fuck this shit
fuck it all
my insides are screaming and searching
i want to be crying
i want to be exclaiming
but my face is frozen
my eyes are dead
i can’t explain to you how everything is trapped in me
i will be extreme
my grandma is dying. my dad is suffering. he is fine but he’s also not fine. my mom is hurting. she’s working. she’s doing it all. she’s unheard. my brother is silent. my brother is carrying annoyance and unknown. my other brother is trying to figure out how to be who he wishes to be.
and me. i am stuck in this state. in this job. with no prospects.
i am amazed at my ability to say that i’m fine. because i am fine. because i can laugh and i can care for other people. but i spend so much of my time so fucking alone. i was walking down the grocery store aisle late at night today. and i was trying to decide which healthy microwavable bowl i should purchase for a whopping $5. and i realized that only really sad people buy these. only people who live by themselves and don’t cook and still want to be “healthy” and i really almost started crying in that aisle with no one else in the whole freaking store. because i in this gut wrenching instance never realized so intensely how alone i was. how i spend so much of my time. of these last six months alone. and how these thoughts are just echoing inside of my soul.
and yet. i meant it when i said that jesus is satisfying me. maybe you don’t believe me. maybe you think i can’t mean it when i curse and when i say i’m lonely. because if jesus was satisfying me then i wouldn’t say such things.
but i mean it when i say that jesus is satisfying me. that i am growing in my relationship with jesus. and it hurts. it hurts to be so alone. it’s incredible to discover that loneliness can exist while still loving jesus so much. while still understanding with my whole body and mind and soul that he loves me and that he saved me and that i have victory in him.
and still i am lonely. still i wish for more. still i feel. i see all the brokenness. i am not afraid to admit it. i boldly proclaim that there is so much wrong here.
there are huge things going on in my life. and yet those don’t seem to bother me. it’s the petty stuff. it’s the not being invited to her wedding stuff. it’s the does he like me or does he not stuff. it’s the stuff that’s laughable when juxtaposed against the fact that this might be the last 30 days that i have with my grandma on this earth. that her presence. her breath will soon be gone. that i won’t be able to ask her anything anymore. and that instantly triggers guilt for not asking her everything i could have asked her before.
and yet. i’m tormented daily in this sunless cubicle. i deal with jewelry and selling more and making more money for someone else. i deal with problems that mean nothing to me. i deal with listening to my housemate talk about things that don’t sink in. i deal with texting these boys that i have never met that i swiped yes on an app and that i wish i could drop without ghosting.
i deal with trying to keep up with my real friends. and not finding the desire to have to. because it’s always me. listening. always me. making them laugh. i get so much out of helping them. and yet i can simultaneously be selfishly upset that they don’t help me. that they can’t and will never be able to understand me the way that i can understand them. and those few few people who can. i feel bad for taking up their time and i wish that i could give to them the way they give to me.
Jesus, jesus. you know me. you know how much i love you. i trust you. and i want to trust you more. i have never been less suicidal since i started this journey. something about all of this is steering me away from thinking about death. or at least my own death. but at the same time. i don’t have the capacity to hold everyone. you do. you do. take this from me. i wish you would take away all the pain. but i know you are king. you are making this beautiful even as it is broken. i ask for my daily bread. i ask for strength to do one more day. you are answering all my prayers even in the midst of this. i know a boy won’t satisfy me. i know there is a depth of loneliness that only you can fulfill. and possibly an even deeper aspect of loneliness that will only be filled in heaven. i await eagerly and desperately to see your face. to worship you endlessly. in home. in all that you are preparing for me.
please speak to me. i only want to hear your voice. and when i hear it help me to obey. are you pleased with me? are you pleased with me? when you see me what do you see?