in my gut that doesn’t want to move on. and all that I hear in my brain is that I CAN’T.

i don’t want to leave my house. i don’t want to leave my mom. i want to rest here forever. i want to see him more. even though he hurt me this time. even though it was clear this time. that i need to move on.

i can’t go back to school. i can’t go back to routine. i can’t take this exam. i am not ready. i will never be clean. i won’t lose any weight. my goals should just die. because i can’t do this. i can’t do this. why do i attempt why do i try. im afraid to see you. im afraid to enter that prison. i can’t go back. don’t make me please.

please hear this cry. of a soul that is afraid of change. the colors before me seek to hurt me. pain and suffering all pursue me. my brain is clouded with this weight of incapability. i won’t make it. that’s all i hear. from myself. alive is every fear. feasting on my flesh. eating away at my dreams. blank stare i bleed heartless.

the smallest person within me. all curled up inside. holds a toothpick sized sword. takes a stand. wants life. and everything i just wrote kinda laughs in his face. cause he’s so tiny and my anxiety is so great.

i believe.

i don’t fight this battle alone. i believe. i believe. i will come out of this. im not sure what im shouting. im not sure if this is real. but i believe. i believe. that i can. that i will. that somehow i’ll make it through.


i am going to get healthy
i’ve got my eyes on that prize
it’s not about perfection, but about progress
and i am finally on the rise
my body longs to be cleansed
my heart pumps a new beat
one that accepts failure
but never accepts defeat

©Kira Shymn

hanging out with people
i come home alone
and i feel so empty
i feel so unknown
i can feel the creases in my face
when i laughed as if i were happy
because i think i was happy
in that moment
now it’s gone
and left here is a deep sadness
that erodes at my heart
it weighs me down
something feels so wrong
i want to cry
but weariness has completely dried my eyes
i want …
i want to run away from here
i want to feel free
i want someone to hold me
and tell me what i did is forgotten
who i am is beloved
but the truth is
i’ve been here before
and i’ll be back again
today is tomorrow
tomorrow will end