when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i see privilege
i see potential
i see sacrifice, love, and promise of eternity
but when i open my eyes
i can’t awaken who i want to be
i can only feel the limitations of everything within me
i am dirty
i am unfit
the thought of lifting up my foot to take another step is daunting
because the future is so foggy
for all i know i’m stepping into nothing
off a cliff and free falling
except what’s worse: moving or staying behind
ask me once, ask me twice, everything is really, actually fine
cause if i stay the fog becomes smoke and the smoke clogs brains
suffocating from a given gift of emotional understanding
why can i see others so much clearer than i can see myself?
why does this mirror talk so ugly?
my bony frame groans in the ditch beside the road
eating dust, my mouth caked thirsty, hungry
and i guess it’s all my fault, i put myself here
you’re bent over, you’re holding me
you’re weeping, you’re healing me
you’re tears land and fall from mine
you share your heart and place it inside
and i’m a child
with no more power left to stop
amazing love, how can it be
when i close my eyes, pull away, and look at myself
i’m only beautiful because of who you are
and what you’ve done
and this distance that i’ve come
is the battle you have won
thank you.
i don’t step forward in blind belief
i fall freely into an unknown
with the only one who awakens my peace.


speaking to me
you are and
loving on me
you are and it’s
occurring to me
that these past sufferings
are helping me connect unlike before
you are overwhelming me
and it’s a bizarrely wondrous feeling
you are building back in me
a fighting fire, pursuing purpose
you are hearing me
not for the first time
here this whole time
and it’s me
you set free
again and again
I’ll fall, I’m blind, I constantly
come back to hopelessness
meaningless seasons of empty distress, but
you are
waking me alive
unbeknownst to me, you are not surprised
by my hostility or repeated doubts
life breathed in, hope pours out
release of judgement on myself
you are the I AM and
I am not all I thought I was but
depending on you
I am
yearning for you
I am
in desperate need of you and all
you are
immeasurably more

i love feeling full
sitting across from you
sharing stories until
i can’t help smile
this could take a while
you fill me up
and from you my words pour out
because empty is only an opportunity
for so meaningful
watch my hands collide
in circling design
happiness is cheap
when you are this full

i forgot what it was like to write
i forgot what it was like to prepare
i forgot how heavy sadness smacks my face
i’m upside down, wrestling despair
i forgot how hard it was to ignore lies
when lies disguise the truth
like that time my tears fell over the edge of the window sill up on the roof
i’ve forgotten that summer is just sand escaping time
with few fleeting joys until it’s just back at the grind
and i’ve forgotten over and over and over and over again
what i’m doing here and when this all will end.


i pushed it off
as far as it goes
so now i face the edge
boundaries overthrown
the crumbling
i feel it underneath
the boiling
of my anxiety
i feel it, all consuming me
eating at my brain and tendons
paralyzing all thought, numbing motivational presence
for the past two weeks
whenever i gathered myself to fight
all i am withers
weakness, tortured and contrite
all i can see are the things i can’t do
i’m afraid of the truth
that i don’t have enough time left
that i’m going to lose
and that i put myself here
because i am an undisciplined fool
so help me God
i’m nothing without You
i am going to fail
i’m completely screwed
but if i have to go through this fire
and fall off this cliff
catch me
ignite me
re-birth me into something more
someone worth more
someone who follows through

I know you know
but I’m gonna pretend I didn’t go
behind your back
and to the store
and called that girl
and wanted more
and sat there on the window sill
and lit the paper
and made it still
pretended that I was asleep
when you called my name
what would I gain
to face your face
in obvious guilt and utter shame
but you left the window open
wide open
so open that the wind poured out and froze between
and that’s how I knew you knew and would
never understand who I am and why I struggle with feeling clean
forget me, separate the opposing themes
we’ll never be the same again
but I’ll fake it till you scream

push together all the hours
days combine and inefficiently lost
taking back what’s rightfully ours
before clarifying whose it originally was
giving up while free falling mid-air
threatening safety, tears on stairs
faltering support from milling dean
emails on emails on emails are mean
with only males emitting wails, supreme
stealing spotlight with veiled intent
victimize without consent
when you hear that do you think of sex?
well you’re wrong, what a twisted defense
this whole situation is ridiculously unreal
especially that part when you sued me for libel

~ an accurate exaggeration of the last few weeks of my life
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